6 replies to this topic

[*Diana*]

So I had my parents over for Fathers Day yesterday and we were all enjoying the nice weather outside on our deck..... when it happened.....

 

My mother said "Guess who's pregnant" ... needless to say it didn't matter who it was because it's not me.... but she said "your cousin".. my cousin who will be 43 in December is pregnant with her 2nd child. 

 

That was hard to swallow since my parents have no idea that we are going to a fertility clinic.... what is even harder is that I work with my cousins mother (my aunt) who does know that we are trying.... so when she comes in to work tomorrow am I supposed to jump for joy for her???? even though she knows we are struggling and trying.....

 

I am miserable and I know that I shouldn't be so selfish but I can't stop wishing it was me and not her....

 

DH doesn't really now what to say to me ..... all he managed to say was "it's no big deal".... hmmm not sure how to take that.....

[JAllen]

^{I don’t think your aunt will want you to jump for joy for her. I am sure she probably is hesitant to say anything to you about it.   I know my friends found it hard to saying anything to me about the pregnancies. They were kinda of afraid. They knew how much I wanted to have a baby, and here they are having a third.}

 

^{Its hard when others around us get pregnant. I give myself 48 hours of pity party fest. I am allowed to feel how I feel.  After the 48 hours is up I put on my happy face and start living my life again.  I can’t live in the pity party for ever. After all I think at least they are able to conceive and not have to go through this. I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy.}

 

^{Don’t get me wrong I have skipped baby showers because they are not a place for me.  But I can’t be mad at my family or friends because they can have a baby and I can’t.}

 

^{So all this to say that yes it’s hard to swallow, give yourself time to be selfish and hate the world, Come on here and vent and complain but eventually know that deep down inside you are happy for them. And one day you will have your family  one way or another J}

 

 

^{As for your DH’s comment, that sounds familiar.  My lovely husband has said those comments before. Once I calmed down from the crazy tree, I told him that it may not be big deal for you but it is to me. I also let him know that those types of comments weren’t really supportive and really all I needed was for him to hug me and say nothing. Sometime we need to tell our partners exactly what we do need so they can give us that when these kinds of events happen.}

 

^{I think sometimes our husbands are as lost as we are in this journey, we both just have different ways of showing it.}

 

 

^{Feel free to pm me if you want  to chat more.}

 

 

[gibasgirl]

Hello Diana,

I am sorry about the struggles. You will get through this and it is my hope that one day (soon) you will be the one who is pregnant.

When you see your aunt you can tell her that you "got the good news & and want to congratulate her and your cousin."

Then you can get a card and mail it to you cousin. Keep it simple, but say some of the things that one is "supposed" to say at times like these: congratulations, this is a happy time, wish her a healthy pregnancy.

The blessing in disguise here is you got some knews, but you were not put on the spot in one of those highly choreographed baby announcements followed by stares and questions about "why are you waiting?"

Not to minimise your feelings or experience in any way. You are simply feeling what you are feeling and that is ok. You have this site for support, venting, and understanding.

Writing gives you the opportunity to do the socially acceptable thing, acknowledge the good in other people's lives, but gives you the distance you may need to process this and put on a brave face.

Know that you will get through this.

PS, your husband's reaction is typical.

[kristeen033]

I totally feel your pain. I have watched friends have 2 or more kids in the time we have been trying to have 1. I have a friend with fertility issues and they just found out they are pregnant not too long ago. When she told me I said I was happy for her...she asked are you just saying that because that's how I felt when people would tell me lol. Like someone else said I would not wish any of what I have been through on my worst enemy but I always have that why isn't it me feeling too. I do try to remain positive and not think bad thoughts on others because I believe that karma can kick you in the butt. Here's to hoping we all get what we are striving for

[Bahar38]

Dear Diana,

 

you're in the right place to let out your thoughts and feelings, because all of us here understand how it feels when ppl around you get pregnant and us dealing with infertility.

 

It happened to me as well and I call it "pregnancy jealousy". It's very hard to deal with but at some point we have to let go of these feelings. I felt that every time I did it I isolated myself and it cut me off from ppl who I really cared and loved to hang out with.

I had to deal with my best friend being pregnant and not to mention she didn't want a baby in the first place. It's still not easy for me to see her belly getting bigger.

 

after being sad for a while but I realized that her friendship was far more important than what I'm feeling. I started to think that others destiny and happy moments has nothing to do with me. I thought about what if I get a good news like that!! don't I want my family and friends to feel happy for me too? however everyone is different and you may see pregnant person not being considerate of others feelings.

 

I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you have with this person, however being honest about your feelings will help them understand so they can be more considerate toward you when they're around you.

Let them know that you're happy for them but because of your own battle it brings up emotions that are difficult for you to deal with and it doesn't take away from your joy for them but that you need a little time to come to terms with your own emotions.

all we hope for is for them to understand us when we say these things to them.

 

I also think although these emotional reactions to the pregnancy news of others can be distressing, they're understandable and to be expected. It's normal to feel this way because it's the "grief" speaking...

 

now regarding your DH comment... all I can say is that most Men don't know what to say and when to say the right things during these situations. They deal with these emotions differently that we may not like or agree.   I guess that was a way of him to comfort you

 

we're all here for you
all the best

[Duck]

Your getting great advice about allowing yourself to have your own feelings.

 

I remember being really upset when my SIL got pregnant at 41, when she decided 6 weeks earlier that she actually did want a baby and stopped taking birth control pills - and shared this story with everyone.

 

I was upset, my husband didn't understand and really told me that I was just being too sensitive. He didn't get it as it was only into year one of our 6 year journey but eventually he got it.

 

Just wanted to let you know that your not alone - your feelings are legitimate for you to feel - and you certainly should not have guilt about the feelings added to the pile.

[Lisa1981]

I agree with duck, you received great information from the ladies . I think most of us have been thru a similar situation. My DH's 17 year old niece got pregnant.. not yet out of high school, no job etc .. I was mad, devastated you name it, I was it... when we have family gatherings, I'm the one that teaches her things (like removing the air bubbles from the bottle, poor child kept ingesting air bubbles,, grrrr).. that make's me even more upset.. because she can't even take care of him (he cries when I give him back to her... ouch).

 

It's hard, very hard but you have to be the bigger person (and let your emotions out when needed, there's nothing wrong with a pity party). Everyone here, will be here to share in your party (I know they have been here for mine )

 

As for your DH, men don't understand like woman do. They are not emotional creatures. One day, something will happen that will make him realise how hard it is (it happened to my DH)

 

Hang in there, your time will come.