187 replies to this topic

[DesignerBug]

Hello,

I was at a bit of a loss as to where to post this, but felt it might be nice to have an environment to share our experiences with life after infertility and the elusive "Spontaneous" Conception that we always wanted, but never dreamed possible.

I am currently just over 15 weeks pregnant with my 2nd natural conception after 6 years of trying to conceive our DD and many years of fertility treatments and hormones. Each experience has been very much a surprise and each experience a very different emotional journey.

My first experience with a conceptual accident was with my DS (who we later lost at 20w). DD was only 13 months old and I was in shock, excited and terrified all at the same time.... not to mention a crazy feeling of guilt. No matter how much I wanted this accident to find it's way to us, I still very much carried the weight of our infertility journey and felt very lost in where I found myself emotionally. I didn't feel I was "fertile" but felt the guilt of the natural conception in a fertility where the common thread is infertility.

I'm hoping that regardless of due dates, this wee thread can be a place where we can celebrate our blessings, while sharing our past and looking forward to our future.

D

[frostedlemon]

I tried starting a thread a little while ago for this and didn't get much activity, hopefully this one will take better

We naturally conceived our son who will be a year in not too long (waaaaaaaah!) and given that we had no luck with any sort of assistance along the way, we are hoping to do it again, preferably sooner rather than later. If it doesn't happen, then I guess we'll only have one child. I vacillate between feeling sure that it will one day and being pretty sure that our success was a fluke (since there were definitely two, probably three, pregnancies before this one that were unsuccessful).

I feel guilty in infertility circles that I got so lucky, especially when others have been through so much more than us. I feel like I don't quite belong in fertile circles because we can't plan, we have no idea when or if this will ever happen again, because I feel like a lot of them have no clue how lucky they are, and I still feel twinges when I hear people bragging about how easily they got pregnant. I sort of feel like I'm in no-man's land, where I'm not sure I can consider myself an infertile anymore (and will feel even more so if we do manage a second) but I definitely don't feel fertile and I carry too much baggage to totally leave the pain of IF behind. (I'm not really sure I want to completely, because there are positives to it but some of it I wouldn't mind).

[Saffy]

I'm in. I'll add more later but need to go eat now- hahaha!

[DesignerBug]

FL I can relate so much to many of your feelings. Having now had TWO natural conceptions it feels like our 6 year journey looses some kind of credibility and that perhaps we never needed it. I find it incredible that after nearly 18 years of unprotected sex that it took 6 years of trying (4.5 with assistance) and still over a year between unexpected surprises, but when we "tried" we didn't get anywhere. I most certainly have moments of feeling like a nomad for sure.

Like most things, it's nice to know we're not alone in our feelings. Thank you for responding. I'm sorry I didn't see your thread like this previously, I would have most certainly participated.

I know there are others out there who share in our experience and our blessings and I hope they are able to find their way to us too.

D

[Saffy]

I agree with not quite fitting in anywhere. I feel a little guilty at times joining in in the conersations here as I kind of feel like I cheated by having an un assisted conception but I have to remind myself that I went through all those cycles and all the rollercoaster of emotions that went with them. It is part of my history and my infertility experiences have become an integral part of my existance and self identity over the past 4 years. I don't feel entirely comfortable in regular pregnancy forums as I can't really relate to women who conceive so easily. Although I'm thankful to the fetile myrtles of the world as one of them agreed to be my egg donor and up until May that was my best chance of becoming a mom. We still have 5 frozen embryos and if all goes well, plan on using those next year to try for a second. I will be 42 when we are due and it seems unlikely that we will conceive again on our own.
I must admit that I keep track of others who have conceived naturally on here so maybe it is good to have a place to chat. Thanks DB for starting this thread.
I will be 17 weeks on Tuesday.

Saffy.

[strawberry]

DB - What a wonderful thread to start for those of us who are feeling like we don't fit in anywhere. I really need a place to hear about others' experiences and feel like I'm not alone. This has always been a great source of support to me.

I am beyond thrilled that we conceived naturally after all that we went through to have our kiddos. However I'm having a really hard time with this pregnancy. I guess this is what it feels like for the rest of the fertile world when they are faced with an 'ooops'. I'm not even sure how far along I am but I'm guessing maybe 8 weeks, have my first OB appointment in 2 weeks. Our first reaction was that we can't keep this baby, we were just starting to feel like we were getting into a groove and finding our way back to normalcy. A new baby would totally ruin all our plans. But how could we not keep this baby, it feels like an incredible gift, especially after going through our reduction and losing the other twins. I never thought I'd have a big family, 2 kids was my max. I know we could do it with 4, there are lots of large families out there but throw in twins and it gets tricky. I'm also very worried about the adjustment to my oldest and the lack of attention this will add to her. The day to day stuff gets overwhealming and I'm scared I will not be able to handle it having 4 under 4.

This might sound disturbing but in a way I'm hoping this will turn out to be a non-viable pregnancy so that the decision will be made for me. I'm anxious to see my OB and find out more information. I'm sure he will have some words for me though, because he offered me the option of having my tubes tied during my c section and discussed other methods of contraception like IUD.

In the meantime, I look forward to seeing more posts here and finding others I can relate to. DB I can't help feeling a bit like you started this thread for me. In any case, thank you.

[laura02]

Hi ladies,

Congratulations on your pregnancies! I found out I was pregnant last week. 2 months ago, we had DH's sperm tested and his morph was still 0% so I had no expectation that we would get pregnant on our own, even though we were "trying".

Anyway, I've also been struggling with where to fit in (I still joined a DD thread here). DD#2 took 2 years of TTC and a round of IVF/ICSI, so it's not like I feel as though I'm suddenly fertile. We had signed up for IVF#2 before this BFP, so if this pregnancy sticks, I won't do IVF again. That would be amazing.

Laura

[DesignerBug]

Nice to see you Strawberry I started this thread for all of us who are in that in between place, I kept finding there are more and more and it's a weird place to be in. Grateful for the gift we always wished for, scared, stressed and hopeful that someone "up there" out there knows what's going on

Laura02 - Congrats on your surprise. Both of my naturals have also managed to show up as I was mentally preparing to consider ART again (mostly after swearing it off)

Welcome Saffy.

It's funny, how many unexpected emotions find us in this place. So many emotions we never anticipated.

Gotta scoot, but I'll be back.

D

[Saffy]

Strawberry, What difficult position you find yourself in. Four under 4 is definitely overwhelming and changes your whole life. I feel for you. Take care.

Laura- welcome and glad you can avoid IVF # 2.

When I sent to my OB appt he said this happens all the time so we will likely have a good number of people here.

I am part of another group for people with diabetes who have been trying to conceive a long time. There is a whole range of whether people have done treatment, kept trying on their own, decided to adopt or be child free and quite a few babies born over the past couple of years. It is invaluable to be in a group that understands where you are coming from and is willing to support whatever choices you make.

Saffy.

[DesignerBug]

Strawberry - I can't imagine the stress that comes with the anticipation of a 4th, but I'm told that the first transition (generally 1 to 2, but 1 to 3) in your case is the hardest one and after that it's actually significantly easier. I think that you'll also find it easier with the one instead of twins like you had to manage last time.

Laura - what an incredible gift to have to avoid a second IVF. My biggest challenge was that I knew that I'd never do another IVF and the thought of even "basic" ART turned me into an anxious mess. I kept trying to find the nerve to return to the clinic to actually cycle, but never found it - fortunately not needing it.

Saffy - turns out we are quite close in due dates. I am only a couple weeks behind you, due Feb 1, 2013. But due to my blood disorder will be induced no later than 38 weeks. DD came at 37 weeks due to other complications, so we'll have to wait and see how things go. So far, aside from some ridiculous MS, which has yet to subside, things are going quite well. I'm monitored closely to prevent any repeats of my incompetent cervix issues we had with DS and otherwise haven't reaches a point yet where growth, fluid levels or gestational diabetes have come into play. I had GD with DD, so I'm curious if I will find myself with the same fate. Hopefully should it return it will be able to be managed through diet as it was last time. Only perk to barfing daily and being on a controlled diet is the lack of weight gain So far only up 3ilbs, but feeling way bigger.

[frostedlemon]

DB - It's so hard when there's no identified problem. In our case, all tests and everything came back fine, and all our pregnancies (3 for sure, plus the one that was never confirmed) were on our own. It's one of the reasons why I was so hesitant to pursue IVF, because I didn't know if I could carry a pregnancy and I felt like eventually it would work... but when you're playing with time and you're so desperate, are you really going to just leave it up to chance? For all you know having your daughter primed your body for the others. Or something. I don't know My dad said that maybe if we hadn't done the drugs (Clomid and Femara), maybe we wouldn't have been able to have our son, that even though those cycles of taking them didn't work, maybe they did something to encourage whatever was wrong to right itself. I don't know if I agree with that, but it's an interesting thought.

Strawberry - I can only imagine the mixed feelings and guilt that goes along with those feelings. As I said in my PM, and to catch others up in case there are others in this situation: I have a friend who is in a similar position (although it's her 5th that she's having mixed feelings about - she had a singleton and twins via IUI, had a surprise natural that they were thrilled about, and now another surprise that they were less thrilled about). It's so hard to go from desperate for a baby and beyond the moon thrilled to considering terminating or hoping that it won't continue on its own. She's had such guilt for not being very happy about it, and although she's come around to the idea it's been a tough time for her. It's one thing to not be sure if your family is complete, and quite another to feel fine with the way it is and then to have it happen. It really makes you wonder why it couldn't have happened years ago! As DB said, my friend said that after having twins, having a single was a breeze.

Laura - Congratulations! I found my due date group to be really helpful and it was fun going through the same things with others. I felt a bit guilty for having such a smooth pregnancy compared to a lot of the others, though whether that had anything to do with it not being through ART, I don't know. It just seems like I won the lottery - natural pregnancy AND it was pretty easy (although looking back, it actually wasn't - I was just so thrilled to be pregnant that I was so happy to feel like crap).

Saffy - I was wondering what the percentage of people are who end up with naturals after having difficulty. My friend who I mentioned above was warned by her OB after her first baby that it could happen and she laughed at her and nothing happened on their own for years. I wonder if having a baby (or two) resets your body sometimes. But it's not like it was right after the pregnancy, there was still lots of opportunity that didn't work. Interestingly, in both my friend's surprises and ours, it was basically the one time we had sex in that cycle, so clearly having lots of sex is not always the answer

[strawberry]

Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that before, I guess after having twins, 1 baby would be easier! Since I went from 1 baby to 3, I felt like I skipped the "hard with the second" and went directly to "easier with the third". And now the fourth will be a breeze!

FL - like your friend, I also laughed at my OB when we had the talk about contraception. Since it didn't happen when we tried for our second, I was so sure it would never happen after the twins. I know there are all those stories out there but I never thought I would be one of them.

I feel a lot of pressure with work, returning from my mat leave already pregnant. I want to be fair to my principal and let her know the situation so she can find someone suitable for my replacement. But it's also none of her business until I'm ready and I don't want her to treat me like I"m not even there. Also I feel like the parents will be angry for having their kids placed in a class where the teacher will be leaving (I teach grade 4/5). And then there's my worry about being ridiculed - what? another baby? haven't you had enough with twins? I thought you were done?! It seems that once you have twins your family is considered "done". I know these are insignificant things that will resolve themselves but I'm going back to work in a few weeks and I'm stressed!

DB, I guess that is a perk of MS - very little weight gain. The deflated and outstretched stomach from having twins is horrifying and I never really got rid of the little belly that made me look 5 months pregnant still. And now I'm sure I will start showing super early. I hope to have slow/little weight gain but this darn stomach is working against me.

Laura, congrats, I"m glad you are finding a place to fit in. After having 2 girls, are you hoping for a boy?

Saffy, congrats too, crazy that you and DB are due date buddies! This baby must be such a nice surprise!

[laura02]

Everyone here gives such good advice.

Strawberry - I wouldn't focus on people being judgemental, since, depending on the person, people can be judgemental about anything. Especially when it's concerning pregnancy/children. You could just openly say that this pregnancy wasn't expected.... I'm sure the others will chime in.

At 6 weeks along, I'm really just focusing on a healthy pregnancy (don't we all say that?). However, a boy would be nice.

There is a lady in my small town who did IVF at 38 and had twins. Those twins are nearly 18 months and she's due with her surprise in a few weeks.

[frostedlemon]

strawberry - I agree with Laura, that people will be judgmental about everything anyway. It's harder to deal with when you're unsure of it yourself, but really, who cares what other people think? My friend ended up sending out notes in the mail about their latest surprise because they couldn't stand to see people's reactions when they told them since they were not thrilled about it themselves. They wanted people to get their initial shock out of the way and then when they saw them, to bring their best faces forward and hopefully be supportive. She gets a lot of "are you crazy?" from people for having four kids, I can't imagine when she has five. But you probably get some of that when you have three especially when there are twins. As we all know, people often are just careless with what they say anyway, so who cares. By the time that baby is born, you'll have come around to it and it probably won't bother you as much.

Laura - Are you going to find out before it's born what the gender is? I was really hoping mine was a girl at first. Now I of course would never change it, and I'm so glad I have a boy for many many reasons, but I am hoping that if we manage to have a second that it will be a girl. Although we already have all the clothes for a boy....

Okay, here's a question since there are several here who have older children. I know we want a second, but then I think about how I won't have as much time for my son and I almost feel like I'd be cheating on him if I have another, and I know that you do love them as much as your older child(ren), but I just cannot wrap my head around feeling this strongly about multiple children. Not that I think I don't have enough love, but because I feel like I might explode with so much of it, like I physically could not survive it. I also feel guilt because I'm not sure if I will enjoy being pregnant as much (as I said above, I loved being pregnant so much that I didn't really notice all the crappy stuff, but now looking back I wonder why I loved it so much ) and I'm not sure I'll feel quite the same sense of excitement and wonder. I could be totally wrong and it will be the same when it's a reality, but right now I don't know. I feel a lot more concerned about having a second than I ever did about having a first, even knowing what it's like. Although maybe that's why, because I know exactly what I'm in for. When I was trying to have and then having our first, my main concern was that I wouldn't like having kids after all. Now my main concern is how I'd handle having two when one is sometimes trying and I don't even have a difficult baby.

[Saffy]

Strawberry - Screw them. I agree with everyone people are judgemental no matter what. But it is hard to work in an environment where it is actively happening. I worry about people being judgmental of me having a baby in my forties but I know a lot of people do. Actually it has been a blessing in many ways as right up to me being 39 and 364 days old every time I was sick with anything people would say maybe you're pregnant but now I could walk done the hall eating a big bowl of pickles and ice cream exclaiming how I feel nausea especially in the mornings and my co-workers would just fear that they would catch whatever I have. I like the idea of sending out a notice in advance so people can be prepared.
Frosted - I don't have older children so I'm not really sure but I am the youngest of three and my husband is an only child and I tink there are valuable lesson and skills to be learned from being a sibling. I think it totally shapes who you are as a person.
Here is my dilema as far as siblings go: We have 5 frozen embies in storage at the clinic. These were the product of my egg donor and DH. Seeing as it took us 4 years to have this surprise and I will be 42 when the baby is born it seems unlikely that another surprise will be coming our way. So I would like to use the frozen ones to have a sibling. I'm fine with this and even more fine than if we just had children through donor eggs but I wonder what kids would think. We always planned on openess but if we are success with an FET is the little one going to feel that she doesn't belong as much. In some ways it takes the blended family to a whole new level.
Laura, as far as finding out the gender we were on the fence about it but now it's getting closer I feel that I really need to know. I have been kind of wracked with worry with this pregnancy even though it has been a pretty easy pregnancy so far and I feel I need to know in order to bond with the baby.
DB- we are about a week apart. One doctor put my due date at jan 22 and another put it at Jan 25. What's your change over date. Mine is Tuesday.

[DesignerBug]

Saffy looks like we are indeed a week apart. My change over date is also Tuesday

As for the judgemental mess of people... I had no idea until I joined my due date thread which has many teachers the challenges that pregnant teachers are faced with. Especially with it being a split class where many parents can get rather upset, then throw in a teacher leaving mid year and they'll pretty much melt into a puddle and threaten to have your job because this is going to affect their kid. Rarely do they ever consider the teachers feelings or that the teachers child(ren) would be just as precious to the teacher as theirs are to them. The teachers on the threads came up with some pretty clever responses. I'd suggest you dig through a couple weeks back and see if you can find them.

FL - I can completely understand your dilemma. When we had our first surprise conception DD was only 13 months old. When I peed on the stick and saw the second line I nearly threw up on the spot from shock and fear... and then excitement. I went downstairs and told DH while he was watching tv and DD was asleep. His response was pretty much identical. He asked if I was serious, then said he thought he was going to throw up. I had just decided not to return to work and really hadn't grown my business into much. The financial stress was one thing, but the biggest stressor was my pure addiction to DD. I was terrified that this was going to change our relationship in a way that I was not comfortable with. As much as I wanted her to have a sibling and always assumed that I would welcome any surprise with open arms I was scared shitless. It took me a long time to come around to really connecting with the pregnancy and bonding with the little angel I was carrying, only to loose him a couple of weeks later.

Incredibly the month prior to this surprise I thought I was pregnant and took a test. When it came back negative I was honestly disappointed and it was at that point I knew in my heart our family was truly ready to grow by 2 feet. We would have never guessed that a month later we'd be getting the 2nd surprise of a lifetime. This time met with much more enthusiasm and confidence on so many levels. Part of me is looking forward to the new born stage, where as the other part of me is still so head over heals with DD. But this time I feel like she's old enough to get what is going on, so that when this new one arrives she will understand that she is an important and integral part of this baby growing up into an awesome little person like her. On a more spiritual level I feel like I have known this little angel the same way I knew my DD before she was conceived and born, so I feel better as a whole.

As for ever being pregnant again... DH has volunteered to get his boys closed off. Said it was the least he could do given all my body has been through. I think he's still open to a third, but I can honestly say that I'm not there. Pregnancy is very hard on me physically. It's well worth the prize, but I can honestly say I'm not sure I'd be willing to volunteer to do it again, especially now that I've crested 35. All of a sudden age seems more relevant then it ever did before.

As for gender... I am pretty sure it's a girl, which makes me very happy because we just don't have the money to start over with boy stuff. So it will be nice to put our bins of stuff to use again. I just dread having to get it all ready. There are just soooo many clothes. We will most certainly find out if baby will cooperate on what the gender will be. I'm a planner and organizer and just need to know for peace of mind.

Strawberry - I have known a few to have 4 under 4, but mostly one older, plus triplets, so I'm thinking you're one of the lucky ones lol. If your eldest is anything like mine DD, I think this age is going to be a great opportunity to really have them be involved as the oldest sibling and the twins should make a good team too in time. It'll be a tough transition as I don't think there's such thing as a completely smooth one regardless of how well planned things are. I have a friend who comes from a family of 7 and we live across the stress from his parents. They just said it got easier with the more they had, it was purely an accommodations issue towards the end and money. I think my buddy was 17 when his youngest sister was born though and he has 2 older siblings. So they were quite spaced out.

Also... I had assumed that 1-2 children families were pretty much the norm and that anything over 2 was pretty odd. But I've gotta say, I know a lot of families with 3 or 4 kids. Way more then I would have expected and a lot of the community Mom groups seems to have more larger families on them then I expected to. I think as long as you are firm and don't waiver in the rules and expectations of each of the kids you will do just fine

[laura02]

Wow ladies, you write a lot! I definitely won't be able to write that much, but I will share where I can.

As for finding out the gender, yes I plan to. I knew with my first 2 as well.

I guess I can comment on the second child issue. Mine were 3.5 years apart and it was still very hard at first. My 3.5year old could do a lot for herself at that age (bathroom, dressing, etc), but it doesn't change the fact that they need you. A newborn takes so much time and energy that it's impossible not to feel guilty over the lack of time spent with your older child. However, this changes. As your baby grows, they can do more together, and you have more free time to spend with each child. You'll love your second differently than your first because you won't have the same history together and the second won't be as interactive. But, as with anything, this changes over time as well. I can't say that I feel like there's an ideal age gap between siblings. I liked the 3.5 years that we had, but it's not like I chose it. I think a lot of us here can't be picky about when we get pregnant, so we take what we get.

Anyway, that's the best that I can do with trying to put it into words.

Bon soir.

[DesignerBug]

Laura, I think that was an absolutely awesome and honest response regarding the addition of a second child. It makes absolute and complete sense to me and help put my mind at ease. Our children will be just over 3 years apart and it is really feeling as though timing is quite right and that we're heading into an ideal age balance.

As for the rambling and babbling and too much to say.... can't help it. Fingers move fast, mind moves even faster

[amandaTTC#2]

I'm a little behind in contributing to this thread, but all 3 of my pregnancies have been natural. My first was easy, I had been on birth control for about 6-7 years, went off for about 3 months before trying and then got pregnant the first month we tried. We thought 2-3 years between children would be ideal for our family so we started trying again when DS was about 16 months old. Several years of testing and treatment (and an ectopic pregnancy) and I finally found out I had endometriosis after having a diagnostic laparoscopy. I had never had any symptoms and the birth control I had been on for so long may have surpressed it prior to my first pregnancy. I was told by my GP not to go on birth control after having my first because the hormones may not be healthy when nursing a boy. Both my ectopic and current pregnancy (I am 23 weeks) were natural, within 1-2 months of cycling. My RE said the medications (I was on clomid & repronex) can have a residual effect. For some reason my body didn't like them (I never even had a chemical in all my medicated cycles) but responds afterwards. Weird, but I'll take it Still, I do feel a bit out of place on the due date thread, although everyone there is wonderful. It's just that I don't even really have a due date, more like a due week because I wasn't cycling and I have no idea when I really ovulated, just suspect it was late in my natural cycle. A little different from those who did IUI or IVF and have specific dates, or even a natural pregnancy with an ovulation predictor. I was taking a month off before switching to gonal F so wasn't paying attention to TTC at all. The IUI cycle before conception was a huge failure and I needed a mental break as well.

As for ages between kids, as time passed without us having a second when we wanted it my point of view changed a lot. Now I can see how there are benefits to both having kids close together (I have lots of friends and family with kids between 11 and 20 months apart) and to having a bigger gap. We will have over 4.5 years (although thankfully only 4 school years) between boys and I am so glad that DS is as independent as he is. He can get dressed, go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, get a snack from the fridge, all on his own. That will be a huge help! However, he also has his own, very busy little life. We have preschool 3 days a week. gymnastics, music, swim lessons, skate lessons and play dates to manage with a newborn. Yikes! I have not a clue how that's going to work. When you have 2 (or more) very little ones their schedule is basically your schedule. If the baby had a bad night you all have a pyjama day the next day to recover. So there's good and bad and as has been mentioned above if we're on this site it means the "choice" of when to have kids has been taken out of our hands. We just have to make it work!

I'm glad this thread is going along so well. I have really enjoyed reading everyone's stories and point of view on natural conception after infertility.

[galfromaway]

I'm a bit slow getting into this conversation - I read a bit yesterday, but with a very busy weekend schedule, it was hard to sit and type.

It's good to read the thoughts shared here. I'm struggling with a bit of guilt about having had a natural "oops" happen to DH and I. I'm ecstatic about it - don't get me wrong - but after coming to terms with never having a biological child and writing two articles that were published nationally about it, it feels very weird to have been given this opportunity. Very fortunate - I'm grateful! But it does feel weird.

The toughest part is knowing our best friends have been trying to have a child for 10+ years, even trying IVF, and haven't been able to conceive. They haven't had their "oops" and DH and I are struggling to figure out how to tell them. They've been waiting about 5 years for their international adoption to come through as well, although it looks like that might happen in the fall. Again, it's hard not to feel guilty. How do we tell them, knowing it will affect our relationship during the pregnancy?

I'm now 11w2d along. Last week's ultrasound showed Bean is right on track size-wise, and we have our NT scan next Thursday. I'm so hopeful that things will be ok. It's hard not to worry after two failed IVFs. I know too much about so much, but not enough about this side of stuff.

Now it's time for me to wake up a bit more and get my head into work-mode.

[DesignerBug]

Welcome Amanda! Wow what an interesting journey to have done a fair amount of ART yet still managed to conceive naturally as many times as you have. I would say that one certainly needs the other for the pieces to line up. I can totally see how your type of journey would make it challenging to "fit in". You are most certainly welcome here and I hope that you and everyone else feels they have found a place they can call home as they move forward on their journeys. I like how you said that this community is a place for people where the choice of when to conceive has been taken away.

Amanda - Also.... regarding the due date "week". Our CD 1 was a bit of a mystery as well so dating was a tad of a challenge. However, the docs feel they have given us a good due date based on ultrasound measurements. I'm surprised they haven't assigned a date just based on ultrasounds.

Nice to see you Gal I'm glad you were able to find us over here. I was curious if you'd be joining us. I have been thinking about your situation with your friends and your concern about their reaction as you had mentioned it in our feb due date thread as well. Although you clearly known them better than I and are likely better able to make a judgment call, I was thinking that maybe it's not going to be as bad as you think? It really depends on how they've come to terms with their personal journey. Having gone 6 years to conceive DD towards the end we found that more and more friends were afraid to share their good news with us for fear of hurting our feelings. It was noble and kind, but what they didn't take into consideration was that we didn't actually associate their success to our journey in any way. To us they were completely separate entities and a new life, however it came to be was a blessing that was something we all should celebrate together. I always appreciated their consideration in terms of carrying on too much about pregnancy, but at the same time didn't want them to stop enjoying their experience in any way to accommodate me... and I told them so. I wouldn't have known some of the things to expect in pregnancy had they not discussed it with me Granted, I always believed that we would be pregnant one day and had not reached the point of moving forward child free or with adoption. So your friends situation is clearly a little different. There are different perspectives and outcomes emotionally from IVF and IF. Some people are permanently scared and bitter. Others are able to reach a place where they no longer compare themselves to others and can celebrate without having to change a relationship. More often then not I think it's the one's who are expecting who are often more sensitive in cases like this, then the one's they are trying to protect. When you share, be kind, be considerate and be honest. You don't have to come straight out and say - OMG we had an ooops can you believe it??? But you can share that you are thrilled to finally be expecting after all you've been through. If they want, they may ask about the "how", or perhaps they may feel the how is irrelevant and will be at your side ready to celebrate and enjoy this blessing to it's truest and fullest.


It warms my heart that this little place has been created and has grown little by little. Although I am delighted with my DD buddies there was a part of me that still needed reassurance that I wasn't alone in some of my feelings.... like most things here. Feelings where I needed empathy from others who have shared in similar experiences as opposed to sympathy from those who try, but could never fully understand the emotions that come from such a pickle of a situation.

Thanks ladies.

[frostedlemon]

Thanks for all the input on having the second. I think that if we could choose, we would probably not even be really thinking about it yet, but because we can't choose and we would rather have them closer together than really far apart, we just don't see the point in preventing and possibly missing the most fertile time (since "they" say you're more fertile right after being pregnant) or deciding in a few months that we're ready and then discovering it's taking another four years, or maybe more. And just because we get pregnant again doesn't mean we get a second child, as we all know

I don't have a lot of time right now, but I did want to comment on gal's debate about telling her friends. Obviously I'm not your friends or in their specific situation, but I think if they know you've been struggling and you're sensitive when you tell them, it hopefully won't go over too badly. I found that a lot of times I really just wanted my struggle to be acknowledged. I can't count how many people knew we were trying and had had losses and all, and just came out with, "Hey, we're pregnant!" as if because we wanted a baby too we should be thrilled for them. I think saying, "we don't really know how to tell you and I know it's hard to hear" and be honest about your feelings of guilt because you know they've been through so much more will probably soften the blow and show that you're also thinking of them. I think it's often seen by those still in the trenches that once infertiles become pregnant, they forget all they've been through and leave everyone behind. Also giving them the option of hearing about your pregnancy or not (if that's even possible) might help as well - I know when I was struggling I felt like no one could do right... if they didn't tell me about things, I felt like I was being "handled' and like I was a terrible friend that they thought I would be mad but if they did tell me about stuff, I felt sad because I wasn't pregnant and I was jealous (that sounds like such a petty thing, but it's the closest word I can come up with, I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about).

[DesignerBug]

Great advice FL - I think you're right. I remember those moments of feeling handled, then other moments where I was like "Perhaps a little consideration could be in order"... and ultimately, consideration and honesty are the way to go. Be sensitive, but not too much, be honest with your joy, but not overwhelming.

[galfromaway]

DB - Glad to be here. I lurked a few times over the weekend, and finally found a minute this morning to join in.

Our friends are different from my DH and I. We both talk about things, and have done counselling throughout our IF journey, which has helped us (me especially, I think) wrap our heads around where we're at and what we've been through, and where we were heading. A, she's not as open with her feelings. C and DH have had some good conversations about the whole IF journey we've both gone through, but A has only talked about what she's gone through once - that was after a number of drinks while camping. Whenever any of our friends have announced their pregnancy, she's withdrawn. And I think that's the thing that i don't like. In the last few weeks, we've hung out with them a couple of times, and it was really fun and comfortable. Neither DH nor I want to see that change, but when we tell them, it is going to change.

When we were going through our IVFs, we told our friends to tell us when they became pregnant, and not to keep it quiet to 'protect us' or whatever. And they've been great about respecting that. It didn't mean it didn't make me sad, and it took a bit to process the selfish sadness but the happiness I felt for them.

I think saying, "we don't really know how to tell you and I know it's hard to hear" and be honest about your feelings of guilt because you know they've been through so much more will probably soften the blow and show that you're also thinking of them. I think it's often seen by those still in the trenches that once infertiles become pregnant, they forget all they've been through and leave everyone behind.

frostedlemon, thanks for that. I like that wording. Like I said in response to DB, we fully expect them to distance themselves from us after we tell them, and that's one thing that makes me sad.

(wow... I could cry, thinking about talking to them about this...)

Whenever one of our group told us about their pregnancy (we've had two in our group of five couples now), it was such a mix of sad and angry and jealous and happy, and I actually called one friend after they told us because I felt bad about our reaction (they told six of us one night, and we were all stunned). We had a really good conversation about it, and I think the fact her sister was going through IVF at the same time, and she told me how her family was handling all of that (cycle didn't work, family was all quiet around my friend when her sis was around, less excitement, etc.), and it made me really make an effort to spend time with her.

I know DH and I will approach our friends with great sensitivity, and we will understand if they don't want to spend time with us as much. The mixed feelings just feel so awkward...

Thanks, ladies.

[DesignerBug]

A ha, I see where you're coming from a little more now and understand your hesitation that much more. We most certainly each deal with our circumstances very differently. It makes me sad that your friend still continues to hurt so much and I think she's very lucky to have you and your consideration. I wish you the best of luck in your sharing and I hope that the awkwardness is short lived.