24 replies to this topic

[lynblair]

I was just wondering if there is anyone out there that has felt the same way as I have. After a somewhat long IF journey (3+ year) and a few bumps along the way, we are blessed with a twin pregnancy and are 14+ weeks. We have slowly started to tell the people that are closest to us.

While we struggles w infertility, we initially were not that closed off, as we did not think we would have enduring problems, however as time crept by, our struggles deepened, and people let us down, we became very private about what and how we were doing.

I have told 4 friends about our blessing, all know we struggled to have children, but none really know the extents we went through. 50% of them have out right asked if it was IVF after I told them it was twins. I have been totally shocked and unprepared for the questions, once making a joke and the other time crying because I tried to explain what we had been through.

I am becoming more and more relucatnat to share our news in fears that people will ask. I was not ready to tell the world about our IF when we were going through it and I am not ready now. For people that are close to me, I do not mind them asking, but am still not ready to explain 4 IVF cycles in a passing conversation that is supposed to be about how great our babies will be. Other people I just cannot believe they would be so nosy.
Have any of you felt like this or struggled with this. Any ideas of good come backs when people ask how our precious gifts came to be?
I still carry the scars of IF very dear to my heart, and always will.

[lilly]

Hugs to you firstly. Your journey has been an emotional one and so if it were me, I'd keep it private and just say that the world works in mysterious ways (or something like that). You have been through a lot (judging by your siggy) and should feel like relaxing and enjoying the new life inside of you rather than having to explain yourself to others. Most of us don't ask how other people got pregnant - so why should IVF girls have to explain themselves?

Good luck. Hold your cards close to your heart.

Lilly

[notalone2]

People don't realize how personal a question this is and don't feel it's inappropriate, it is. I would say these babies were created in love. Either way natural or ivf this is true. Natural through physical love and ivf through the love you had for your children long before they existed. Once someone told me if a baby wasn't created in love it shouldn't happen. My response was that it takes much more love for a man to give his wife countless injections, hold her hand during an excruciating egg retreival and wipe her tears when it fad over and over. That person didn't have much to say after that. I personally ( when it all works for us) plan on saying it was a little bit of luck and a little bit of science. Whatever you decide you can reveal what ever you feel comfortable with. Good luck with your blessings

[ladylazarus]

I didn't have twins, which makes people even more incredibly nosy I've heard, but I did delay telling friends & family outside my support circle because I just wanted to savor the pregnancy without all the questions and inquiries. Then I forgot about telling quite a few people after it became nice & comfortable to share the news, so I shocked many of them by seeing them in my enlarged state somewhere around month 7 lol!!

If you feel emotionally drained by all that, just keep the pregnancy to yourself and enjoy your secret. You deserve it!

[_journey]

I can relate. When we thought we were having twins and told people, we got the "are they natural?" question at least 50% of the time. Once we found that elusive Baby C at our 10 week ultrasound and started telling people we were expecting triplets, we got that question pretty much every time we opened our mouths. Now that they're here, I get the question every time I'm out in public with them for more than 20 minutes.

When people are being subtle about it and ask whether they "run in the family" I say yes, because actually, multiples do in our case. Even if they didn't, I'd probably lie about it and say "yes". In fact, if we had twins, that would be my stock response to both the "genetic" and the IVF question: "it runs in my family". Point finale.

Having triplets, however, does change the situation. Most people automatically assume that you did "something" if you have more than two. Some of the moms I know who have spontaneous triplets have had people tell them to their face that it is impossible for them to have conceived without assistance. So, the stigma is there regardless of the reality.

There are several ways you can choose to handle this. Personally, when people ask me point blank whether we did IVF, I generally say yes. I have found that many people who ask what is, in my opinion, a somewhat educated perspective (as in, they know a bit of the lingo) have some personal experience that goes along with it. Either they've struggled with infertility or a relative/friend has, and they're genuinely interested. My disclosure has sparked some very poignant conversations. Granted, I don't always want to be ambushed this way in the produce aisle, but there it is. This also means that I'm a bit of a poster child for IVF, but I'm not in the least ashamed or embarrassed of how we created our family, so I don't have any problem discussing it.

If people ask me whether my children are "natural", I sometimes choose to take that literally and say "yes". They are made of 100% real toddler. As my trio gets older, it may be less apparent - they will start to look more like siblings close in age. Harder to get away with that when they're all in diapers. If I get the question once they are at the age of understanding (ie. 4 -5) , I will respond that "I'd rather not discuss that" or "that's not important to who they are". Mostly because I don't want to make my children feel lessened, uncomfortable or "talked about" over their heads.

I do know people who go on the offensive whenever they get questioned about how they conceived their children. Some of them will shoot back things like, "if I tell you, then you tell me what position you used", or even "%^$ off". I totally get their reaction - once you get those questions incessantly (+ hard core sleep deprivation) it's hard to maintain your composure. But I really believe in modeling behaviour for your children. I would feel pretty awful being mean to anyone in front of my kids, even from birth. I just don't have it in me. I'm pretty laid back about most things, especially after having triplets, lol. Probably also because to me, there are some reactions worse than being asked about their conception... the one I HATE with a passion is "better you than me!". I usually smile sweetly and say, "you're absolutely right".

So yes, you'll get comments and questions and criticisms. Sadly, it comes with the territory. However, you'll get a lot of support, accolades and smiles, too. And that part does make the naysayers seem pretty insignificant. Because they are - they only have the amount of power over you that you choose to give them.

[Mbar]

I have to agree with journey - I am currently pregnant with triplets and I get the question too - luckily for me I am an identical twin, so saying this helps with the line of questioning not continuing further. However, on occasion when it has - I have chosen for me personally to go with the "little white lie" version - we took some medications for infertility issues and than I don't elaborate. Those, who are close to me know ans strangers don't need to. I have done it this way, as Journey alluded to...one day my kids will be bigger and I don't want our infertility to be an issue/topic on conversation that they have to grow-up with, defend etc.

Good-luck.

[nervus optmist]

I'm sorry to hear that people think it's ok to be nosy. sadly - it sounds like it's something that won't go away once your little ones are here... and likely won't go away when they're older either. so at some point you'll need an answer that you can proudly say in front of them. hope you find a pat answer to awkward questions that feels right for you.

[Christin*]

Hi lynblair,

I have a comeback for you that will shut any nosy people up quickly. My mother in-law shared it with me, and she uses it all of the time for situations in which she finds herself being confronted by a 'nosy-nelly'.

If somebody asks you how your children were conceived or asks you whether or not you used ART. Look them square in the eye and ask them, "why do you want to know?" this will usually cause them to look away and stumble over some lame excuse or better yet maybe they will even walk away!

At the very least It will make them feel awkward for asking

[Laura1976]

I am getting this too. It drives me nuts! I just want to ask them in return how they conceived their children. I have thought many times of asking what difference it would make in their lives to know the answer. Then there is the other part of me that remembers the struggle to get to this point and how I felt when I met people who I actually felt I could relate to. I have been telling the whole story, with the exception of when people are rude when they ask, who knows maybe my sharing can help some else not feel alone or feel the strength to talk about their IF.

As for the are they natural I usually say, "No, I think they are rayon or viscose..."

[Juliet]

A wise momma-to-be in one of the other threads gave a great comeback for pretty much any scenario/question I've read about here that makes my blood boil... "If you forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking." I love that one! Definitely hints at overstepping a privacy boundary and would have the asker thinking pondering about why such a question/topic could be difficult or offensive. Christin's is good too!

On a somewhat-related note, I told my MIL the other week never to refer to our child as an "IVF baby" again. I am not ashamed of ART but I am very sensitive to labelling of any sort, and in this case when all babies are babies, all children are children, end of story. I am fiercely protective of my private life and struggles like you, LynnBlair, and also of the repercussions of "not being in control of the message", as my boss refers to it. As if the general public deserves to be aware of the most private and personal aspects of our lives and make judgements (most uneducated) from there on in. As someone else mentioned, it is highly inappropriate for "commonly-achieved" pregnancies to be questioned and those intimate aspects to be conversation pieces, so it is exceptionally inappropriate for others who will never understand the reality, losses and sacrificing of lives going through IF to think it is socially or emotionally appropriate to discuss such a topic in the same manner that you'd ask, "Where did you buy that shirt?" Grinds my gears bigtime.

[DesignerBug]

I have always been very open about our journey, to the point of being in the newspaper and on TV. Given that DD took so long and so much to get here, I often will disclose that her arrival was assisted without asking. I suppose I give too much? Now with my 2nd pregnancy the first question I get is whether or not I'm carrying twins, as most assumed IVF = twins, then tell them no and that this was a pleasant surprise - Free even and people are more surprised. Regardless, I have always received positive support when sharing our story. It took me a while before I was able to actually let go of the IVF and ART aspect of how our DD came to be and just accept her as her... which sounds strange in itself. But true.

I respect that you prefer your privacy and would consider using the response that Juliet offered, or many of the other suggestions. Find what works best for you so that regardless of circumstance you never feel uncomfortable, but can always be proud of your little ones.

[ValleyGirl]

I was pondering this the other day! Thanks for starting the thread! I think if people ask (which I am sure they will) if twins run in the family, I will kind of shrug, laugh it off and say "Now they do!". Personally DH and I have decided that unless we offer up our story its no one's business to ask. I would NEVER ask anyone a personal question such as : "So when are guys getting hitched?" or "When are you having kids?" none of my beeswax!

[poisondoc]

I wish I could tell you the "nosey questions" go away after the little one's are born, but I think it actually gets worse! We were fairly open about our IVF to those who were close to us - our journey was quite different in yours, though. I was blessed (and trust me, I know this after meeting so many wonderful women on this website) - I got pregnant the first time I ever tried (literally), but it was through IVF. It was not as big of a deal for us with our families - especially mine, as my sister had already been through IVF several times to conceive her DD after a tubal ligation nearly 18 years prior. My boss knew, as well as some of my closer co-workers, which gave me the freedom to take time off as needed for procedures. When we chose to transfer 2 embryos I KNEW without a doubt we would conceive twins. I told all of my family (and convinced DH) so that when we had our first ultrasound there was no shock seeing 2 little beans growing. With that said, it really does irk me when a complete stranger asks if they were naturally conceived. I have to admit, most don't come right out and ask this, but instead ask whether twins run in our family. They do, in fact, run in both families so that is an easy enough question to answer. Why people think they are entitled to ask such personal questions to Mommas of multiples continues to elude me - I have NEVER seen someone ask this question to a woman carrying a singleton. Honestly, I think there is a lot of mystery about twins and even a little envy from most that ask. The few times a stranger has outright asked if we used IVF, I have replied "did you seriously just ask me how my children were conceived?" That seems to snap people back into the reality of how personal of a question they are asking. But, honestly, ignoring the question is just as easy. Most people aren't dense enough to ask twice.

My advice to you - try to let it all go, all of the pain and disappointment associated with ART, all of the nosey people that ask rude questions, and enjoy your pregnancy. Embrace every minute of your growing belly and the wonderful feeling of your little ones moving and growing inside you. You will be asked a lot of stupid things about your twins throughout their lives, but I wouldn't let that overshadow the joy that having your children will bring you. Motherhood is truly a blessing - and those (such as yourself) that have worked a little harder to achieve it know that better than anyone.

Best of luck with your journey into motherhood - wishing you a healthy, happy pregnancy!

[SweetPea33]

When I was in my early twenties I asked someone who I saw on a daily basis if twins ran in her family. I took care of her twins during the day. The look on her face when she answered "yes" I was almost certain she used ART. I went on to tell her that my dad is a fraternal twin trying to make the conversation more comfortable. I NEVER asked a mom of twins if twins ran in their family again!!!

Now that I have a fertility issue myself if I ever have twins I can honestly answer yes to this question because my dad is a twin. lol!!!

[lynblair]

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I had a few good laughs, a tear or 2, and learned lots. I would love to respond to each one personally, but should try to keep my job for a few more months.

I shared the comments with DH, and also my mom and sister, who also wonder what to say when the questions come in. They found it helpful too (and realize I am not the only one that has gone through this or struggled with it).

I was so not prepared for this part of the IF journey, you work so hard to get a viable pregnancy, that I neglected to think that there would still be work of this kind after we were out of the first trimester. Needless to say, I feel much more prepared for the inundation of questions, as they come. For me/us, I think it will really depend on who asks and how they ask, as to how we respond. We will conitnue to keep our lives private, and only share all we have been through with the people that we trust the utmost.
I do like the idea of asking people "why" they would ask the question, as it will either shut them up or allow them to share an IF sturggle of their own if there is one.
I have realized, as much as I would love to control it all, I can only control the message I give out to a certain extent. I cannot control the message beyond that. If people are going to gossip, make assumptions and talk idly about our very personal and sacred journey, then there is not much I can do about it.
We are in a telling people lull, as we have told all the people that we felt we needed / wanted to tell, which is very few. The rest can find out as they may (getting harder to hide it now ). We will keep our cards close to our hearts, cherish the babes within and savor every moment of this pregnancy. I will protect myself and my babies from any negative, nosy, dumb-dumbs out there, as there tends to be many of them.

Thanks again so much FF's (forum friends), this site is invaluable.

[KRKR]

I have different answers for different situations. For nosy folks who have no business asking, I answer "we must have had sex twice in one night". That generally shuts them up but doesn't make them feel bad. For those who are closer to us, I feel bad lying so I generally say "we had some pharmaceutical assistance". No one seems to pry further. It is a very awkward thing with family members as we elected not to share our IVF journey with our family. I hate to lie to them though, so sometimes I've told the truth when asked.
I must admit that I was on the other side during my IVF journey. I had just been through my failed cycle and bumped into a colleague in her 40s who had just had twins. I was desperate to talk to someone who had done IVF so I asked her "the question". She was clearly very uncomfortable and I felt really bad immediately for asking but as soon as I explained that I was doing IVF she seemed more understanding of my rudeness and we sat down and had a nice chat over coffee. So I try to remember this when I get annoyed at people for asking me. Perhaps someone is asking because they are experiencing infertility and want to talk about it.

[snowmom]

I always took the very open approach when people asked me. I felt that people were just curious, and is surprising how often people want to hear a sucess story. Now that we are trying again, I have people asking me what I will do if I get twins again. I joke, and say return one. Just kidding. I've done it once, can do it again.

[Hope_123]

I had my first experience with this today. I am in my 12th week but the bump is really starting to show now. I was just out shopping and I started talking to a sales clerk who asked how far along I was etc. Then I told her it was twins and she asked me if they were "natural"...I was so shocked and didn't know what to say. I felt sort of violated by her question and still do when I think about it. I can understand close friends and family asking, but I'm shocked that complete strangers will be so nosey.

I guess now that it has happened I will be more prepared the next time someone asks such an intrusive question. I also need to be prepared that this will happen once they're born and I need to protect them from labelling as "IVF babies" and feeling different from other kids.

Thanks for this thread...I only wish I'd read it earlier and then I'd have know what to say today!

[Emily81]

For me it just depends on who asks, we've been fairly open with close friends and family, but I'm not too comfortable discussing alot of it with people I don't know/ don't know well....I'm not too sure about the "IVF babies" idea, while I don't want them to be labelled that, b/c others already know I would hate for the boys to hear it from anyone other than Dh and I though..Time will tell I guess

[lynblair]

Hope 123 - Congrats on your pregnancy. I know what you mean about it coming as a surprise, and not being prepared for some peoples very nosey questions. I seem to get it still, and it, thankfully does not make me as upset as before. Whether or not is it right, I have taken to just lying. People close to me often ask if it was natural or something like that and I just say, yes! When an acquaintance asks me that in front of a group of people at a social function, I think I have every right to just lie. None of their business at all. I have told the few friends and family members that I trust and feel close to, and that is all that needs to know. It does get easier and once you have a response it helps. I am not sure what I will say when the babes are here, as I am not sure that lying is a good option in front of them, and I am not sure when they will come to understand that it is ok to not tell everyone your private life. I for sure dont want them to be made to feel any different either. We will take it as it comes I guess. One of the many challenges that parenting brings.

[jen_goddess]

It is really tough to know what to say especially when put on the spot so I agree having some sort of standard of who you will tell what to will prepare you. This is a great thread cause I agree sometimes it sidelines you and you wished you were prepared for the attention that a twin prenancy/twin infants/twin toddlers can draw. All close family and friends knew of our journey, however some close to us were a little bit sheltered about the world of IF. My MIL is very old school and came here from Italy 45 years ago. Because DH had testicular cancer, she was convinced there was no way he could have kids so when we told her I was pregnan, she didn't think they were his/her grandchildren! Many conversations in Italian diagrams later and a partial correlation to Celine Dion she understood but it was difficult for me because she is a gossiper within the family so while we didn't say anything about IVF to anyone else in his family they knew because she told them. It was tough and I felt really resentful to her for the majority of my pregnancy for her reaction. Another bad experience I had was selling a bag on kijiji and meeting with the woman and when she asked about my pregnancy and I said it was twins she said, I bet that didn't happen the natural way! Again totally mortified, and ticked off that I drove across town to accomodate this broad (btw she decided not to buy the bag!!) And I for the first time in my life was stumped for a response. I am usually a witty person but it was definitely after that exp that I prepared myself for future comments.

I think because twins are more and more common, and 1 in 6 couples have difficulty conceiving people just assume that's the only way. More often than not I just lied when people asked if it ran in my family (not a total lie I have cousins that are identicals and it comes from their otherside of the family though). I didn't feel guilty cause if I don't know you well enough to tell the truth it didn't matter to me much that I was lying to them. Plus I found if you did mention it on occasion to someone, so few people know about the inside world of IF that it just turns into a whole other conversation of curiosity.

Once those babies are here the comments and questions never cease so be prepared. You will have people comment how busy your life is, or how they don't envy you, or if my boy/girl twins are identical?! Sometimes I don't pay any attention and most times I just have fun with it and say something witty. A woman at costco with 3 of her own under 5 screaming in her cart was staring me down while getting produce and my angels were sleeping. She was asking how old they were (being premature too people don't grasp that either since they are on the small side so that's always a whole other pile of questions) and then she says to me that must be so busy I don't envy you. I was slightly annoyed with her and her bratty kids screaming that I looked over at her cart and said "you should" and walked away. Sometimes people let their mouths run but forget to turn on their brains so I think its best to have a thick skin where possible. We are away this weekend too and one woman asked how old my son was and DH said almost 10 months but he was prem. She says "oh wow my son came out that size" DH say really you gave birth to a 15lb baby, that must have hurt! He walked away after that cause she didn't know what to say. They are on track but on the small side of their corrected age but everyone seems to forget how small an actual newborn is and thinks that my prems are of the same relation.

Enough of my rambling, don't let others stupidity make you feel any less of a woman/mother for the way you brought your babies into this world, maybe one day all the fertiles of the world out there will be outnumbered by us. I leave you with one last stupidity story......a male customer at our business asked DH after the twins were born if they were were both premature!! No one came early the other stuck around and I had 2 c-sections, could you imagine?

[conky]

I'm pretty open about dealing with infertility and doing IVF to conceive our twins. I don't volunteer it all the time, especially in brief "OH LOOK TWINS" encounters, but I'd always be honest if asked. I'm comfortable with that. That being said, I've never been asked. I've never had the "Are they natural" question. I'm not sure how I would react. I wouldn't mind being asked if we had assistance, but the wording of that particular question is really offensive. Now maybe I've avoided the typical rude/nosey queries because I don't get out much but if anything, people have been really nice and I've come across a few people who have revealed their own struggles when I've revealed mine. I've had the "Do twins run in your family" question a lot and while I'm sure sometimes people are wondering if we used fertility treatment, I think for the most part people are just making conversation. Like asking "Oh, are you having a boy or a girl" when someone is pregnant. I don't think there's usually an ulterior motive. By the way, I just answer "no" when I get that question and nobody has ever probed any further. i think if you're brief in your answer and don't leave it open to further discussion, people will generally not probe. I don't know what to suggest when someone is just being a jerk, though. I guess there's where some of the snappy comeback suggestions come in handy.

Congratulations!

[jaan]

You will get asked more once they arrive....

Sometimes I'm honest, sometimes I'm not....it depends on my mood and the person asking....99% of the time people are facinated with multiples and they are just curious, they don't mean to be offensive, usually they want to know if they are identical, fraternal etc....most people will say to me "I love twins...I always wanted twins" so the majority of time the people who ask are kind people who aren't being mean or nosey....they just want to talk about your multiples.....I have never had a person be rude to me or say anything insensitive.....I pity the person who ever does

[Lucretia]

I was at a party this weekend where complete strangers kept asking me if my twins are "natural". Initially I got really pissed being asked that,of course I lied - it is no one's business, let alone people who have never seen me before and likely won't see me again, but they were really interested in the whole twin pregnancy and I realized they are just curious - it is not every day you get to see women pregnant with twins. They asked how twins are conceived, how my pregnancy is different, etc. and I actually had a lot of fun talking about the babies I felt bad for lying but I keep reminding myself that I actually do have twins in my family and that if we didn't have MF I would have had 10-15% chance to conceive twins naturally anyway.

[Muminwaiting]

I don't see twins should be such a surprise. Twins run in a lot of families. Its been a long time simce someone in my family has had twins and I would just say it runs in our family and we must be very blessed for them to come to us. Natural or ART...its all the same to me. Just having a little trouble along the way which has made my journey to motherhood longer than some.