7 replies to this topic

[LMR]

Hi All, This may be the wrong place to post this, but here I go.........hope you all can help me.

My DH and I have been on this TTC journey or about 4.5 yrs total. After about 3, we were lucky to have conceived our DS through IVF#2. When DS was 1yr, we did 3 FETs back to back, nothing. When he was 1.5 we did IVF #3 - fresh transfer resulted in chemical. FET a couple months later resulted in BFP, only to have a missed miscarriage at about 7.5 wks and went on to D&C at 10.5. Did the last FET last month, BFN. That brings us to now......I have a baby shower to go to this weekend - it is my DH's cousin's wife. I must say that they have been through their own issues and I am so happy for them. Yet, she is due a couple of weeks before I was supposed to have our second. I struggled with what to do....DH said do what you want, which left me with a ton of feelings. Guilt that I didn't want to go, angry that I felt like he wasn't supporting me enough, etc. So I called and said yes after sitting on the invitation for close to 3 wks. Now it is this weekend. I find myself crying at the thought of going. DH said to just call and say I am sick, which also makes me feel guilty. I am in a situation where there is no good solution.

What are your thoughts? What would you do?

[notalone2]

At a certain point you have to protect yourself. Call in sick and bring a gift later. I have skipped many baby showers but have to host my sisters in sept. I feel no guilt for not going to these things. Protect your heart and for those who don't understand too bad

[galfromaway]

Ditto notalone2 - you need to look after yourself at this point. If you don't feel comfortable going, and don't think you can attend without an emotional outburst, call in sick and get together with her later. I've done that with friends, and it worked for me. It sounds like your DH is trying to be supportive by encouraging you to do what is best for you, rather than telling you what to do.

Let yourself be upset, and try not to punish yourself by feeling guilty. You have every right to be sad, angry, disappointed, and every other emotion that gets stirred up in situations like this.

[Juliet]

I'm sorry LMR. Once I was actually going through IVF, a present to myself was not attending any more baby showers. I too had to help give one for my sister a few months before (a surprise pregnancy, it was very difficult to watch the cheering for the first grandchild but I made it through) and after that I cut myself off. The showers afterwards were for close friends, so I got DH to bring a gift to the house before the shower began for one of them, and for the other I was a day before my ER and we brought over a gift belatedly when it was better for us.

You should not feel guilty or bring yourself down over this. IF is hard enough physically and emotionally, that the least others can do is respect that not all women are in the same place they are at the time, and for some, showers are a heartwrenching experience so hard to feel in control at. To celebrate others when you are grieving, in other scenarios, is better understood but this qualifies just the same. Put yourself first, reducing stress and additional heartache can only give yourself the best chance to achieve your dreams and protect your fragile feelings.

At this point, you can absolutely say you are sick, and give a heads-up in advance if you feel able to if you're worried about it seeming a last-minute excuse. Take care of yourself - you deserve it. Let us know what you decide!

[runnerchick]

Totally agree with what everyone else has said. If you don't feel strong enough, call and say you're sick, and take a gift over later. You don't need to elaborate, and you don't need to feel guilty. Something I found that helped when I declined the baby showers was to plan something for the afternoon so I wouldn't be thinking about it all day. Watch your favourite movie, go for a long drive, do a craft or read a book. Anything to distract yourself.

You are not alone in this situation- I think we have all been there and had tough decisions to make.

[L_in_Calgary]

I agree with all the comments that have been said. I have also struggled with whether to attend baby showers or other events with a huge number of babies. While we want to celebrate or feel we should attend these events we can celebrate and show our support in other ways that are less painful to us. Dropping off a gift is a great idea or offering to celebrate over a private lunch (this only really works if they now the situation). Someone on one of the thread gave great advice - this is a time to be gentle with yourself.

[keeptrying]

DO. NOT. GO. You have been through so much. Spend some time away from infertility and babies and baby gifts and little baby party favours and hang out with your son and husband at the beach. Or the park. Or your backyard. Give yourself a break this weekend. Give yourself permission to have fun with your family instead of trying to celebrate something that really hurts your heart and soul. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You have more than earned the right to a weekend free of tears and heartache. Don't go.

[JaneAndElla]

Totally - DO NOT go - protect yourself. I don't go to showers anymore. You can either be honest and explain why, or say you came down with the flu. I don't even like to shop for baby gifts! Send a gift card! And you shouldn't feel bad at all.