30 replies to this topic

[impatient]

I haven't been to a baby shower in about 3 1/2 years now. I hate them. It's torturous to sit there and watch a group of women compare notes on something that I want so badly, but will probably never have. Even if we ever are lucky enough to adopt one day, there will never be a baby shower. First you have to wait 30 days to see if the birth mother is going to change her mind, then you have to wait to see if the birth father is suddenly going to show up, plus it takes about 6 months before custody is legalized. If/when we celebrate, it will never be in the form of a baby shower.

I have a friend who I've known since I was eleven. She's abour four months pregnant. Her partner is divorced and doesn't want to get married, so this is IT: the big celebration of her life. She has watched many of our friends (including myself) get married, and even though she really wants a wedding, she will probably never get one.

Another friend (who should know better) recently approached me at a party about helping her plan a baby shower. She just assumed I'd be on board and it wasn't really the time to discuss it properly.

Moral dilemna - Do I put myself first and boycott the shower? (Of course, I would celebrate with her and give her a gift, but probably just the two of us over lunch or something like that.) Or, do I suck it up and go to the shower (and spend three hours trying not to cry)?

What are your thoughts?

[RainbowsPromise]

I'd talk to her privately and explain why you can't go to a shower for her and hopefully she'll understand. I too have only gone to a handful of showers in the last 4 years and the ones I have gone to, it was because the person was extra special to me (so that's 2 showers out of about 20)... those 2 showers just about killed me tho. I was at one where the hostess knew what I'd gone through with IVF and losing our adopted son but asked me if I wanted to hold the baby anyways... REALLY??? The mother completely understood tho and was so grateful for me being there... she told me that she realized how hard it was to be there and that she really appreciated that I'd gone despite how painful it was for me. In the end, tho, it's about self-preservation and while you want to celebrate with her, I think she will understand if its just too hard for you to be there at the public celebration.

[silverdollar]

I'd vote for getting together with her privately on a different day as well. Both of you will feel better about it because it will be way less awkward. It gives your friend the loud and clear message that you care about her, but just find the environment of a shower difficult.

[orchid]

Baby showers for us IF ladies are brutal. My younger sister had me organize her baby shower last year for 70 people and my heart was in the pit of my stomach the whole 3 months the shower was in the plans. It was about the hardest and most guilt ridden thing I've ever had to do and she noticed, albeit not for how hard it was on me, but how I lacked enthusiasm. Non-IF folks just don't understand. So, for that reason my vote is for the self preservation aproach. It is unrealistic for a non-IF person to provide the kind of sympathy we need in a neutral circumstance, never mind at a baby shower, where they expectant Mom expects it to be her celebration.

Fast forward a year, and I have been fortunate enough to get pregnant on our 2nd IVF try, however I am NOT having a baby shower ... just don't want one because of how painfull it was to attend the very few I did. I may get over this in my next life, but for now it's been a tough and hurtfull road. I would rather give the time, energy and hope in supporting another IF woman in her journey instead.

I second Silverdollar's suggestion.

All the best and sending you babydust!

[Vetter]

STAY HOME! Just think of this -- you know you'll feel guilty/sad with either decision, right? So... which decision will make you feel less bad/guilty?

Unless it's a family member or absolutely best friend, it's not worth the emotional toll both during and after the shower....

My vote: private lunch, present exchange and hit up a movie on shower day!

[mollygirl21]

Does your friend know about your struggles? If so, I would explain to her that you find it difficult to attend this type of celebration and worry that your lack of enthusiasm will dampen her big day. Ask if she minds if you bow out, hopefully she won't.

My MIL's best friend's daughter suffered a m/c at 12 weeks two days ago. When my MIL told me about it, I told her to assure both her best friend (the grandma to be) and her daughter that I completely understand if they skip my shower to be held in a couple weeks - there is no way I expect anyone to put on a brave face for me.

I haven't attended baby showers in the past few years other than for my sister. I recognize that it is difficult for fertiles to understand the heartache this kind of celebration causes us but you have to do what is best for you. I tried to do the right thing and attend a baptism a couple years ago and ended up leaving the church sobbing after listening to the minister go on and on about what a blessing babies are. I was humiliated, DH was humiliated and ticked off (men don't understand all the time) and I felt so guilty about it all. I should have just stayed home!

Much better to stay home and be a passing thought by the others who are attending than to make a spectacle of yourself sobbing in the kitchen (exactly what I would have been if I had attended a shower).

I hope your friend understands and I hope you reach a decision that you are at peace with Impatient!

MG

[mollygirl21]

Of course, your other option is to say you're going but come down with a bad cold that you don't want to spread to the expectant mom the day of the shower. That way you don't have to explain yourself or try to justify your feelings.

[Laura1976]

I have to agree with the general consensus here and vote for regretfully declining. For me it's not even actual events that are that hard for me, it the lead up to them. Either way your feelings are your feelings and you can't control them.

Good luck and I hope your friend will understand and that the two of you can find something else special to do together.

[frostedlemon]

I'd go with the explain yourself, skip the shower, and do something private with her if you're up to that, or do whatever you are comfortable with - send a gift but don't see her with the belly if that's your trigger. (I had issues with pregnant people but was better once the baby was around for some reason). As SD says, that way she'll know you support her and it's the shower environment that's too hard for you. I think even if fertiles don't understand right away, they should be able to if it's explained.

[runnerchick]

You know, I've been going to the baby showers, and coming home a mess and it takes a few days to "right" myself again. I never considered it an option NOT to go. It sounds like, in the interest of self preservation, you maybe ought to get together with her privately.

And, why can't you change the rules about the shower? Once the adoption goes through, everything is settled and permanent, why not have a "toddler" shower? If the point of a shower is to celebrate the child and the parents, you should be able to do that at any age, especially when you have to struggle so hard just to make it through the adoption process, nevermind everything else you've been through. People want to celebrate with you, and those who don't have the option of not attending.

Hugs to you...

[impatient]

Thanks, guys. It's reassuring to know that you're all pretty much on the same page as me re: the baby shower issue.

It's easy to make excuses when it comes to acquaintances, but harder to know how to handle it when it's a long-time friend. I have to say that my own experiences and also seeing what so many of you here on this site have been through makes me a little superstitious about baby showers too. I feel uncomfortable for myself, but I also feel a sense of impending doom when people celebrate "too much" before the baby is actually born.

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of taking her out for a nice lunch and celebrating with her privately ... but much closer to the due date.

[Zoe13]

I definately feel heartache for myself and DH when I attend baby showers... I missed one for a good friend last month because I had to go for an ultrasound and bloodwork for my diagnostic cycle monitoring and couldn't make it in time. I explained it to my friend and she was VERY understanding. After having a friend react very negatively after I didn't attend her bachelorette party because I was feeling upset about a failed IUI I can definately say it's better to explain the situation and not go if you don't feel that it would be good for you emotionally. If she isn't happy with your generous offer to get together for lunch then she isn't a friend worth having anyways. I was shocked at how unsupportive and selfish the "bride to be" was in my situation but I guess I am learning who my true friends are.

I would also like to second Runnerchick's suggestion to "change the rules" for baby showers. I am actually going to a baby shower for an adopted little boy in a few weekends... The way I see it, after going through the financial and emotional burden of IF treatments and/or adoption you should celebrate any way you want!

[silverdollar]

I also like the idea of changing the shower rules. When my good friends adopted they threw a "30 day party" and and several months later an "adoption is finally legal" party. Their intent was to thank everyone who supported them through the long stressful adoption process. They asked for no gifts, but of course many of us spoiled them anyway. It is way more fun (and practical) to buy gifts for a 1 year old, than stuff for a newborn.

On another note, I've always gone to baby showers held after the birth of the baby. I'd actually never heard of one done for a pregnant woman until recently. I didn't ever give much thought to that concept before, but God forbid, what if something happened? Aren't most people there to see the baby rather than the mother anyway?

[impatient]

Interesting. All the ones I've been invited to have been before the birth. It would be way more fun to actually see the baby and not just sit through hours of gift opening.

[runnerchick]

I think it's a regional thing. I've only ever been to showers after the baby was born, but my SIL, who's from NB, had one before my nephew was born, and had never heard of one after. Her reasoning was that then people can buy things you need for when the baby comes home, but I'm with Silverdollar on this one- what if something happened? I held my breath until he was born....

[RainbowsPromise]

Interesting. All the ones I've been invited to have been before the birth. It would be way more fun to actually see the baby and not just sit through hours of gift opening.

OK so that now makes sense why you feel you wouldn't deserve to have a shower for an adoption. Most of the showers I've gone to have been for after the baby is born... as someone said, I guess it depends on what's harder for you, seeing pregnant women or seeing babies (for me it's the latter). I think having a party to celebrate when things become legal is a great idea and totally acceptable, particularly if you're adopting an older child and not an infant. One thing to remember is there's going to be an adjustment period, not only for you but also for the child, so you really want to limit how many people they are in contact with too soon after you bring them home because it can hurt the bonding/attachment process (I read this is true even with infants adopted at 6 months of age). Again there's the fear of revocation so planning something after the courts have finalized everything is good too so you won't have to worry about having things go wrong, just as others have said about having a baby shower before the baby's born.

[impatient]

One thing to remember is there's going to be an adjustment period, not only for you but also for the child, so you really want to limit how many people they are in contact with too soon after you bring them home because it can hurt the bonding/attachment process

That's one of the reasons why I say we'll likely never have a baby shower. I'm sure there will be some sort of celebration, but it won't be a huge crowd of people sitting in our living room giving us gifts. More likely it would be something very, very small with just family or a handful of close friends and more focused on the child rather than on me or my DH.

Not that I don't think adoption doesn't deserve a shower - it would be nice ... but I just think it's a much more complicated situation.

[silverdollar]

There is certainly no rule that your celebration needs to involve a large crowd, or be on a specific time line. Make it what you want to. I hope you have reason to celebrate soon!

[Elana]

I am a huge proponent of skipping showers, and really wouldn't think twice about it if the thought of one brings tears to your eyes or takes you days to recover from. I think they are torture for women whose own motherhood is still contentious. I do think it is a great idea to do something special for your friend, just the two of you. Dealing with the mutual friend who approached you about planning a shower is a bit more awkward, but make it as simple as possible for yourself. Just be honest but don't embellish. Say something to the effect of: "I think it's a great idea if you want to plan a shower, but it's not something I have the time and energy to invest in at this point, so I'd prefer to stay out of it, and instead have decided to do something special on my own with [friend]."

Let us know how it turns out!

Elana

[sharlene]

Wow - great responses! Just adding my 2 cents - I agree with everyone - notice how not one person here said "go and suck it up" - we get it!

My cousin had a party when her adoption (of her son) was completed - granted, he was older at that point, but it was a grand party none the less - it was certainly more fun than a baby shower.

I was approached by friends and relatives who wanted to plan a baby shower for me - and while I was touched to discover that they were even interested in doing something like that for me (when I was pregnant), I was just not comfortable with it until the baby was born. I didn't think the shower would cause a problem, it just seemed like I was somehow tempting fate or somehow celebrating the pregnancy and not the baby or I don't know what exactly. Anyway, in the end, we skipped all of it - and different people just came by to meet the baby after his arrival.

I hope you get your reason for your own celebration soon - and that after some settling in time that it is a great welcoming event!

[capo]

impatient - I know it's not the point of your thread, but I highly recommend the 'Adoption Finalization' party! By the time the judge gave the final stamp of approval, Nicholas was settled and recognized all our family as well as his foster family. We threw a party after court for all and it was fantastic! I didn't think I felt anxious, but when that sealed paper was in my hand I had a 'Start the car!' moment - I couldn't get out of that court house fast enough. It is fun to celebrate when you can finally feel elated without all the complicated strings attached.

[RedEmber]

And, why can't you change the rules about the shower? Once the adoption goes through, everything is settled and permanent, why not have a "toddler" shower? If the point of a shower is to celebrate the child and the parents, you should be able to do that at any age, especially when you have to struggle so hard just to make it through the adoption process, nevermind everything else you've been through. People want to celebrate with you, and those who don't have the option of not attending.

In China they don't have baby showers, they have 1 month celebrations. They celebrate 1 month after the baby is born instead. The history behind it is rather morbid, since they celebrated after 1 month to make sure the baby was going to live. However, having a party to celebrate your adoptive child would be similar, since you'd have it when you knew for sure they were going to be a part of your lives forever.

[RedEmber]

I think it's a regional thing. I've only ever been to showers after the baby was born, but my SIL, who's from NB, had one before my nephew was born, and had never heard of one after. Her reasoning was that then people can buy things you need for when the baby comes home, but I'm with Silverdollar on this one- what if something happened? I held my breath until he was born....

I've only ever heard of showers before the birth. But then I get my info on showers from the TV, since I've never been to one. In the UK we just give the baby a gift (usually some clothes) the first time we meet the baby, no big party. Mind you, I think baby showers in the UK might be starting to catch on. Since moving to Canada, I've had 3 friends give birth here - 1 was a Brit so no shower, 1 was Chinese so it was a 1 month celebration and the 1 shower I was invited to I said I was busy. So far no showers, and I intend to keep it that way.

[impatient]

I think China has the right idea.

Well, I think they've figured it out for themselves and saved me from being in an awkward situation. I just got an email this morning saying that they've sent out invitations and didn't send me one because they didn't think I'd want to go, but that they wanted to let me know about it anyway, just in case. Perfect.

(I just did the math - she's only 5 months pregnant - talk about early for a shower ...)

[RedEmber]

Well, I think they've figured it out for themselves and saved me from being in an awkward situation. I just got an email this morning saying that they've sent out invitations and didn't send me one because they didn't think I'd want to go, but that they wanted to let me know about it anyway, just in case. Perfect.

That's great Nice to know some fertiles, do know how we're feeling.