10 replies to this topic

[MapleBecky]

My husband and I got married in July and found out on Dec 1 that he has no sperm. He is 43 and starting to think that he will be beyond his cutoff to become a new dad if it takes us awhile to get pregnant. We went from having sex all the time, thinking that it was going to be "our month" to a total stop. We have had sex once since finding out, and it was awkward, even though we both tried not to think about it. I'm researching like crazy and he has gone into a bit of denial, and is having a hard time talking about it.

It's been about a week and a half since we found out. We are still waiting for appointments and answers. We didn't even have a doctor read the results, we picked them up from the receptionist.

As of this weekend, we have been really irritable with each other, which is not normal for us. We didn't even get a Christmas tree this weekend because we couldn't decide on where to get the tree from. I'm not feeling into Christmas anymore and am so sad and irritable. I don't want our relationship to suffer because of this.

What can we do to make sure it stays strong? I know he has a lot of guilt because it's male infertility and he is blaming himself.

[angelpoo11]

It's tough to find out about infertility but I think it's even tougher at the start of a marriage. We got married in May of 2010 and I was diagnosed this January. It certainly changed a lot in our marriage so I understand where you're coming from. I can't speak for your husband but I do have the same feeling of guilt because in our marriage, I am the one with the infertility issues. I felt helpless and guilty that I can't get pregnant like a normal person and that DH's family has to pay for fertility treatments. (There is no way that we can afford this on our own right now) So there's a lot of guilt and pressure on the line. I can sort of relate and see that your husband may be going through the same. I was in denial and angry, even, when I was first diagnosed and had surgery for my endo. I was so angry at the doctors that said I will need IVF to conceive.
Like you said, it's only been a week and a half since you got the news. Give him some time to accept it and deal with it on his own, but still letting him know that you support him and understands what he is going through. Communication is really important. My husband is not a huge talker, so it was tough for us. Fortunately, I'm very open towards him and I try to tell him how I feel and encourage him to talk to me. Let him know that he shouldn't blame himself and that you will love him no matter what.
There were certainly ups and downs in my marriage. Going through my first IVF, I actually felt that I was closer with DH because he tried to stay involved and cook me dinner and things like that to lift my burden. Not to say that there isn't any rough patches. I feel like I'm going through a rough patch right now but it's mainly due to my own emotions, so I try not to let that affect our relationship. If I get really snappy, I just say, I need to calm down, the hormones are getting to me. And he understands. Just tell him how you feel. Encourage him to talk to you too. If he doesn't want to talk, tell him that's ok too but you'll be waiting for him to share when he is ready.
Don't let this ruin the holidays! Try to do something nice together.

[impatient]

DH and I both have factors going against us so we're fortunate that there's no one-sided guilt or blame, but still, infertility is really hard to accept and to get through. It has affected almost every aspect of our lives, including our relationship. Ultimately, I think it's made us a much stronger couple than we might have been otherwise. I see some of our friends bickering over insignificant details and I feel so fortunate that we never get upset with each other over small stuff.

Your DH probably needs a lot of support right now. When I was struggling with it all, my DH would drill into my head how important I was to him and how it's not his problem or my problem, it's our problem. If you guys aren't into Christmas, maybe you should go on a trip somewhere. I've found for us that everytime we go away, even if it's just for a weekend, we re-find a little piece of ourselves and each other.

[odyssey]

We were initially diagnosed with MF, and my DH took it to heart! Time and love helped us! And, so did a talk with the doctor who made him feel like this was not an end-all but a relatively common issue that science can help with.

[_journey]

We dealt with male factor infertility too (morphology less than 1%). It was a colossal shock when we found out - we were not married at the time, and we weren't even living in the same city. I remember him sobbing on the phone that I could still leave him if I wanted to, and find someone who wasn't "broken". My DH isn't a very emotional or reactive person. He later told me that it was the saddest and most vulnerable he has ever felt - years later, even after we weathered several miscarriages, his diagnosis was still his lowest point. Society places a HUGE value on male virility - being "a man" has a lot to do with the ability to father children. He had no one but me to talk to about it, and I was suddenly in a support role that I never imagined. We initially thought my Luteal Phase Defect was the cause of our fertility issues, and he was so good at comforting me. When the tables turned, it took us both some time to figure out our new roles.

One thing that helped both of us, was to remind him (and myself) that it didn't matter what caused our infertility - me, him - as a COUPLE we were infertile. I strongly emphasized that we were a team, and went out of my way to nurture that sentiment. Immediately after the diagnosis, I dropped everything and showed up at his place... we watched a lot of movies, went on long walks, had supper in a cozy restaurant. We didn't talk about infertility. We didn't talk much at all, in fact. I just tried to show him that I wanted to make this work. It wasn't an instantaneous love-fest, and he wasn't that interested in having sex (for once), but he realized that I loved him no matter what, and I was going to give my best effort to ensure that our diagnosis didn't ruin what we had. Infertility can take so much, and I was adamant that our relationship not become another casualty.

Your diagnosis is still very fresh, and it will take a while to get things back on a more even keel. Infertility will change your life, both individually and as a couple, forever. One can't pretend otherwise. Pull together, don't take your grief and anger out on each other (soooo easy to do), and support each other through the next few months. Be gentle with yourself and with him. Get a Christmas tree, go through the motions if you have to. At some point, it will become genuine again and you'll move forward together.

Good luck to you.

[MapleBecky]

Thanks everyone. We're doing better now. We have an appointment to see a fertility specialist in January, so I think we can focus on Christmas and deal with all of this in the new year.

[orchid]

Becky - wishing you all the best!
We experienced male factor as well and thinking back of the day we found out was the beginning of the biggest hurdle in our relationship we had to tackle. There were some really intense times, but when it came time to start our cycle, I had a revelation ... if we had to have IF, it is great that we had MF, rather than issues with me because once we sorted the sperm issues out and got pregnant, it would be smooth sailing.
In the end, DH and I are closer than ever ... overcoming IF had made us better partners to each other and a really good team for parenting. I feel more confident now that we can negotiate our way through future challenges because through our IF battle we had established a healthy pattern of interraction in the midst of a challenge. It would have been nice if we didn't have to go through this challenge, but we made the best of it and I am thankfull.
For you, I am hoping that the doctors can find the cause of the azoospermia and hopefully you'll get some good results with medication or surgical sperm aspiration. It's amazing what medicine can do these days!!
Wishing you all the best and sending you lots of babydust!

[DesignerBug]

Wishing you much patience, strength and understanding for each other. Infertility takes so much from us, often what we valued most, but didn't even know it. Like others have said, it's a team effort. Your job is now to remind him of that and support him as best you can. He won't be able to get through this without you and you without him.

Good Luck

[Elana]

I apologise for my late response to this topic. I was beset by illness throughout the month of December, which I am happily on the mend from!

This is one of the most crucial issues facing couples who are going through fertility issues. It is, perhaps, an "existential" issue when a couple first learns that it will be a complicated and tenuous route to conception. It is common for each member of the couple to receive the news with different attitudes; i.e. one may be overly optimistic while the other is all 'doom and gloom', one may be very expressive with grief while the other, while still suffering, may be more internal. It is critical not to invalidate one another's ways of grieving or coping. Instead, recognise potential signs of distress in one another - loss if interest in other activities (or, conversely, throwing oneself into activities as a way of distraction), bickering, irritability, silence, to name a few - and look at these behaviours as a sign that the other party needs extra support, space, or distraction. I find that when each member of the couple is allowed to cope in their own way without being challenged or forced to behave otherwise, he/she is more open to an honest discussion when he/she is ready for it. If one member of the couple is really shut down, or if the two of you are at odds with one another in terms of coping strategies and how to move forward, counselling with an infertility specialist can be helpful.

Don't forget, after the initial diagnosis and, at times throughout the treatment process, life can become very, very serious. As a couple it is really important to look for ways to still have fun and enjoy one another.

Best of luck,

Elana

[MapleBecky]

Thank you so much for your response. My husband read it too.

[ValleyGirl]

All of these responses are literally bringing tears to my eyes. You are all so inspiring and strong, I am so glad I found such an amazing source of support And inspiration here. I hope every one of you ladies and your spouses / partners achieve your baby dreams. People like you, smart, kind, caring are meant to be parents..