7 replies to this topic

[angelpoo11]

When I was diagnosed with Endo earlier this year. I was living with my in-laws so I had to tell them because I had to get surgery so obviously they will find out. The first thing my MIL said was, you may have to look into donor-eggs if you don't have any. This really upset me, as I was in a bad place just dealing with the facts at that point. It's not that I am against it, but I'd like it to be MY choice. She just made it sound like she feels I am inadequate and that I would HAVE to get a donor. She didn't even give me any encouragement. Then my FIL said, well, the Endo isn't the problem, the problem is that you may not be able to have kids, if you had kids already, just remove the whole thing and you're problem free. That was also very insensitive and I felt horrible. All along, I felt they weren't understanding through my IF problems.
Anyway, I am doing my first round of IVF and I bought my meds yesterday. My in-laws are supporting us a little bit through this because we are really not in the place financially to do it alone. I am feeling the pressure that if I don't respond well to the meds then I will be pressured into using a egg donor. I don't have anything against this, but I am just unsure if this is something that I want to do.

So my question for everyone is, if you've decided to use an egg donor, how did you come to this decision?
Second question, for all of you who have had help from family members, how did you deal with them? Did you feel pressured?

[muriel803]

Wow - I am sorry about your in laws. To be honest, I am shocked that they know about donor eggs because it really isn't very mainstream yet.
I think it is WAY too early to be worrying about using donor eggs. I would put your effort/thoughts/energy into the cycles you are doing with your own eggs. If you find that doesn't work, in a few months (or years) I'm not sure of your age, then you and your partner can discuss other options, of which donor eggs might be one of them, but adoption might be another. (believe me, I know adoption isn't easy, quick or cost free either, but it is another option that many people undertake).
I would say that you absolutely, completely and totally must be comfortable with whatever you both (meaning you and your partner) decide to do. And so does your partner. While it is super nice for your inlaws to help financially, that doesn't give them a say in what you both choose to do. I would be thankful (of course) but IF is stressful enough. I would say to them "thank you for your generous gift, but this is really private and personal and difficult and when there is something to tell you guys we will". or maybe your partner should say that.
Good luck with your current cycle!

[tjluvbug]

I agree, don't put the cart too far in front of the horse. Don't think about egg donation until you have to and know that that may be never. I also have endo and I supposedly produce excellent quality eggs! Endo isn't a guarantee of poor eggs. Perhaps your in laws are actually trying to be supportive and they just aren't very good at it. I know my dad's response when we told my parents about our IF struggle was "oh no biggy" you can always adopt. Not exactly what you want to hear going into a cycle that it may not work, but I know his heart was in the right place. Good Luck and fx for your little eggies!

[frostedlemon]

I have no experience with donor anything, but I certainly felt pressure when we were doing treatments. I felt like I was letting everyone who I'd talked to about it down if it was negative (which they were). With my first IUI I told everyone when my beta was, I told everyone how it was going, blah blah. For the second, I decided to not talk about it, not tell anyone when the results were coming, etc, because it felt less like I was letting people down. I couldn't stand people asking me how I was feeling every time I saw them, hated anytime I said anything other than that I was feeling okay they were all "oh really?" as if it was all pregnancy symptoms, felt like I couldn't do anything without being scrutinized that I might be pregnant.

It's great to be open with people and to have support... but at the same time, sometimes that support can be stifling and especially if they're trying to lay the blame somewhere. My parents are great, but then my mom would suggest stupid things like maybe my husband should shower twice a day and that would take care of the problem. Umm... people used to never shower and they got pregnant, I hardly think that cleanliness is the issue, and he's plenty clean. But way to blame him, that's really helpful.

[Yvonne]

My mom has given us some financial help with our cycles and I really appreciated it but now that 3 cycles have failed it makes me feel kind of bad that she has given us this money and nothing has come of it. Of course it's not my fault it hasn't worked but it feels harder to be aware that it's more than just us who have put money into it.

[impatient]

Yvonne, I felt that way after my second IVF, which my parents helped pay for - kind of guilty and selfish for accepting their money when the chances weren't that high. Then I thought about it and realized that their contribution wasn't completely altruistic. Infertility affects everyone in the extended family, not just the couple TTC. My parents helped us because they were hoping for grandkids.

[angelpoo11]

Yvonne, I felt that way after my second IVF, which my parents helped pay for - kind of guilty and selfish for accepting their money when the chances weren't that high. Then I thought about it and realized that their contribution wasn't completely altruistic. Infertility affects everyone in the extended family, not just the couple TTC. My parents helped us because they were hoping for grandkids.

Good point. I am thankful to them, I truly am. But I know they also want this as much as we do. Hopefully I can feel less guilt!

[natti]

You are lucky it least somebody gave you a hand. My in-laws are currently purchasing recreational property in USA. They told us that not everybody means to be a parent. It is OK if we can't have children. But it is not OK with me or my husband (their son). We both upset with their comments. I understand they already 4 grandchildren (from my husband sisters) and don't want more. It is their decision to spend their money on recreational property while we are struggling with money. I wouldn't take it any way after all those comments. We will survive.