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How do you live your life?


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#1 impatient

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 10:27 AM

I'm curious to know how people who have tried to conceive, but either quit for good or put things on hold, live. What kind of lifestyle do you have? What goals and hopes do you focus on?

When we first realized we couldn't conceive, we kind of went into shock and avoided everything related to young kids. We went out lots and hung out with all of our single and gay friends.

Then we decided to adopt and realized it would be better to have some friends with kids around. We bought a house with spare bedrooms in a nice quiet neighbourhood, and tried to be more balanced.

But now, it seems like adoption is not going to work out - at least not for another year or two, and we'll keep TTC via fertility treatments, but we're running out of money and the odds aren't looking good.

So now I'm confused over where I should put my head. Do we keep our chins up and pretend that kids are just around the corner? (Basically continue this limbo we're living in.) Or do we shake things up? Pursue friendships with child-free people and do things that only child-free couples can do? Part of me just wants to quit my job, rent out the house and move to another country.

There are plenty of benefits to child-free living. My uncle married late in life and he and his wife have a crazy, artistic life with lots of travel and fine dining.

But then, a few years from now, when TTC is no longer an option, am I going to look back and say, "I wish I'd tried harder"?
  • Crazy_beautiful89 likes this
Me: 41, DH: 44
TTC: since Jan, 2008 (age 34)

DH: Low morphology, low count. Me: Stage 2-3 endometriosis, non-functional fallopian tubes, small fibroids, low AFC, low poor responder ... anything else?

Jun 2008-Sep 2011 in a nutshell: One HSG, one very traumatic office hysteroscopy, one operative laparoscopy, three fresh IVF/ICSI cycles, one chemical, one early miscarriage, two tubal recanalizations, five IUIs (3 with Clomid).

May 2010 - Aug 2011 Attempted adoption application process through the BC MCFD. Aug 2011 Signed up with a private agency. On both waiting lists as of Apr 2012. Proposal through MCFD Jul 2012. Aug 2012 - Finally ... she's home and we're a family! : )

Adoption application #2 started Aug 2013. DD2 placed May 2014, finalized Feb 2015!


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Thomas Edison

#2 gibasgirl

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 11:04 AM

Thank you for posting this.

#3 michelleo

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 11:37 AM

I struggle with these same questions. I hope that those of us that have stopped or paused will reply. I could use some guidance and the forum for childless/childfree is pretty quiet. I tell myself that DH and I would travel all the time, but I don't know if that would actually happen cause we haven't travelled a whole bunch up till now. Maybe it would change when we said outloud that we are done.
Me 36 DH 36
TTC our first child since 2005

M/C #1 - February 2006
M/C #2 - October 2008
M/C #3 - July 2010

July 21,2010 - Initial appointment at RFP in Calgary.
October 13, 2010 - Results are in... Thrombophilia (clotting disorder that causes miscarriage) and Hashimotos with antithyroid antibodies. Apparently my immune system hates me. Synthroid, selenium & Low-dose aspirin. Keep on trying naturally for 6 months. OMG I'm now 35!
January 20, 2011 - Well it looks like my Throbophilia is the wrong kind to be causing my m/c's and all my immune stuff was a figment of my imagination? Back to square one.

IUI #1 - Feb.19/11 - Mar.3 - BETA = 11,Mar.5 - BETA = 55,Mar.7 - BETA = 166,Mar.15 - BETA = 984 - Beta dropped to 400 and bleeding M/C #4
IUI #2 - June 17, 2011 - BFN - Ouch, that one hurt.
IUI #3 - August 30, 2011 - Beta on Sept. 12 - BFN
IUI #4 - February 17, 2012 using DH's frozen sperm - Beta on February 28 - BFN
IUI #5 - March 15, 2012 - Beta on March 26 - BFN
IUI #6 - April 12, 2012 using DH's frozen sperm - Beta on April 23 - BFN

#4 tmariederm

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 12:36 PM

It's very hard to re-adjust the sails to turn that corner, every time I try something pulls me back. But DH and I had this conversation last week, he's ready to move-on he says and has been since miscarriage #2. But then I see him goo and gah over someone else's baby and I think he's just afraid to miscarry again.
But we've done it, we've said our date out loud it's 1/1/2012 and then we'll say like all the others wasn't "meant to be". And hell ya, that's going to be tough; thinking about drowning my sorrows on a Caribbean island and leading a pirate's life far away from here. At least that's all I've got so far...lol
"To accomplish great things, we must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe." Anatole France

#5 belenda

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 12:43 PM

tmairie, just curious why you would post in a child free forum about not having kids when it looks like you have teens? Not trying to be rude, just wondering. Seems kinda insensitive to those who actually have NO kids, not just trying to have more with a new relationship.

#6 gibasgirl

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 01:04 PM

Pain is pain.
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#7 impatient

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 01:22 PM

Belenda - Tmarie's husband doesn't have kids, so even though it might not be exactly the same as not having any kids at all, there are a lot of the same issues.

I honestly want to hear from anyone who can give me some insight on how to get through this. (And that includes you, Belenda, if you have anything you'd like to share.)

It seems like some days I feel like things are good, I'm thankful for what I do have, and I'm okay with living in/for the moment, and then other days I really wonder whose life this is I'm living. It can't be mine.
  • DiXie likes this
Me: 41, DH: 44
TTC: since Jan, 2008 (age 34)

DH: Low morphology, low count. Me: Stage 2-3 endometriosis, non-functional fallopian tubes, small fibroids, low AFC, low poor responder ... anything else?

Jun 2008-Sep 2011 in a nutshell: One HSG, one very traumatic office hysteroscopy, one operative laparoscopy, three fresh IVF/ICSI cycles, one chemical, one early miscarriage, two tubal recanalizations, five IUIs (3 with Clomid).

May 2010 - Aug 2011 Attempted adoption application process through the BC MCFD. Aug 2011 Signed up with a private agency. On both waiting lists as of Apr 2012. Proposal through MCFD Jul 2012. Aug 2012 - Finally ... she's home and we're a family! : )

Adoption application #2 started Aug 2013. DD2 placed May 2014, finalized Feb 2015!


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Thomas Edison

#8 tmariederm

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 01:50 PM

Belenda you are quite correct I do have teens, DH has none true, but I'm certain that is indeed easier for me to move on than those who have never been a mother. I do try to be very sensitive to all but I responded to this from the new posts section of the home page and did not see what section it was posted in till right now, oops!
Sorry to anyone I might have offended and promise to be more careful!
xoxox
"To accomplish great things, we must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe." Anatole France

#9 DiXie

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Posted 14 July 2011 - 12:16 PM

My theory: I try to spend as much time as I can around my friend's kids!!!
I just spent a weekend with a group of friends (out of 7 couples, 3 were childless including us), and after a long day running after kids, bathing them, putting them to bed, and then they are up early in the morning, DH and I came back home and said "well I am glad I don't have kids". Do you know how tiring it is to have kids? run around after them, wipe their nose, what about them eating chocolate and then with their chocolatey hands getting it all over your favorite summer dress!! lol those are just some examples.

As much as I enjoyed that weekend I hated it too! I still hang out with those same people, and when we are with them, I play with those kids and spend some time with them, but at the end of the day I don't have to bring them home with me and bathe them, and get them to bed. I can just get home, snuggle with my dog, watch some TV in the quiteness of my home and then go to bed, and SLEEP IN the next day.

I love kids, I love spending time with them, but when I think hard enough: I wouldn't want them getting spagheti sauce all over my cream sofa and whining all day. I get tired after few hours of playing with them, but imagine doing it ALL the time, 24 hours a day 7 days a week, pleasing them, doing what they want to do. I take the option of having them for a few hours and letting their parents deal with the rest (including the dirty diapers).

You know those girls who get pregnant by "mistake", I don't envy them, I fell sorry for them, just like someone feels sorry for me for not having kids, I feel sorry for those who didn't want any and ended up with them, it wasn't their choice (sometimes), those cards were dealt for them, just like they were dealt for me. In their eyes I have a better hand! and I am not afaraid to flaunt my freedom at them, just like they flaunt their pregnant bellies at me!

So, in conclusion, while I still yearn to be a mother, the more and more I am not one I am getting used to the idea of being free for the next 10 years, and then maybe adopt or foster. And while someone might be jealous that their friend is pregnant; you shouldn't be, because she is probably jelous that you are NOT...
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#10 impatient

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Posted 14 July 2011 - 12:34 PM

Dixie, I have to say that my early thirties were FANTASTIC and I cannot even imagine missing out on all those life experiences if I'd had kids. I think your plan is a good one. :)
Me: 41, DH: 44
TTC: since Jan, 2008 (age 34)

DH: Low morphology, low count. Me: Stage 2-3 endometriosis, non-functional fallopian tubes, small fibroids, low AFC, low poor responder ... anything else?

Jun 2008-Sep 2011 in a nutshell: One HSG, one very traumatic office hysteroscopy, one operative laparoscopy, three fresh IVF/ICSI cycles, one chemical, one early miscarriage, two tubal recanalizations, five IUIs (3 with Clomid).

May 2010 - Aug 2011 Attempted adoption application process through the BC MCFD. Aug 2011 Signed up with a private agency. On both waiting lists as of Apr 2012. Proposal through MCFD Jul 2012. Aug 2012 - Finally ... she's home and we're a family! : )

Adoption application #2 started Aug 2013. DD2 placed May 2014, finalized Feb 2015!


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Thomas Edison

#11 mkttc

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Posted 14 July 2011 - 06:40 PM

Hey great forum. I know for DH and I, I have really been pushing the idea of living intentionally - because it is all fine and good to say "well we can now do X, y, and Z" because we likely won't have kids, but then we continue to have the same life and do the same crap (not that it is bad). I right now am really trying to identify what having a child would mean for me and what needs/wants having a child serves - from there, figuring out how to intentionally cultivate a lifestyle that will feel big, full and enough. The one thing I did identify recently is that life at this close to 40 is (for me) a little depressing - you know all the big unknowns like who will I marry, what will I do, where will I live - those questions have kind of been answered. It (for me) is also feeling like I am reaching an age where life stops giving to you and starts taking away - (e.g your health can change, people die etc.). I know that having a child for me represented one last big adventure and one last "give". So, I have also decided that I can cultivate the sense of "newness" and adventure in alternative ways - I applied for a new job in Vancouver (I interview tomorrow)and I confess the past few days with the possibility of living somewhere different, with a different job, surrounded by different people has been really exciting. I am not sure it will last, but I am sticking with my approach for myself to figure out the initial question proposed in the forum.

Kyla
  • impatient, Wishinandprayin and Crazy_beautiful89 like this
TTC for about 9 years (since age 30)
2007 - Metformin & suspected early M/C in July 2007
2009 - Hysteroscopy - endo found & removed, no blockages
2010 - Clomid
Feb 2010 - first ever BFP on 2nd cycle
March 2010 - dx M/C, emerg d&c
April 2010 - referral to Edmonton Fertility Clinic
FSH - 6.1 DH's completely fine...
July 2010 - first IUI on clomid
5 failed IUI
January 2011 - IVF #1 - BFN
3 more failed IUI
Last chance FET likely August 2011
BFP - ultrasound shows two sacs
Natural M/C 7 weeks
Ultimate Shocker - natural BFP one month later...
Wow - daughter born July 16/2012

#12 impatient

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Posted 15 July 2011 - 10:26 AM

Wow, I can totally relate to so much of what you posted there.

'Living intentionally' - I like that. In fact, it might become my new motto for a little while. B)

I feel like at this point in my life, I've done everything that I really wanted to - travel, different jobs, different sports, etc, etc - and now to go back and do that stuff again makes me feel sad and old because to be honest, travelling when you're 25 is generally much more of a live-changing adventure than travelling when you're 38. (I know better than to take all those risks now! But 'safe' vacations are a little boring.)

And I think when you have kids, it's fine or even good to have a routine (or shall we say: be in a rut?), but when you don't have kids, it's pretty lame. I feel like DH and I have been gearing up for the whole family thing, basically since we met. Now everything is in place ... except still no kids. I feel like I bought a ticket to the wrong show.

I feel like the only thing I'm passionate about right now is TTC, and as I'm clearly not very good at it, it's a little hard on the self-esteem.

But I'm really struggling to find what else I want to do with my life. I'm drawing a blank.
  • mkttc likes this
Me: 41, DH: 44
TTC: since Jan, 2008 (age 34)

DH: Low morphology, low count. Me: Stage 2-3 endometriosis, non-functional fallopian tubes, small fibroids, low AFC, low poor responder ... anything else?

Jun 2008-Sep 2011 in a nutshell: One HSG, one very traumatic office hysteroscopy, one operative laparoscopy, three fresh IVF/ICSI cycles, one chemical, one early miscarriage, two tubal recanalizations, five IUIs (3 with Clomid).

May 2010 - Aug 2011 Attempted adoption application process through the BC MCFD. Aug 2011 Signed up with a private agency. On both waiting lists as of Apr 2012. Proposal through MCFD Jul 2012. Aug 2012 - Finally ... she's home and we're a family! : )

Adoption application #2 started Aug 2013. DD2 placed May 2014, finalized Feb 2015!


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Thomas Edison

#13 kristinaR

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Posted 11 February 2012 - 04:53 PM

Just ran by your posts here......
sometimes i think this exactly. Somedays i feel im wasting my life away ttc, cuz nothing works out. Other days i feel like god gave us this hand cuz we are strong enough to fight for it. Dunno anymore, honestly. We have prepared for our lives with a family the same ways(house, names, things).
DH and i have agreed if the next try doesnt workout we will put our names on the adoption list and wait as were use to, and do something while were waiting that we have really wanted to do. Its just a small plan, but it helps me think ahead for the possibilities and not put all my emotions into this anymore....just want to have a relaxed mind.
  • Lucretia likes this
Me--31 Endometreosis level4, blocked tubes from hydrosalpinx/endo : tubes now clamped, possible ANA immune issues,
Have had 4 surgeries, polyps removed, Endometreomas removed, tubes clamped, and endo lasered.
DH--32 normal.
3 four legged kids:)

IVF#1
Our journey
Lupron,(4months)
April 2/10--start gonal -f and luveras
April 13/10--ER 19 eggs
April 14/10-- 11 embies fertilized,
April18/10-- Et today, 2 good quality babies inside. no frosties
April 27/10-- Beta results 73 BFP!!!! Praying for thursday that my numbers go up!
April29/10---Beta results arent good. Gone down to 20 :( very upset right now
May6/10-----Beta results BFN :(


IVF#2
Lupron(3months)
Sept17/10--start menopur
Sept 28--ER (24 eggs)and report--14 fertilized.
Oct 3--ET-2 perfect embryos, freezeing 3
Oct 12--beta.....BFN :(


FET#1
Lost the weight, eating better, feel better
Aug 20th---Started Superfact.
Sept 7th--U/S , Started Estrace and antibiotics.
Sept19---lining check--good. 2 tiny cysts.
Sept24---FET---eeek here we go again!(2ww starts)
Oct 3--first beta#163! BFP!!!!!!!
Oct5--beta2#490!
Oct 9th-beta 3#3898! holy cow!
Oct10th---- Well once again spontaneous miscarriage..LOST.


IVF#3
Mar 14/12 Started BCP have small endometrioma again
May 28/12 started menopur,puregon,and asa and Dex
June 3/12 added orgalutron
June 4/12--Intralipids
June 5 /12 HCG trigger
June 7/12---ER 9 eggs retrieved.
June 11/12--Report : out of 7 fertilized, 2 embies going back tomm(great) and 3 being watched.
June 12/12--ET 2 lovely Blasts One hatching 5AB and one 4AB. One Frostie:)
June 21/Beta --178 BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 23/beta---414
June 27/beta---2109
July25/12----First ultrasound. Its TWINS!!!! omg!:)
Aug 17/12--NT scan, went well. heart beats 158 and 160 and measuring ahead a week. Low risk nt
Sep 27/12--Anatomy Scan. went well. HBs 155 and 153 measuring week and half ahead.

#14 AcelinePanetier

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Posted 22 February 2012 - 02:31 AM

Live every day on a fresh new start. Don’t be held back by what happened yesterday, the day before, the week before, the year before, and so on.
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#15 Crazy_beautiful89

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Posted 13 December 2016 - 09:07 PM

love this question as I also struggle with the same dilemma!
  • gibasgirl likes this