4 replies to this topic

[valentine0214]

I have been feeling so conflicted lately. In the US we only get l6 weeks paid leave. My baby will be 5 mos soon and I am still home with her, and I am very grateful for every day. I managed to stretch out my leave to 10 weeks but when I returned to work, my employer didnt have enough work (long story)...and I managed to be able to work from home for a couple months until the inevitable happened: I was laid off. Now I have been completely home/unemployed for 2 weeks and didnt really have any intentions of putting a rush on the job search - till I got my first unemployment check. It was not nearly as much as I thought it would be and it wont even cover my mortgage payments. So, I started a hard core search for a job this week and I have just been on such an emotional rollarcoaster.

Part of me wants to go back to work (I have been feeling like in a 'fog' since I got pregnant - and finally this 'fog' has lifted.)...While I was in this fog I thought 'I wanna stay home forever'...and I was so very happy doing so....but now I am feeling the urge to go back to the work world. Part of me wants to stay home with my daughter and protect her from the outside world, avoid putting her in daycare and be happy at home watching her development (which makes me so incredibly happy). I know I cant stay home forever, and I am longing for a job where I can have a different type of stimulation, but I am worried about her, putting her into the hands of strangers. Part of this is coming from the fact that I was abused as a child (by a family member) and I guess I feel very protective over her. If I couldnt even trust my own family, how can I hand her over to people I dont know?

Part of me also feels guilty for being here all day, while bf goes to work. I know he feels a tinge of jealousy (though he would never admit it) because the baby always wants me, and she doesnt really know him all that well...that's because I am breastfeeding and there is a close bond between a mom and baby when you are home all day together. And I have always been the higher earner in the house, so to only be bringing in a third of my income right now feels very awkard to me.

Today I got called for an interview for Monday, they want someone to start PRONTO, and I have no daycare lined up and havent even thought about it...I never thought things would move so fast and I am so frightened. I am scared to go back, yet scared to stay home. I am starting to become depressed because I am not getting out enough and I dont want to go out because I am depressed and lazy. It's a vicious cycle. Anyone else out there with the same experience? I am feeling quite lonely and sad right now.

[allcriedout]

Val - so sorry to hear about how you are feeling and the position that you are in. Unfortunately I do not have any advice to offer - just (((((((((((hugs))))))))))).

Love and hugs,
ACO
xo

[Rosa]

I am also feeling conflicted. I have to go back in 2 months and it's been a roller-coaster being home.

On the one hand, as you mentioned, it's so great being your child and bonding with them. On the other hand, I do miss having a lunch break, time to myself and getting out of the house on a regular basis. I also miss the mental stimulation, because taking care of a small baby is such physical work. It's completely different types of work.

I felt really depressed after DD was born and didn't start feelling like myself until she was around 3.5 months.

I think what you're feeling is not uncommon. As I think about going back to work, I worry and panic too. How will I handle juggling work/child care etc. How can I trust someone to take care of DD?

I have no advice, but you're not alone in your concerns.

[Baxie]

I think I had a delayed case of PPD. I was just fine after DD was born, but that whole year I was home with her I just never felt like myself. I loved seeing her grow and develop and taking her to play-group and Gymboree and things, but I didn't realize how blue I really was until I nearly ruined a friendship. I had become someone else and it wasn't cool.

I'm not sure if it was hormonal (as I was BF-ing) or if I was just not used to being at home making gov't maternity benefits (which was a quarter of my income). All I know is that the moment I returned to work, I felt like me again. This happened to coincide with the same week I got my cycle back and started to wean DD.. .so who knows?

You'll have to find a childcare solution that works for you. It's not easy and you'll never feel 100% at first. I cried the first little while after dropping DD off and I felt like the worst mother ever, believe me. After a couple of months, she got used to the arrangement and so did I. The best part of my day is going to pick her up and she runs to me with a big smile!

Now that I'm back at work and I am out of my 'blues', I have way more energy and look forward to the time I can spend with DD. I can't wait to get home and play with her. She now has a happy energetic mommy who wants to pick her up and give her a zoom around the park, take her down the slide and chase her around the house. I didn't seem to have the energy to want to do any of that while I was at home.

You're definitely not alone, valentine. I know how you feel. I hope you find a childcare option that you're comfortable with soon. It sounds to me like you need to back to the grind!

(Incidentally, I only got 6 weeks 'paid' maternity leave too. It's just law in Canada that you get maternity benfits for up to a year and your employer must hold your job for you or one at the same level.)

[tigerlady]

I went thru the same thing. I didnt want to go, I cried and cried. Once I got a taste of the outside world again, I craved more and I felt so guilty for wanting to leave my daughter. I have the best of both worlds right now, I only work 3 days a week! Its great! I get my ME time and adult converstations, the stimulation I craved as well I get to partially stay home with my daughter. Your definitely not alone Val! It will get easier, I promise!

Hugs Anne