[gottahavefaith]

I am sitting here on the computer with eyes stinging and numb but at the same time feeling an overwhelming mix of emotions. After a FET two weeks ago I was elated to see a positive on an HPT, a little worried when I got my beta back at only 42 and now devastated when my 2nd beta came in at 38, told to stop all meds and wait for AF? How do I even begin to do that? I am very grateful for my DD and feel selfish for being crushed with failed FET but still can't help but feel cheated.
What I keep wondering is what would have been better? A BFN from the get go or this? Has anyone experienced both that could share? My mind is reeling.
YOU ladies are my heroes. Infertility sucks. And so do HPT's...they're evil and not conclusive when it comes to IVF.

[nervus optmist]

I'm so sorry. You're right - this does suck! You're entitled to feel however you feel (even if you have a beautiful DD you are grateful for) it's not at all selfish.

I'm waiting for AF too (ectopic... sigh) and the whole thing totally sucks. I'm a bit of a research junkie - especially when I've got bad news so I do actually know the medical answer to your question... would it have been better to be negative from the beginning? (and I've experienced both... sigh again) emotionally - yes - BFN also sucks - but research says it sucks a little less than MC, even a very early one, but medically - you are better off this way - your chances of future success are greater. I find that to be no comfort to me at all right now (the 'at least you know you can get PG' argument - it makes me crazy) but on a strictly scientific level it is true. so what would be better - not having to deal with IF would be better, but for whatever reason it's not the hand we've been dealt, so we play the hand we've got, and we cry, and we laugh, and we cry some more, and at the end of the day... one way or another... we find our happy ending.

best of luck to you.
there is a group of us who keep in touch on this subject in the just to chat thread - feel free to join in - we are a friendly bunch

[HugsALot]

Hi Gottahave FAITH!

I love your name, it's so true!

I am sorry about your miscarriage. I can't tell you what is worse, it's so different every time. I have had 4 "early" pregnancy losses and 2 successful pregnancies, I am currently in my 16th week of my 3rd pregnancy and praying everything works out okay.

I would lean towards saying miscarriage is worse as there is such incredible happiness and hope with the BFP stick and then everything is crushed.

I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better!

XOXOXO
K

[~*Megan*~]

XO

[Haligobabies]

I'm very sorry .

[jgeddes]

I'm sorry

[PurpleHair]

Hi there,
After my first IVF cycle was a BFP... which I was elated about - that turned into a m/c BFN.. I know exactly how you feel. As such, since that point, I never do any HPT's until after my AF is due - i just couldnt cope with the disappointment...
I'm sorry you have had to go through this... and hope that you get your BFP next time,
Hang in there,
Purple
x

[Hopefull39]

I have not had both, but I have had a chemical pregnancy. What a horrible cruel term. I have felt that it has been harder than I 'think' a bfn would have been. It has been a month now and not much easier, but somedays are better. Somedays I feel quite hopeless actually.
I agree with nervous optimist that knowing you could get pregnant is no comfort at all.

Take the time you need and feel what you feel, it is right for you and not for others to judge.
{{{hugs}}}

[ceska_holkacz]

GHF - I am so sorry - hugs hugs and more hugs...

I often sit back and wonder what would have been worse....a BFN....a m/c or living what I had to live with the pg and life of my beautiful Miracle Fighter Isabelle. Today, almost 1 year she is passed away I still don't have the answer. What I do know is that somehow my loss of my little suprise Simon at 20wks was not as difficult to take as the loss of Isabelle. That isn't taking away from the little life I never got to hold...but somehow there is a diference.

All that to say...a loss is a loss and shot to the heart...and after the last year I have come to realize that no loss is of greater importance...from a BFN to the loss of a child...in reality they are all losses of a dream and that my friend is the most painful shot to a women't heart.

Lots of hugs.
Karolyn

[kacik]

I am so very very sorry.

[impatient]

I've never had a BFN, so I can't answer that. My first IVF was a chemical and I think it was better than a BFN because I was optimistic that there had been attempted implantation. That gave me hope. The second IVF was an early miscarriage. Physically it was terrible - lots of blood and two trips to the ER. And psychologically it was also terrible because the betas were on the low side from the beginning and what should have been a 2ww became a 4ww for us. So, I'd have to say that I would have much prefered a BFN the second time around.

I think early miscarriages and chemicals are a tragedy for the average woman, but for us, it's so much worse because we've invested our life savings on this one chance. Also, we've already been through two months of drugs and watching our bodies change - so a chemical at four weeks is psychologically comparable in some ways to a miscarriage at three months for a regular woman. And I think it's understandable to feel the same amount of grief and loss.

[babatime]

I am so very sorry.

Hugs

[gottahavefaith]

Thanks ladies for all your support. Funny how I never met you guys and you make me feel "better" than the people closest to me....mostly bec you guys can relate. I will take the time to heal and then think about next options...right after my blood test on friday...I just want an HCG of 0 so I can move on. I can't tell you how many times I googled "declining hcg in early pregnancy result in viable pregnancy" today!
You're all my inspiration.
XO
GHF

[sharlene]

I think nervus optimist said everything well -

I don't have too much to add - as for me - I had 3 BFNs (from 3 separate IUIs) - and then BFP from IVF - which was a m/c and D & C at what should have been 8 weeks. It all stinks. Everything short of giving birth and holding that baby and raising it to adulthood all stink. Which loss is worse? For me, if it all ends up working out and the next IVF works, then I guess I will have been happy to know that I could get pregnant - in that case the m/c was better for me. But the negatives were just empty - there was no loss for me on those - they were just attempts that didn't work. The m/c, for me, was a more real loss. I had several weeks of reading what the growing embryo was up to inside me - then having it end, just stunk.

Whatever way you are dealing with the loss - my hope for you is that you heal - and get to the one that works. My healing was in getting my next period so I could start this all over again. I really couldn't get over the loss until I knew I was moving on to try again. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with it if it was my last chance (though it is getting close to my last chance).

Good luck - take the time to grieve - you will need it. But you will heal - remember that.

[Edie]

Gottahavefaith, my experience was a little different to the other ladies so I hope I don't offend you, or anyone else, at this difficult time - when I had an m/c the cliche 'at least you know you can get pregnant' meant everything in the world to me. I loved to hear it, it gave me courage and strength. I didn't experience my m/c a a loss as much as a message. It said 'I am coming.' It said 'have faith'. It said 'I am a boy and I am coming.' Sorry if this sounds really trippy - but it really was like that. it was the best sign I had ever had that I could do this. For all the long long years before that I never knew. I was never convinced. I will always be grateful for that pregnancy even though it wasn't yet time. It was my trial run. Now I am pregnant with a living boy.

Your name says it all. Hang in hunny. Whatever you feel is ok.

x Edie

[Nekodog]

I'm with Edie. I just had a chemical and although it was an emotional roller coaster ride, I have come out of it more hopeful than if I'd had a BFN. I had a BFN with an FET last year and felt totally empty, like I'd completely wasted my time and money. This time it was hard, but it felt good knowing that something tried to implant. It's a message that things were happening in there. I only have one FET left (after that we are done) and I'm going in with cautious optimism. I think it's different for everyone and there's no right answer really.

[dove]

I had two negative ivfs, 2 negative fets and five negative iui's. i had a miscarriage after one Fet and I'm with Edie for me it gave me hope that i could get pregnant. I think it really depends on what what your experience has been but both are painful and suck. Good luck.