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IVF and Divorce

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#1 Duky

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 10:01 AM

Hi there,

After years of trying to conceive and other issues, my DW and I are parting ways (we are legally married lesbian couple.) Among all the other horrible sadnesses that accompany this time in our lives, I am now facing IVF alone. My choice, but nonetheless...

We are legally married, and I know that in order to be granted a divorce we must be separated for 1 year. But I wonder whether I will be obligated to wait until that year has come to begin IVF again? If the child is not biologically hers (I will be using donor sperm my own eggs) and we are separated - I wonder if she still has claims or obligations? I guess I just don't know whether I need to wait until the legal divorce has been granted to proceed. Every year counts! I'm turning 40 in April!

I'm going to find a lawyer to speak to - but wondered if anyone out there has any thoughts about this.

Thanks everyone...this place is amazing.
Me - 42
Partner - 42

2008 and 2009 witnessed 10 failed IUI attempts with no meds and donor sperm, 3 IVF cycles, one canceled due to low estrogen levels and two carried through all the way to transfer but with no blasts - transferred 2 of the best first time around and 3 the second time around. BFN

Doing DE. Found donor! Transfer estimated for September 30.
October 14th - BFP!!
Beautiful and amazing baby girl born June 13, 2012.

#2 mouse


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Posted 12 January 2010 - 10:38 AM

I've no experience with this, but wanted to wish you all the best as you move forward through the difficult parts to a, fingers crossed, brighter path.

The site has a lawyer (Nicolle) who specialises in infertility/IVF sorts of issues so maybe you could re-post your message in that forum. I believe it's the Donor/Surrogacy forum.

Good luck to you!
The plural of anecdote is not data.

Charity gives a meal; justice provides a place at the table.

#3 ~*Megan*~

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 10:57 AM

Welcome to the site!!! All the best on your IVF journey, and I am sorry about yourdivorce, I hope it all goes smoothly as possible.
Our Journey to Parenthood
TTC Since September 2007 - Diagnosis "Unexplained Infertility"
Me 28 - DH 30

Sept 2007-2008 - Trying au natural - When it was fun ;)
Sept 2008 Refered to 1st clinic, what a waste of time
Dec 2008 - Told by old clinic both my tubes were blocked, going for a lap...
Feb 2009 - Lap. done, both tubes clear and open, were never blocked
March 2009 - Clinic gave us the wrong patients results - switched clinics
April 2009 - Started at ISIS
May 2009 - 1st B2B IUI - DH counts amazing, 72 and 42 million 90% mobility - BFN!!! devastated beyond words
June 2009 - IUI #2 - 3 Good follicles - June 16th (113 million sperm, 99% motility WOOHOO) and 17th!! Beta Day July 1st - 14DPIUI...AF arrived...wondering how much more we can take :(
July 2009 - IUI #3 - Changed to timed BD...CD10 (July 10th) Only one good follicle, 2.2 I think, chose timed BD instead of IUI#3, due to only one follicle - we are going to try "au natural " this cycle - BFN again...
August 2009 - Taking time off and enjoying each other, 1st adoption meeting Sept 16th, and I also have a free round of Gonal-F waiting for us at the clinic when we decide to go back - Became a Moderator here at IVF.CA!! Thrilled to be about to give back to a wonderful site and great group
September 2009 - Explored the adoption process with Halton CAS Sept. 16 then decided to take time off from TTC and save for more fertility treatments in the future...
October 2009 - Decided to submit our application for adoption (Oct 27th) and started acupuncture, will not give up we will have a family one day
November 2009 - Finally met Karolyn, she stayed with DH and I for 3 days, she is like a sister to me, and had a few wonderful meet up's with other amazing women from the site...words can not describe what an amazing weekend that was
December 2009 - Re-doing a bunch of tests - hopefully a few IUI's in the new year with a different protocol - Maybe PRIDE training in March
January 2010 - Results from SONO and HSG, all looks great, Right tube questionable, not a huge concern as per Dr. Saving for IVF as that is our next option...might be a few years, hopefully not. Hopefully our miracle will come before -Wondering why is this so hard??
Jan 2010 Cont'd - Accepted to PRIDE training starting in March, SAFE home study to follow...We can finally dream again...
March 2010 - Started PRIDE March 22nd - 9 classes, 3 hrs every Monday night - Enjoying the class, looking forward to the future, getting all our documents ready for our SAFE homestudy package
May 1st 2010 - BFP on a HPT!!! Holy crap how did that happen...May 2nd Beta 182...May 4th Beta 300...1st U/S May 14th - 1st U/S shows healthy miracle bean - H/B and all - 127 beats per minute, what a wonderful moment between DH and I

Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will...

Visit our website - http://www.ourjourne...ly.blogspot.com

#4 kerrilyn


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Posted 12 January 2010 - 12:22 PM

I have no advice to offer but I am intrigued by your situation and will stay tuned to hear the lagalities of it all.

If you look at a heterosexual couple, I could separate from my husband and get pregnant with another man's baby and my ex would have no claim on said child. It will be interesting to see if there would be a different standard in your case. I guess it would make a difference too if the donor sperm was purchased while you were together, becuase then she would have a legal claim to it as matrimonial property.

I wish you the best of luck!!
Me (Kerri-Lyn) 41, DH (Steve) 37, TTC since April 2007Unexplained IF (possibly crappy eggs, AMH 10.4 = poor responder) - HSG, SHGx3, Lap, Cycle Monitoring, Recurrent loss bloods, EMB, Karyotyping, DNA Frag - all normal! 7 IUI's, 2 cancelled IVF's, 3 complete IVF's, 1 FET, 2 clinics, 1 early miscarriage, lots of debt, lots of heartache, lots of tears. We rolled the dice and got lucky on our last ditch "close the door" cycle and have a beautiful little girl. April 2014 - Had the crazy notion to try for another. Shocked with a BFP, miscarried @ 8W6D. See my "about me" page for more cycle details.

#5 Good Fortune

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 01:52 PM

So sorry for your situation.
Would she want some claim on the child?
Would you expect her to fulfil some obligation towards it?
If the answer is no to both the above, maybe that solves the problem, if you can negotiate this amicably.

My DH got divorced and sadly what starts out civilised rarely ends up so, but as to you TTC in the short term, I can't imagine why you would be prevented from doing so. Thinking back to all the forms we signed and all the permutations, surely you'd be treated as another single woman.

Best of luck with all this. I hope your sorrow doesn't take too much of your energy and you are able to follow your dream.
5 bites at the IVF cherry, no 2 lines, no babies, despite some "good" cycles.

NK cells tested March17th 2010. HIGHLY ELEVATED - 24%

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

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#6 Sweetheart

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 03:14 PM

You do not have to wait 1 year for a divorce if you are willing to cite the grounds for divorce such as adultery, mental cruelty, or_____. There is another one I can't recall. Speak to your spouse. If they will agree not to contest the divorce, I think you can have it in a matter of weeks.

Another option is to have a legal separation agreement where you both agree not to bind each other in any way be it financial or through conceiving and bearing a child....

Run these by your lawyer.
TTC #1 since 04/06
Age: 45, DH: 51. TTC#1 since 04/06
2/07 First Clomid natural cycle = BFN
3/07 Second Clomid natural cycle = BFP, MC 5/07 at 8 weeks, D & C 5/07
07/07 Third clomid natural cycle= no sign of follicle but ovulation assumed by bloodwork = BFN
8/07 First Clomid + IUI cycle = BFN + complications
9/07-11/07 Unable to TTC due to recovering from injury
12/07 First Injectibles cycle (SC) (Puregon) + IUI = 1 mature follicle and a BFN
01/08 2nd Injectibles cycle (IM)(Puregon & Repronex), 2 follicles but not quite mature, IUI any way = BFN
02/08 3rd injectibles (IM) (Bravelle & Repronex), 2 follicles 21 and 14, IUI = BFN
03/08 4th injectibles (IM) (Clomid + Gonal F), 1 follicle, IUI x 4 days in a row = BFN
04/08 IVF#1 Lupron flare w/o BCP, Lupron+Bravelle+Repronex, 7 follies but only 1 matures +IUI=BFN
05/08 Break from injectibles: Femara + IUI = BFN
06/08 Break from injectibles: Femara + 1 follicle + IUI = BFN
07/08 6th injectibles: high dose gonal F: 1 follicle +IUI =BFN
08/08 IVF#2 with low dose repronex only: Surprise 3 follies, 15, 19, 21. 1 egg retrieved fertilized and Grade 1 8 cell transfered aug 19=BFN
BREAK of 6 months turned to 8: took accupuncture, lost 30 pounds, added exercise, turned 41, Day 3 FSH down from average 7 to 4, worked on marriage relationship strained from dealing with IF
05/09 IVF #3 Gonal F and menopur. 5 Follicles but none mature. Cycle canceled.
07/09 IVF #4 Known DE cycle, 10 follicles, 1 sad egg, no fertilization. WT*?
08/09 Started taking DHEA (why didn't I know of this before?)
01/10 IVF #5: Convert monitoring cycle to natural cycle IVF due to 2 mature follicles being observed on ultrasound
01/10 1 grade 1, 8 cell embryo transferred. BFN
04/10 Estrogen Priming Cycle was cancelled for some reason I forget. known DE planned
08/10 IVF #6 Estrogen Priming Cycle with massive doses of FSH = nothing = cycle canceled and told to go away.
09/10 Waiting for Known DE cycle with younger donor
12/10 Known DE backs out
02/11 IVF #7. 2 embryos, both transferred. HPT+ 8dp3dt!!!, Beta #1 14dp3dt 278, Beta #2 16dp3dt 604, Beta #3 18dp3dt 1158 (not quite doubled...), first ultrasound--> TWINS!! March 25 only one slow heartbeat. April 2 no growth, slow heartbeat, April 6 no heartbeats--miscarriage at 9 weeks. D&C.
7/11 FET #1 BFN
9/11 IVF #8 Sad looking embryos. 4 transferred on day 3. BFN. Advised to move onto surrogacy. d e v a s t a t e d and b r o k e
04/13 Adopted 2 blastocycsts: BFN. Sperm banked before DH treated for cancer..
11/13 Very last attempt. New clinic. DE. Add intralipids and viagra. 9 eggs, 5 mature, 3 fertilized, 1 made it to day 3. no surprise, BFN..
04/14 Second "very last attempt" with 4th DE IVF.
04/05/14 13 eggs eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 7 make it to blast, 2 transferred, 2 frosties, BFP!! First Beta 4/21/14 = 92; Second Beta 4/23/14 = 265; 3rd Beta 4/25 613. May 9 ultrasound, right on track 6 weeks 5 days and hb 113 bpm. .
05/13/14 bleeding. May 14 no heartbeat. May 16 D & C. Are we allowed to say F words on here?

#7 Elana

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Posted 13 January 2010 - 12:59 AM

Hi Sweetheart,

I am no lawyer, but I can't imagine that your wife would have any claim to your baby if you go through with the procedure once you are separated and are using your own eggs with donor sperm. Do check with the lawyer on this forum to make sure though.

I'm sorry for the distress this separation may be causing you, and wish you strength and happiness as you go about rebuilding your life.

Warm Regards,

Elana Sures, M.Ed., RCC
Individual & Relationship Counsellor
Specializing in Infertility