[DesignerBug]

I'm trying to identify what i'm feeling right now as i process the fact that we've consented to do another fresh cycle in January. I'd be delighted if you could take the time to answer my wacky questions.

Thanks

D

[caila]

Hi DB,

I tried to answer your questions, but found I had a really tough time figuring out either what you were trying to figure out, or actually how I felt about each. Not sure which. So here goes a verbose version ... hope it covers some of what you were looking for.

We did 5 rounds of IUI with Chlomid - before they discovered that my only fallopian tube is crushed in the middle, so that was a complete waste of time, effort and emotional ups and downs. It was logistically the easiest, because pills are simple to take and we could do the IUI procedure at a clinic that is literally just down the street from us. Hopes were high for the first one or two rounds, and then I think it became more of a procedure -- just following the steps and hoping for the best -- but much more realistically than the first couple rounds. Emotionally - it was still a rollercoaster come that last week though -- trying to interpret every "symptom" as being a good sign; trying to ignore or reason away the bad symptoms that told me that AF was on her way, yet again. Each delayed AF prolonged the nightmare and brought out the HPTs by the boxload ... and each negative result was not trusted, hoping against all logic that we still had a chance.

IVF #1 (Nov 2007) felt like a whole new ballgame. Hopes were high. Very high. In our particular case, we had conceived naturally in 2002 - through some miracle or another - so I think I assumed/hoped that this would be very easy for us. We "must" be very fertile since the first conception was SO easy, so as long as we get the egg to the sperm, we'd be golden, right? Wrong. But I didn't yet understand that. So yes, our hopes were high and for the most part it was pretty easy for me -- no issues with injections, things grew nicely and then we were traveling to the coast for the procedures. The whole thing was new and exciting, so we just went with it ... thinking positive, following instructions, following all the steps and learning little things along the way. Everything went smooth - we were even a little ahead of schedule, ended up with two nice embryos for transfer and all was well. My TWW was long, but for the most part I did nothing. Lay on the couch and thought good thoughts. Everything was still good, until 2 days before my BETA. I got my early warning signal that AF would arrive within 2 days. I think in my head I knew the truth, but my heart tried to ignore it, explain it away. But no, she arrived on the morning of my BETA. To say I was crushed doesn't even begin to cover it. So imagine my surprise and elation when the clinic then called to tell me it was positive. I knew, though, that something wasn't right, because I KNEW that I was having a period, not bleeding for any other reason. But two days passed with hopes raised again, only to crash again with the news that my second BETA was negative - it had been a chemical pregnancy.

IVF #2 (Feb 2008). I knew as soon as we got the bad news, that we would be trying again, and IVF #2 was booked for as soon as possible. Meds arrived again, and we were off down that now familiar road once again. But this time, it was like going through the motions. The concept that this might not ever work was now a distinct possibility. Having to travel BACK to the coast, again, was another burden - husband had to miss more work, daughter had to miss more playschool, all the bills were adding up and up and up ... This time, I didn't respond as well physically. Though I was on the same protocol, it took several extra days to get where we needed to be, and the number of follicles was down ... as was our number and quality of eggs retrieved. In the end, we had only one okay quality embryo to transfer and things were looking pretty bleak. The TWW passed, trying to be hopeful ... but it was much harder this time. And a few days before my BETA, AF arrived and we were back at square one again.

A few days later we had our post-failure phone consult with the clinic, and they had no recommendations for a change in procedure. And that is when I started looking elsewhere. I got in contact with a new doctor at a new clinic and he was amazing. He offered another protocol as an option for us and explained why he thought it would be beneficial. He gave us other recommendations, such as diet changes for me and a list of vitamins for my husband to take to improve the quality of things on his side. In short -- he gave us hope and a fresh outlook, and once again our hopes were high. Very high. He also let US pick our time for treatment, so we were able to plan it for a time that worked well for us.

IVF #3 (June 2008) was very hopeful yet again. Like my previous attempts, the injections, ultrasounds, etc were fine, and both ER and ET were fine in terms of physical pain/discomfort. This was the biggest change in terms of approach though, because the protocol was new, the prep ahead of time for both me and DH was different and the clinic itself just had a whole different feel to it. More relaxed, more open to the concept of a whole body treatment (acupuncture, massage, relaxation CDs, emptying your bladder 10 min after transfer so you can relax in comfort for 45 minutes). We ended up with 4 excellent quality embryos for transfer, and after much consideration (by us and the doctors) we elected to put them all back in. This would be our last shot at IVF, so we wanted to maximize the odds -- but we did so knowing all of our options. The TWW for this one was the hardest, because my hopes were so high again - partly due to the new clinic/doctor and partly (I think) because I knew there were four in there! Each day passed with me looking for signs of AF. And near the end, I was SURE she was coming due to some cramping, but I hadn't had my usual warning sign, so I was cautiously optimistic. And then we got our BFP. And our numbers went up and up. And finally it began to sink in that we had gotten our miracle. We just had to wait a while to find out exactly how big that miracle might be! I think my DH was pretty nervous about the possibility of multiples, but I was sure it was only one -- and it is. :-)

So each one was hard emotionally, but sometimes for different reasons. Transitioning from IUI to IVF was pretty easy, because the hope was there that maybe THIS would be the key to solving the whole problem. Going from IVF #1 to #2 was hard because reality was a known commodity. Going from #2 to #3 would have been hard too, except that we had new reason to have renewed hope and faith. Physically I was lucky for all of my procedures, because they were not too uncomfortable and I had no complications or other issues. Logistically, having to travel for IVF makes it a much harder experience than driving down the street for IUI - I think IVF would have been much, much simpler/less stressful/less of a huge undertaking if we had been able to be treated in our home town.

Don't know if that helps at all, but there you go. :-)

[DesignerBug]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm delighted that it was a happy ending.

D