Sat, 26 Apr 2008 15:43:35 -0700 mail@ivf.ca (IVF.ca Forums) IP.Blog 60
All the nurses gathered around me when they brought me back to ask how I was doing and to tell me how great I looked. I told them I went ahead with my jazzercise certification and that I had lost all the baby weight plus a few more.

So Dr. T came in and we talked a few mins. I told him that I had 2 periods in Oct 18 days apart. He said to keep a check on it and start writing it down. He said it wasnt good to be having 2 periods a month and I agree 100%!! So, Im going to write it down. He re-papped me and said that if it came back clear then he would re-pap me again in 6 months and if that came back ok I could go back to yearly. He said if it came back bad again he would have to do that special exam that he did back in Jan when I was preg and then take it from there and decide whether or not a biopsy would need to be done.

So, now is just a waiting game. We are not preventing pregnancy. I feel like I have bounced back some now and able to cope a little better now. Honestly, I dont think I will be getttin preg again. It was prob around this time last year that I became pregnant.

DH seems to have settled down a bit. There is one song that comes on the radio quite often when we are riding together and I will glance over at him and he will be crying. I asked him about it and he said that that song was playin on the radio the day we drove home from the medical mall after finding out that we had lost Baby G. It tears me up to see him cry. The room that wouldve been the babys room is still empty. I havent unsubscribed from the babycenters website and I get updates and info. This weeks title was "YOUR 2-MONTH OLD". Im not quite sure why I havent unsubscribed from it. I dont even read them. I delete them, but I do see the title. I will probably not unsubscribe from it...at least for now. I guess it helps me to feel connected.

My little jazzercise class is doing well. Ive had like 3 new sign ups and a couple of class passes and Ive got 3 new ladies on their free week!! Im so excited. I had 16 people Monday night!! I am still learning something new every time I get up that stage to teach!!

Thats about all for me right now.]]> Fri, 09 Nov 2007 10:59:14 -0800
DH and I worked together this morning to get the housework caught up. It was nice to have him help. He always does such a great job. I told him too and I thanked him. We had a bit of a talk today too. He said he was starting to work towards accepting the possibility that we may not have children. I asked him if he was feeling better and he said yes a little bit.

Its still really hard. Tryin to move on from such a tragic and sad loss like this. Everyone else wants you to be "ok" and you are just not gonna be ok for a long time. Hell, I dont know if I will ever be ok. I feel like such a fake. Im glad when I can be at home so I can just be myself and not fake to anyone.

Everything else is moving right along. Jobs and such...my classes are doing fairly well-learning new routines keeps me very busy. I have somewhat of a regular schedule now. Sometimes I stray away from my schedule but not often. I am back on the zoloft as of this past Friday. Might be PMS but I have to have something to take the edge off that very strong urge to cry and not quit.

Much love to everyone out there

]]> Sun, 07 Oct 2007 14:48:44 -0700
I did a jazzercise demonstration at church last Thursday night. Several ladies shared their talents. One very young girl who Ive taught in Sunday School when she was 13 got up at the end. She has a 9 month old and is very preg with number 2 and not even 20 yet. Anway, she got up and shared that she had been in dance and blah blah blah (she always rambles like an idiot when she talks) and I thought to myself "BITCH, YOUR DANCE DAYS ARE OVER NOW". It just makes me so sick. I try to act like it doesnt bother me, but it really does. She got preg out of wedlock the first time and is now on number 2 and here I am with none!!! One of my other girls that I taught in sunday school when she was 15 just gave birth to her first last week and here I am almost 40 and still have no living children.

I am so angry with Heavenly Father. I have been acting out in inappropriate ways. I guess I call myself gettin back at Him for takin my baby away from me. I am still hurting so bad. Baby G would have been 3 weeks old by now. I am thoughts that I was not prepared to have. Like, I should be on maternity leave now and not worrying about work and stuff like that. I should be holding and nursing my son. DH and I should be happy with our son instead of grievin his loss and trying to find a new norm-if there is one.

2 babies were blessed last sunday and it about tore my heart out. All I could think was that my son should be getting blessed as well. My sobs got to be a little loud so I have to remove myself from the chapel. I went out. Later on, my dear friend brought me my stuff and told me that I could go home if I wanted to and that she would find someone to take my class. i told her NO, I wasnt going to go home, the only way I am going to be able to work thru it is to keep exposing myself to it no matter how much it hurt.

I never thought I would hurt on the inside this bad. My heart aches every day for my son. I will be forever changed and there will always be a sadness inside that will never be erased. I smile on the outside but on the inside I am falling apart. Everyone thinks I have moved on, but I havent.

My dh wont even talk about it anymore. My mother continues to ask me when I am going to get on clomid again. I want to scream at the top of my lungs at her "NEVER, YOU STUPID, IDIOT" "DO YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID YOU SOUND, WHEN YOU SAY THAT".

Thank you for these blogs. A place where you can sort your feelings out and put them in text.]]> Mon, 10 Sep 2007 13:01:54 -0700
Today I woke up kinda early because I had to go the bathroom. I had a screaming headache, so I took something. I sat down and drank a glass of milk and started crying and couldnt stop!!

I finally just went back to bed and curled up with DH who cried and held me until I was asleep again.

]]> Sun, 19 Aug 2007 13:29:45 -0700
I feel sad for Casey-I just read her latest entries. I feel sad for all of us who are childless and want children so bad or have lost children. Its so unfair. Its so cruel.

I managed to get back to church. After a long chat with my bishop, he counseled me to come back. Ive managed to do that for the last 2 sundays but it is very difficult seeing girls that I taught in sunday school when they were 15 (7years ago) and some of them are working on #2 or #3 and I still have none. Its like a knife to the heart.

My classes are going very well and I am enjoying teaching more and more. I have video eval to do in the next week or so and send off and it will be interesting to get the results.

]]> Fri, 17 Aug 2007 11:45:50 -0700
My dh seems to be doing a little better. Im not sure how he will be on August 18. I want him to remember but I dont want to remind him. I hope to God, he remembers. Its about 3 weeks away now.

]]> Wed, 25 Jul 2007 10:21:55 -0700
I have been keepin busy teachin my class. I taught by myself for the first time with no help or instructor there to help out if I got into trouble. Ill be taping myself in the next couple of weeks. Ive managed to get off 15 of the 20lbs that I gained.

Seems like everyone it preg at chuch. It is REALLY hard. I try to concentrate on myself.

Now that I got the first part of "Plan A" which became "Plan B" which is back to being "Plan A" done, Ill concentrate on the other part which is to try and have some plastic surgery on my stomach. I think insurance will cover since I have a herniated disc in my back but Id really like to try and lose about 20lbs plus I need to save up time from work. Ill be lookin into this in the the next few months.

I cant believe its middle of July already!!! Almost the end!! It is going by way too fast.]]> Thu, 19 Jul 2007 13:17:15 -0700
Dr. T. redid my pap back on May 3 and it came back clear. He was really suprised. Apparently the dysplasia was really severe. He will re-pap me in November. Genetics came back clear on Baby G the only thing it confirmed was that he was male but we already knew that because we saw him. I would be 32 weeks preg now with 8 more to go. Sad, very sad!! This loss has really changed me. I find myself tryin to ignore it alot and pretend that it didnt happen, but it did happen. I am so glad I have his pictures. I got a locket made with his name and bday on the back and copies of his tiny handprints inside.

I decided that I would try and go back and pursue my jazzercise certification. My audition is this weekend. It has been really really tough trying to focus and concentrate. It could go either way. I could pass and be teaching as early as July or I could not pass and take a break for a while before trying again. Im not so sure it was such a good idea to push this. DH has been very supportive with it though.

My first period after losing the baby was wicked wicked wicked!! I think I was in the doc office 3 times that week. The next one after that came right on time like it was supposed too. I guess that is good. Ive always been very regular. Just like clock work.

Work still sucks!]]> Mon, 25 Jun 2007 10:49:00 -0700
I took the handprints to Mason Jewelers. They are a little pricey for me, but I wanted someplace quiet that would give me one on one attention with out any distractions. I did find a perfect 14k gold locket. Very plain and simple. I think the handprints will fit just fine. I am going to have Baby G's initials engraved on the front along with his bday. I want to go ahead and get it so I will have it for Mothers Day. The lady at the jewelry store was alright. She was nice but I got the sense that she wanted me to hurry and be gone. I am going to buy the locket and a 20 inch gold chain. The locket comes with a 16 inch chain but I want a little bit longer than that.

I went back to church yesterday too. I havent been in 3 weeks. I am so confused with my feelings these days. I am so angry at Heavenly Father and really I feel like a hypocrite being in church and being this angry. I arrived early and sat in the parking lot for awhile. I was trembling and I almost just left. My mom and sister were waiting on me. I saw a bunch of ladies and the ones I actually talked to hugged me and told me they were sorry and that they loved me. One lady even told me that I was her hero!! How in the hell can I be a hero?? Another lady told me that she admired me and that she thought I was strong and brave. I sure dont feel strong or brave. My sister and my mom stayed for Sacrament meeting with me. I sat between my mom and my sister. It was very comforting actually. I felt safe and protected. I cried during the service and when the choir sang. I really think I was cryin because I felt guilty for being so angry. We left after Sacrament. On my way out, I ran into a very very dear friend. She asked me if I got the blanket and hat that she made. I said yes and thanked her. She was one of the first people I called when we found out we had lost baby G. When I got home from hospital and told her it was a boy she wanted to make the blanket and hat. I told her please do!! Anyway, at church I hugged her and I was crying. She told me that it was a very spiritual experience for her to make that blanket. She said she felt the Lords hands guiding her work. She thanked me for allowin her to make the blanket. I just hugged her and cried and told her thank you so much.

I put most of the cards I got in sheet protectors and into a binder. Of course, I didnt get a big enough binder, so Im going to have to start another one. Its ok because, I am going to print out the email updates that I was sendin out every wednesday and I had started takin weekly belly pics too. Im going to put the belly pics with the email updates and put those in the other binder. Along with someeveryones email responses. I also have some poems and quotes Im going to put in there too. I saved flowers from each of the arrangements we got and they are dried and ready to be put with my paw paws dried rose petals that I took off his casket when he died. Baby G was named after both of his great grandfathers. My grandfather and my DH grandfather was named George.

I bought a large plastic bin and going to put away the few maternity clothes that I had along with the other stuff. Then I am going to put the bin into the empty room. DH and I will be able to go into that room whenever we need too and have private time with the few memories we have of our son.

We are still plannin on attendin the greif support group which will meet this Thursday. I still wear my little gold baby feet pin every day!!]]> Mon, 09 Apr 2007 20:58:49 -0700
I finally broke on down and went to see a counselor. It didnt work out. Im going to cancel my next appt with her. I did come to 2 conclusions/realizations on my own though from hearing myself talk to her and watchin her facial expressions. The first one was that no amount of counselin in the world is goin to change what I have been thru and no counselin is goin to bring Baby G back to me! He is gone!!! No one can bring him back!!! Just watchin her face as I was tellin her my story told me that she was not goin to be able to help me. Yes, its a very very sad story and Im sure she is very sorry for what happened, but can she change it? NO!! NOBODY CAN!! The second thing we talked about was medication. I realized that for the better part of the last 3 years I have pretty much been medication free. I thought, Ok...what have I been doin for the last 3 years. Well, I have been jazzercisin my ass off, thats what!! The exercise helped to manage my stress level and keep the depression away as well. So, the second thing I realized was that if I am not going to be on medication then I NEED to get back to my exercise routine!!!!

DH and I are plannin on attendin the grief support group next Thursday at the hospital.

I had follow-up with my OB on Tuesday. It went ok. He checked me out and said everything looked good. He said for me to be expectin a period very soon. I am kinda feelin crampy so Im sure it is right around the corner. He said that if I havent had a period in the next couple of week that I should take a hpt!! He said that he would really like for me to have a period before we start "trying" again. I just said Dr. T. we dont "try" anymore. We quit "trying" a long time ago. We just "dont prevent". That is just our way of lookin at it. Anyway, he showed me an article about a study that was done on women with elevated AFP levels. He said that while elevated AFP levels are usually an indicator of severe birth defects they can also be an idicator that something will go wrong with the pregnancy. That something is wrong not necessarily with the baby but with the "mother-placenta connection". He said that we both knew there was nothing physically wrong with the baby. We both inspected him. There was nothing wrong that looked like birth defects as far as either one of could tell. The probs that he saw said were most likely from the trauma of delivery. I think he was just tryin to prepare me to have no definitive answers from genetics. Then we talked about the pre-cancer cells that he found on my first pap. He is going to re do the pap on May 3 and if it comes back bad again then he will have to do the biopsy and we will just have to take it from there.

]]> Thu, 05 Apr 2007 10:07:31 -0700