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Ready to share!

Posted by amazing grace , 10 June 2015 · 2,877 views

I am finally ready to share my story with all of you and the one thing I wish for is that all you gain some hope from my experience. I do not wish for pity but wish for the inspiration to move forward. After three miscarriages and a failed IVF, switching my American clinic and gaining new perspectives at a Toronto clinic, I finally conceived in March through donor eggs. My transfer was March 2 and that would have put me at almost 17 weeks today. Everything was going great, except for the low but rising beta's. I was ready to call it quits but at my 7 week ultrasound, it was confirmed, I was pregnant and the little heart was beating up a storm. Everything went smooth, spotting here and there but it was discovered that it was a hematoma. My husband and I were so happy and excited and could not wait for the baby! I was monitored closely and had a second ultrasound at 9 weeks, still perfect, baby measuring on track and with a very strong heartbeat, Mother's Day came and went and believe me, I was so excited to think that finally I am a mom. The day was low key and deep down I was excited that next year, I would be fully a mom. I will not bore you with all the details that are entrenched in my mind but at my 12 week ultrasound, one day after Mother's Day, it was confirmed that my baby's brain was not developing properly, medical terms-abnormal head structure. You must be wondering what happened next..............total devastation, fear, anger, self pity, questions, doubts, hope, lost, confused, anxious, every feeling you can think of I experienced. The worst, telling my poor husband...in fact I worried about him and his feelings more than mine. My doctor decided to wait until 14 weeks to be sure, and again confirmed and second opinion provided. It was then that I had to make the choice to terminate my pregnancy. At 15 weeks on June 30th, I said goodbye to my beautiful, most wanted and ever loved baby. My D/C was scheduled quickly and I thank my RE for not making me have time to think about it. It was scheduled and within a few hours of scheduling I was in for the first part of the procedure.
     Today, almost two weeks later, I still think about my baby everyday and look at his/her pictures, yes I could not ask the gender but feel in my heart it was a boy. I placed them in a beautiful box with a robin on it because for the whole moment throughout my pregnancy and before confirmation, a robin always perched itself on my backyard fence just waiting and watching. Today, it is still around but not as visible...........a spirit of a loved one maybe or just my Guardian Angel. Whatever the robin symbolizes, I know I am being protected. My emotions are still raw and I wonder if this could have been prevented if I had taken folic acid or pre-natals early on. I did not begin until my 9 week of pregnancy. The name of the condition has not been confirmed as I am still waiting for genetic testing from Credit Valley Hospital but I think it may be anecephaly. The day I called to let them know that my baby would be arriving to be tested, the girl who answered the phone said her name was "Angel", I laughed and thought she was joking, apparently not. Another sign that I am protected. However, the protection could not protect my broken heart and for what ever reason, this had to happen. Experiences that make us who we are today but somewhat break our will to continue. I wonder and ask why this had to happen, the three miscarriages taught me valuable lessons, but what lesson do I need to learn from this, I often ask myself? Mornings for me are hard, I barely see a reason to get out of bed, it is difficult that all my symptoms faded with all my hope and I can fit into all my clothes. I guess this is what makes it even harder. I look at life and marvel at all the beauty around but then I think of my experiences and the experiences of others who so dearly cry for a child. Yes, life can be cruel and it can be unforgiving but this is the life we have to live so I ask....how do we continue and fight on? My baby is in heaven and I know that I will hear him/her whisper when the wind blows softly, I will feel him/her when the rain falls softly on my head and I will believe again when a butterfly flutters by that maybe one day he/she will come back to me and allow me to experience motherhood again. I thank God for the experience even if it was short lived. I believe that God has a plan and I cannot be angry with him nor argue with him. It is his will, I learned that quickly and whatever it is that he wants, it shall be. All I can do is feel grateful that we live in these times where I am able to conceive and for having conceived. I am grateful for having my baby even if it was for a short while.

  • Victoria, Tanyamaree, Cristine and 2 others like this



I am so sorry for your loss. You loved your child as a mother and your heart will always be larger for having that love. Please be kind to yourself and find comfort in those who love you.
    • gibasgirl and CdnHockeyGal like this
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smurfette_w
Jun 10 2015 11:12 AM

I am very very sorry for your loss.  It's normal to start questioning if you had done something wrong but please don't think this is your fault.  Sending you and your family positive thoughts during this difficult time.

    • gibasgirl, MB. and CdnHockeyGal like this

That was deeply moving.

 

Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us. Sending good thoughts your way, Amazing Grace. 

    • allcriedout, MB., smurfette_w and 1 other like this
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CdnHockeyGal
Jun 10 2015 01:12 PM

AmazingGrace - how sweet the sound.  ((hugs))  

 

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear

The hour I first believed

 

So beautifully written.  I'm crying along with you.  Sending you so much love.  There is nothing you've done wrong and so much you've done right.

 

All my love,

CHG

    • allcriedout, Victoria, gibasgirl and 2 others like this
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amazing grace
Jun 10 2015 01:30 PM

Thank you so much for all your beautiful words!

    • Victoria, gibasgirl and CdnHockeyGal like this

I am so sorry for your loss. If you need anything please reach out.

    • Victoria, gibasgirl and CdnHockeyGal like this
((((Amazing grace)))) life is so incredibly unfair. Your beautiful blog has moved me to tears. I echo above as I truly don't think if you would have taken vitamins earlier it would have made a difference. I am sending much love and strength your way to get thru this time. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for both you and dh. Please know we are all here to support you in any way we can xxxx
    • Victoria, gibasgirl and CdnHockeyGal like this
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ilovemydogs
Jun 10 2015 06:49 PM
I am very sorry for your loss. Your faith in this trying time is truly inspiring.
    • Victoria, gibasgirl and CdnHockeyGal like this
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abundant love
Jun 10 2015 07:57 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss, Amazing Grace. I do believe that writing about it and sharing is brave and healing, and certainly creates a kind of strength among this whole community. I hope you can know in your heart that you did nothing to cause this. Sending you love and hugs.
    • Victoria, gibasgirl and CdnHockeyGal like this
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allcriedout
Jun 10 2015 10:29 PM

I am so sorry to read/hear about your loss. Sometimes life can be so cruel and unfair. Wishing you much strength for the days ahead while you and dh heal from this tragedy.

 

Love and ((HUGS)),

ACO

xo

    • gibasgirl and CdnHockeyGal like this
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amazing grace
Jun 11 2015 07:20 AM

Thank you everyone for all your support and kind words.

    • allcriedout and gibasgirl like this
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annebananamarie
Jun 11 2015 12:24 PM

So sorry for your loss. Be well.

    • gibasgirl likes this

I am very sad to hear about your loss. My prayers go out to you and your DH, for healing, peace in your hearts, and continued faith in God's perfect plan for your lives. 

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Loveandhope
Jun 12 2015 01:15 AM

It takes great courage to be able to share your story, thank you so much for sharing. I am very sorry for what you have experienced and all of the loss and emotions you are suffering at this time, and forever. May every sunrise hold more promise, and every moonrise hold more peace to you and your family. Prayers to you..

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amazing grace
Jun 12 2015 07:44 AM

Thank you so much, with every ounce of support recieved, we grow in determination and strength!

    • Victoria likes this

amazing grace - I'm in tears and my heart aches for your loss. I wish you comfort and healing and very much hope that the family that you long for will come true in the near future.

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amazing grace
Jun 12 2015 12:52 PM

Thank you Orchid, I still have hope!

    • MB. and orchid like this

Thank you for sharing. That's an amazing journey and I am happy for your strength and perspective.  Thinking of you and your family!

I am so very sorry for your loss. xo
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amazing grace
Jun 16 2015 11:17 AM

Thank you so much for reading my story. Your encouragement and kind words mean the world.

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