Wrapping up 2014

I know it has been a while since I posted but have decided to read posts but not provide feedback. I do though want to congratulate all those ladies who have been successful and are currently pregnant. To those who are still trying, like me, I want to wish you strength, patience and an abundance of love.
As 2014, comes to an end, I have taken some time to reflect on this past year and look deeply into my own life and persona. I began to realize that I was bitter, consumed with anger and most of all feeling blah about myself. I did begin to work on those feelings and found great comfort in acknowledging that I was not who I truly am. Therefore, the transformation began. I started to better myself not on the outside but on the inside by reading books that made a difference. One such book is The Secret. I heard a lot about it and decided to give it a chance. Wow has it ever helped. I also have a dear friend who is so helpful in many ways and I turn to her for support. A great person on this forum sent me an IVF meditation cd which I listen to every night and that too has given me hope and encouragement. As well, I began to look at life as beautiful again. It is true what they say....negative attracts negative and  I don't want to be like that any longer. Regardless of my situation and I am sure that some of you right now are saying,,,,,'please spare me the whole song and dance about positive thinking', but let me tell you it makes a world of difference. For me, I was tired of all the nonsense associated with infertility, vitamins, acupuncture, food intake, sleep patterns, stress hinders, stress triggers, oh my it never ends. I was to say the least overwhelmed, because let's face it, people in third world countries get pregnant all the time, so what the heck is wrong with me? I just did not get it, how is it that they can orbit space, let humans walk the moon, yet they can't seem to get me right. I began blaming me and my body. Then one day, after the much needed reflection, reality sunk in. I stopped feeling horrible about myself. See it is one thing to give great advice and feedback on this forum but it is another to not like yourself. As 2014 comes to an end, I have to say that regardless of whether or not it is my time, I know that I am emotionally, physically and spiritually ready to bring a life into this world. I realized that this was a road that I had to travel for some reason. Maybe some of you are not believers but I believe that our paths are chosen for us and that regardless of whether or not we approve of them, we are destined to travel those paths and work towards our end goal. I am not sure where this road will lead me but I do know that as of yet I have not given up. Who knows, it could be that three years ago, I was not ready for motherhood and me not being successful was actually a blessing. That I will never know but I do know that I feel much differently today than I did three years ago. Today even without success, I am so much happier than I was when I first started this journey. I still think about my last transfers of course they are hard to forget but I was finally ready to let go of all the baggage that came with them. Last week was the first time I was able to look at all the forms, donor profiles, embryo pictures etc and finally shred them, that's right, I shredded them and never felt bad. It was time to get rid of the negative energy and bring positive energy back into my life. I also said goodbye to an individual who I thought was my friend for 10 years but realized she was nothing more than a bitter, negative individual who instead of seeing good in people she saw the worst. I realized most importantly that I want to love life, bring happiness to those I am around, even if just with a smile, and do good for this universe. What I put out, I hope to get back from life. For me, it was not just about taking care of my body but also about taking care of my mind and my emotional state. Since I have become happier and more positive, people want to be around me, I get asked to lunch, people want to talk to me and people want to laugh with me. A smile goes a long way and can brighten even the darkest days, and that is what I am about now. No more, grumpy, feeling sorry for myself, dwelling on the what if's and no more gloomy, dark, face encounters. Every morning I wake up, and say to myself, 'I am happy, I am healthy, I am strong and I am at peace'. I promise you that I have never felt those things in the past three years until now. For those of you who are going to appreciate this, I hope my words enlighten you and for those of you who will find fault in this, I hope you find your way.