In 2003 when we decided "we'd chance" getting pregnant we would have never in a million years guessed what lay ahead. In fact, it's likely a good thing that we didn't know what was to come, as I'm pretty sure it would have been enough to just walk away without even trying.
The nearly 6 years it took us to conceive gave us a lot more than just a hole in the bank account, new enhanced coping skills and an unusual collection of fertility and science facts that would rival most med students.
Yes, while it gave, it took a lot too. A whole damn lot that we'll never get back. I prefer not to visit those thoughts much and focus on where we are today.
It seems that February 2016 is stirring up a lot of old memories and grazing a few formerly settled nerves. A few scares are aching and there is this echo from the past.
January 2009 our 2nd and would be final IVF began. No matter the outcome, I knew that this was it. By February we were pregnant. It had worked. It's been 7 years since that cycle that brought us so much joy and introduced a whole new collection of challenges. From high risk pregnancy challenges to coming to terms with the emotional reality of life after infertility.
Two years later we once again found ourselves pregnant. This time "spontaneously". As in big fat giant ass surprise. Once again, emotional game changer. But never would we have guessed that February 25th, 2011 that pregnancy would go to shit and after 6 days of bedrest (as in not even allowed to sit up all the way or get out of bed) that this little angel would find his way back to our hearts, but never to our arms as he was born sleeping at 20 weeks gestation.
Another two years passed. This time, another surprise. Due February 1st we defied the odds and all was well.... Well, until he decided to arrive the end of December. No biggie.
This time it's been 3 years... no more pregnancies. The factory is closed. Instead this year we have some closure in some way. Our sleeping angel would be 5 years old in a couple days. His little brother is a crazy 3 year old and his big sister is an amazing 6 year old. This year we took another step to closing this chapter in our lives and donated our remaining embryo's.
We've spent the past 7 years paying for their storage knowing we'd likely never use them ourselves. But we paid year after year. I'm not sure what changed this year, but it changed. We were finally ready to release them and give back to our community in a simple way through science.
It was a personal choice and one that was not made on a whim. It's funny how things change in the life there after fertility treatments. But really, I guess it's just life and it's evolution.
So ya... while I don't come around here much anymore. Know that I often think about all the amazing parents that are out there waiting to meet and hold their beautiful angels. It's not an easy journey, but beyond a shadow of a doubt it's worth it. Worth every tear, every needle, every penny and every sacrifice.
But even when it's a thing of the past, there will always be times when it will still echo.
- Cassandra_Angela, allcriedout, Victoria and 7 others like this