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Could I ride this roller coaster again?

Posted by schprintze , 02 August 2012 · 1,276 views

second child
It's been 8 months since DD was born. We feel so blessed and stare at her everyday in wonder. The physical and emotional trauma of IVF is fading but not totally forgotten.

DH has always been worried about Maxine being spoiled as an only child and at first I wasn't sure if I could have another. Finally at about 3-4 months looked at DH and said "yes I could have another". But having another through IVF.... I don't know. The cost aside (which would of course be a big factor), we both remember how long a journey it was and how it came close to destroying our marriage. We pushed on though and came through stronger than before but I just remember how manic I became. Looking back I don't think I was myself during the IUIs, tests, surgeries and IVF. So tense, so worried.

I go through the fantasy that hey maybe we could get pregnant naturally as some lucky people have after IVF. I've started to loosely keep track of my cycle again and tried to focus our BDing around what I think was my ovulation - no temperature taking or charting, no ovulation sticks just extra sex. But then making myself crazy if we really were bd'ing at the right time. And then two weeks later that awful manic feeling returned. "When is my period due?" "I think I'm late" "No there she is... damn it!" I found I was really hating myself for going through these emotions again.

DD is fantastic, I should be happy, satisfied. One IS enough. We are happier than we have been in such a long time.

An then I think we could adopt too. I'm adopted myself so I'm for it but I caught myself thinking I'm sure we couldn't have a newborn so what age child could we be comfortable with? The most disgusting thought I had was that we don't think we are equipped to handle a child with special needs, but so often those needs don't become apparent until later... and the thoughts continued to spiral down that path. OMG was I looking at adoption as a way to get a designer baby?! With DD we wouldn't have had a choice - if she had or has special needs we are on board and would never turn our backs on her. How could I dare to be selective with our next one!

ARGH! How's this for yo-yo emotions!?

You have articulated so well what many of us go through in our head and heart. I understand and empathize with every single thought, worry and pondering. I'm trying not to get to ahead in my thinking as for so long I haven't allowed myself to think beyond the present moment or possibly, tomorrow. (I just started my second trimester in my first pregnancy.) But I have to admit to thinking ahead, especially when considering big financial things like going on mat leave, needing and assuming we would have moved to a bigger house with an actual yard by now (before we realized we couldn't have kids on our own), and wanting to give our baby a great life and still be able to live decently well ourselves. Of course, that's JUST the financial side of life... which as probably all of us know here, is overridden by the heart's dreams and desires, the emotional.

I know what you mean about the ART process changing you. I feel the same way. I am much more learned now but there are no guarantees for success or emotional stability the next time either. Sounds like you and DH survived and came out better after going through the rough times, and now are united by your sweet baby. (Congratulations, by the way!) I have no doubt that you'd be successful again as a team going through it all again, should you choose to. I was more rattled by how I changed and deflated myself, and pleasantly surprised DH accepted it all and pretty much carried me through it all.

Would be very interested to read a future blog updating on life when your baby is older. Who knows where life will take you and the things that could change? Right now, it all seems wonderful and so sweet to achieve things once you never knew if you could. Live the now and the future will get here in time! :)
Aug 02 2012 10:49 PM
Totally been there and couldn't do it. Tried going back to the clinic a couple times just for blood work and to psych myself up. Fortunately each time I considered it I was able to conceive naturally and completely unexpectedly.

Even with two embryos available, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I finally was in the process of admitting defeat and accepting a family of 3. I think one of my challenges with not returning to the clinic was that I truly felt in my heart that it wasn't meant to be. I was hopeful for a miracle, but didn't expect it. I never knew for sure if there would be more kids in our future, but I knew for sure they would not be via ART.

Follow your heart and if you can, don't rush it.
We are looking at at adoption as well. I was talking to the social worker and I said "this sounds horrible but are not ready to have a child with speacial needs"
She said something that stuck with me, that they are looking to place children that will mesh well with the adoptive parents and it doesn't matter how much money you have but that this adopted child doesn't put your family in financial hardship.

Hearing those words made me feel not as guilty, even though I still feel like the scrum on someones shoe, for saying that. Its more important to know what kind of child you can emotional, finacially handles and that will fit in your family .
I would say that if you are even considering adoption a little bit that you check out an information session through CAS in your area. They give you lots of info. I know you said you were adopted, so you know lots but maybe the social worker can answer some questions that you have.
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and empathy. I was thinking about what I wrote last night and thought it a little strange that I just spit all that out. I laughed because wondering if I was just a rambling fool. But good to see you understood me. I should have known... this forum chock full of some of the nicest and brightest women.

Juliet - congratulations on reaching your second semester! Hope haven't had too many symptoms and are feeling good. Our journey was so unbelievable and special, I hope yours is to and that you enjoy every minute and laugh. We remember vividly milestones like our first trip to the maternity store (talk about a deer in the headlights!), the flatulence! Counting down the weeks and then the "checking-in" at the hospital for the scheduled c-section and chatting with DH in the OR until the room fell silent and Maxine cried for the first time.

DesignerBug - I totally understand how you can't bring yourself to go back to the clinic. I really HATED having to go - even though I loved the staff at the clinic, going month after month, blood test after test and the WAND! UGh. I didn't run into one of the u/s techs who was with me for so many tests a few months ago in a store. I was so excited to show her Max and thank her.

JAllen- Thanks for sharing the social worker's comments. I think in a few more months we'll start exploring that route. Please share your journey if you can.
Aug 07 2012 06:28 PM
I think #1 to #2 is a whole different ballgame than #0 to #1 if that makes any sense. We have a totally different attitude now, basically if it happens spontaneously we'd be thrilled, but we're content with our little one and there will be no ART in our future. All the best with where ever this path takes you.
A lot of time has past since this post. We've still been trying? I started with accupuncture again. In February I went to my obstetrician. I wanted to get a check under the hood to make sure that if we goe the IVF route nothing major is in the way (like the troublesome fibroid last time) that would impede our chances if we were to do IVF. She ordered day3 bloodwork and a full ultrasound. No major road blocks there. We went for a consult to our fertility doctor the same week. He painted a cautious picture and suggested that we do the preliminary bloodwork and semen analysis and once we know those numbers we can have a better idea of our chances. Meanwhile.... I refuse to get too excited BUT..... My period is due today and I haven't had any of my tell tale spotting and am EXHAUSTED! I'm sure it's just late and I've resolved to not test for 2 more days. My mind is going a little nuts - I mean honestly!.... I'm not even officially late and my brain goes directly to being pregnant!? This is what infertility has done to me! I don't want to get DH worked up about it but I needed to let this out somewhere so here it is... I know you ladies will understand. Thanks for listening...

Just re-read my last comment and no big surprise I am not pregnant.  


We had our follow up with Dr. Hannam and my AMH levels are very low (2.1).  He said that the chance of success is very low (based on national averages).  He also said that their lab has never had a successful pregnancy with AMH of 2.  He then also said that the last time they didn't expect me to respond the way I did to the meds and by all rights it shouldn't have worked then.  He said knowing all this, we could try again or not.  The decision is ours.  


We've decided to go for it.  If nothing else at least we can say we tried and we won't be wondering "What if".  


We are also starting down the adoption road as well just to keep our options open.

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