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#2 and complete failure

Posted by angelpoo11 , 03 May 2012 · 691 views

I wanted to keep myself away from googling/blogging/reading anything IVF related during my second cycle. I wanted to keep myself busy, not thinking about the things that could go wrong. Well, the results are in and I didn't even have a chance.

Protocol: Antagonist estrogen priming (exactly the same as #1)
# Days of stimulation: 12
Follicle count before ER: 11 total, 4 above 17mm, the rest around 15-16.
Eggs retrieved: 6
# fertilized with ICSI: 0
No embryos to transfer

I knew it wasn't good news when it was my doctor and not the nurse that called to give me the stats on fertilization. What a hard blow. I was told that my egg quality was very poor and the embryoligist tried injecting them with sperm anyway but none fertilized. My RE may not recommend another cycle for me.

I was a bit numb and speechless at first, then angry. How was this possible? I'm only 27. I was not told that I had egg quality issues in my first cycle. Yes, only 1 egg made it out of the 10 in the first round, but I thought that was just plain bad luck. I felt completely beat down and lost. I was also told during this cycle that I may have a fluid-filled tube (hydrosalphinx) on the left. To add to my list of problems, now I have egg quality issues.What does this all mean? A second opinion? Surgery? Donor eggs? Adoption? Or giving up all together?

This is all so unfair. The typical 27 year-old wouldn't even be anywhere close to encountering the problems I'm faced with. They'd be having fun, partying, or just enjoying life as newlyweds. Not for me, not for us.

I think people don't realize what a big feat it is to be able to have children. Maybe it was because of my age, being diagnosed with endo and infertility didn't beat me down too much at first. I didn't know what this meant and the long road that would be ahead of me. Even people faced with infertility comes to a realization that "oh my god, this is really happening. It really is THAT difficult." The first time you hear your options and the stats about IUI/IVF, it seemed probable, and trying to pregnant just meant sticking yourself with needles and being probed by an ultrasound stick, instead of the normal routine. "I could get used to that," I thought.

What I can't get used to, is losing your baby after you've been tested positive. Being told that I still have a very good chance of getting pregnant and having that all taken away from me in a second. Who knew this would forever be a part of my history?

It'll take me a while to have it all sink in. In the mean time, I've allowed myself to be all gloom and doom. I thought about my grandparents and what it means to get old, having your health fail you little by little, day by day. I spent a week with my grandparents last month and it opened my eyes to living life in retirement. I can't express the bitter-sweetness of the interdependence that my grandparents have between each other, and the self-less love that my aunt and uncle give each day in caring for my grandparents.

What if I didn't have any loved ones? I have no siblings. No cousins within 2000 miles of me. All my loved ones would have passed when I turn 80. What would my life be like when I'm old without children if my husband were to leave this world before me? I can not imagine when the day comes that I would need help just to walk across the street and there would be no one there to help me. Would this be my fate?

Sometimes I'd sit by the window, stare out into the world outside my living room, and watch people walk by. What kind of life are they leading? Do they have family and loved ones? Are they happy? Have they mourn the lost of a loved one? What are their dreams and aspirations? My own life would then feel muted as I wonder about the life of others. Somehow this eases the pain but leaves me empty and lost within my own world, looking out behind glass walls.





Big Hugs. I know there are no words to make you feel better right now, but know that your feelings are normal and I can totally relate. Its so hard when you have no explanation. I am constantly trying to get myself out of the "what my life should be like" mindframe cause i just drive myself mad.
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Heregoesnothing
May 03 2012 04:02 PM
Oye. so sorry to hear your story. You're so right when you say, "Even people faced with infertility comes to a realization that "oh my god, this is really happening. It really is THAT difficult." You took the words right out of my mouth. I can't believe that it has to be this way. Hugs to you and your husband. i hope you find the answers you are looking for.
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heres2hoping
May 04 2012 07:29 AM
yeah...IF completely blows you away...it is so black and white...those who don't have it...really can't even comprehend that feeling of "what if" I never get to have my baby... then there are those who have to suffer it, and it is like a slow train wreck ...you see yourself going through it, but it is shocking and almost unbelievable. I sometimes wonder if it is how someone with cancer reacts..sort of like, "why ME, exactly"...when they first find out. Glad you are getting out your feelings because it REALLY helps you cope. I am sorry this is happening to you.
If there is any saving grace, is that MAYBE, just maybe....what if a different type of protocol would produce better eggs? I don't know enough about that part of it so who knows for sure.. and everyone is different...experiences, reasons, etc.
but no matter what, I hope you get to feeling better and have a good plan B that will give you hope and eventually a baby. For me, plan B always made me feel better..it wasn't over til it was over. Then again, sometimes there are other limitations, too.
((Hug))
It's so devastating to hear that you have poor egg quality. But even though a doc says that, it isn't necessarily the case.

The RE at a clinic in Scotland told me on our very first attempt in 2010 that I needed to look into an egg donor (talk about jumping the gun!). I ended up in the hospital with moderate OHSS and couldn't go through with ET, but all our embryos were fragmented and poor egg quality was his explanation. I had a high AMH and he put me on the wrong protocol entirely, which is why I ended up with OHSS and, after doing some research, is probably part of the reason the eggs were not great.

Anyway, it was so incredibly hard to hear that, but we tried again. We changed clinics, I started acupuncture and began taking COQ10 and fish oil and the doctor put me on an antagonist protocol to avoid OHSS. My egg quality improved so much so that on day 3 we had two "very pretty" embryos (according to the new RE and embryologist) to transfer. One had zero frag and the other less than 5%; both 8 cell. Unfortunately this ended up in a chemical pregnancy, but this RE's opinion is that we are now dealing with male factor infertility--the EXACT OPPOSITE of the other RE's opinion.

It just goes to show that the doctors don't always know! And I did have improvement with making those changes. We've been encouraged to try again.

IF sucks. I feel for you, but like heres2hoping said, perhaps a change in protocol is what you need along with some supplementation? There are lots of success stories out there for women like us who have had to hear those awful three words -- "poor egg quality." Hang in there. :)
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silverdollar
May 04 2012 05:09 PM
I'd also challenge the idea that you have poor egg quality. At 27 there should be some good ones in there even if you have DOR. Perhaps it is worth seeking a second opinion?
sb2010 - I have also been taking coq10 after my first IVF. It didn't seem to help and it's so expensive that I'm not sure if I should keep taking it. The RE recommended me a different form of coq10 that is more absorbable and it's about 100 dollars a month for it.

I'm also questioning my "poor egg quality" but I'm really afraid to think otherwise because I don't want to be disappointed again. I guess I'm just trying to accept the worst possible scenario. My WTF appointment is next Friday and hopefully, my RE will provide me with deeper insight as to what's happening. I am planning to switch clinic for sure though. Thanks for all your warm thoughts!

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