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Infertility, Sisterhood, Respect and Why I left IVF.ca
Posted by
stellabelle
,
21 September 2012
·
687 views
A couple of days ago I made the decision to leave IVF.ca, a site that I loved very much and was a source of strength and information for me for the last 6 years. I’m not leaving out of anger but I think it’s time to move on for me. Yesterday, a much loved member of the site messaged me to let me know that they were leaving as well – she felt alienated for completely different reasons than I did and I spent all night thinking about how sad that was for her and this site to lose her. I feel that before I leave there are some things that I wanted to share about my journey and my decision.
I started my infertility journey 8 years ago…..When we started trying I thought that I would get pregnant on first try! How naïve!!! I even planned months ahead on the date that I was going to conceive! On our Italian Riveria trip. Infertility was my biggest nightmare…..all I ever wanted was to be a mother……that was my life ambition to be a perfect stay at home, Leave it to Beaver mom. Well, things didn’t work out that way. After a year of trying, we had every test done in the world and they couldn’t find out what was wrong. In the next couple years we endured 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs. Finally on the third IVF we were successful.
During my 3rd IVF is where I discovered IVF.ca. I was desperate and had googled “success with day 5 morula transfer” and up came a post from this site which offered hope to me. Over the years, this site has offered a wealth of knowledge from doctors and other IVFers and has been a constant source of support. I always thought that after I was “done” with my journey I would stay on this site to offer the same support and knowledge others had given me.
It took me four years to conceive my child. At the time I thought that those would be the most difficult, saddest years of my life. Little did I know of what was to come…… For the first year after my daughter was born, I was the happiest person in the world (I’m sorry if that’s hard for some people to hear). I felt normal….I know some of you understand that when you are suffering infertility you feel like it is all consuming. Then we started thinking about a second child. Before I conceived all I prayed for was one baby, that’s all I needed. That is why I was so shocked at how sad I felt. I wanted a sibling for my daughter. But I’m going to be honest……..for me having one child did make it easier going through it the second time. It still hurt but the sting was a tad less. I got pregnant. Ecstatic!!! At 9 weeks we went for our ultrasound and there was a great deal of fluid behind the baby’s neck which suggested that there could be a chromosomal issue with the baby. We wouldn’t find out until our 12 week ultrasound when they did the nuchal test, the severity. I was heartbroken and confused. The next few weeks were agonizing and sleepless. When we went for our first trimester screening, we held our breath. The minute I saw the doctors face I knew that the news wasn’t good. Our baby’s heart had stopped beating. Our little one had passed away.
After 6 months, we tried again. We were pregnant again! I was so anxious all through the first trimester. When we went for our first trimester screening I was a nervous wreck and when we found out that the baby was healthy, I cried tears of joy. I was still nervous but we had passed the big hurdle. When I went for our 4 month appointment, we heard his amazing heartbeat and I was overjoyed. The doctor told me that I should stop worrying and enjoy the pregnancy, I was “in the clear”! A week later at 17 weeks, I went to go to the bathroom and all of a sudden felt a bulge in my vagina. My bag of water had passed through my cervix. I was rushed to the hospital and went through the worst experience of my life. The doctors tried everything to save my child. But my water broke and I had to deliver my perfect beautiful baby boy. He was born alive and stayed with us for 25 minutes. It was devastating, the worst pain I had ever endured. There was a time that I didn’t think that I would get past it.
After a lot of sadness, self-reflection and mourning, 9 months later we conceived through a very complicated IVF process we did in the US because of our unique situation. So fast-forward 29 weeks……that’s where I am now. This has been some of the most difficult months of my life. My pregnancy is very high risk. We confirmed during this pregnancy that I have an incompetent cervix. I’ve gone through weekly ultrasounds, a cerclage surgery, bedrest and more anxiety than anyone can imagine. Up to 24 weeks I cried EVERY single day. After reaching 28 weeks (a big milestone) I have relaxed a little but I still am scared everyday that this little boy will join my other son in heaven.
So there is my story. I was a vet before I came to IVF.ca……4 years of infertility, 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs under my belt. Then I became someone with secondary infertility. Then someone who had experienced a first trimester loss and then worst of all I joined the second trimester loss club. I think in terms of the infertility world, I’m pretty well-rounded!
So, now I want to explain why I’m leaving this site. One of the best things about IVF.ca is that there is a broad range of women (and men) on this site. If you look at the headings of the forums……it’s for people who haven’t started IVF yet, people in the midst of IVF, IVF vets, people experiencing secondary infertility, people adopting, women who are pregnant as a result of fertility treatments, moms who are moms to IVF babies and those who have done fertility treatments and have lost babies. It’s an amazing thing to bring all these women together. There are no headings on this site that are highlighted and starred and labeled “priorities”, this is a site that is supposed to be for all of us.
Over the last year, there have been a lot of comments made on threads and status updates that have upset me but the good things of this site always outweighed the bad. What I found difficult with the discussion that went on a few days ago was the judgmental nature of some of the comments. People make assumptions about what people have been through, their feelings and emotions. They put their own pain above others and make assumptions about how their pain is worse than what you are going through. For me personally, the four years before I conceived my daughter were horrible and there was a time that I didn’t think I would ever have a child. But FOR ME that was not the most difficult time of my life…….losing my baby boy at 17 weeks was far worse. The pain was not even a comparison. Yes, I had a living child but no one can imagine the loss I suffered unless they have experienced it. Luckily I had found women on this site who had suffered similar losses and understood. I’m not saying my pain is worse than other people on this site who are going through IVF, I’m saying that everyone’s journey is personal. No one has the monopoly on pain and suffering and it is so unfair to claim it. A month ago, my friend suddenly lost her husband. Absolutely devastating. When I spoke to her I talked to her about my loss but I prefaced it with “I know my loss is in no way as difficult as yours……”. She stopped me and said that it was, that I lost someone I loved too. I was shocked by her compassion and grace in her time of need. Amazing.
Infertility is a sisterhood for me. It is a bond we all have…..whether we have been able to conceive or not at the end of it. Before I was pregnant, my mother used to say to me that when I had children I would back and laugh. NO WAY. I will never forgot what I have been through in the last 8 years and still going through. It is something I will carry for the rest of my life. What I will say is that everything I have been through has made me a stronger, more compassionate, better person.
We IF sisters should be supporting one another through the good and the bad, not polarizing each other into groups of “fertiles” vs “infertiles”, BFN vs BPFs. IVF.ca should be a safe place. A place that people feel like they can say things and not feel judged or bullied or made to feel bad about themselves. We have the outside world for that. That is why I left…….I didn’t feel safe anymore. I was upset that people told me and other members that we were second class citizen on this site when they have no idea what we have been through or how we are feeling. Who has the right to decide the hierarchy of who suffers or is in pain. I don’t want to stay on knowing that every comment I make would be dissected and that I would have to walk on egg shells with any positive or negative update I would make. For the record, I never put up weekly updates of my pregnancy but only big milestones as I was at risk for preterm birth, so I didn’t feel like I was necessarily the target of some people’s comments. I love this site and I have made so many amazing connections and people that I feel so invested in but I think it’s time to move on to a site that addresses my current concerns of pregnancy after late miscarriage and high-risk pregnancy.
So here is one thing I will leave you with and my two cents on a solution so more people don’t leave (a lot of people silently left too) or hurt feelings. If you have a problem with things said in status updates or threads……..bring it up to Rick and the site administrators. I have so much respect for them and it should be up to them to decide what is the right thing to do. It is not up to ANY of us to decide what to censor or what is considered offensive, disrespectful or inappropriate. None of us have ownership over the forums and it is not up to us to make decisions, take it up with those in charge, start a discussion. If they don’t agree, then it is your choice to leave. This site is a privilege, not a right. I think that this would be the best way to avoid conflict, hurt and unhappiness on this site.
Anyway, I wish ALL of you the best of luck and I hope all your dreams come true! I will miss so many of you especially my “loss” friends (I do plan to lurk from time to time, I need to know how you girls are doing!) If there are others who are going through a high risk pregnancy or an incompetent cervix and have a question you can message me, the messages still go to my email so I will answer them even if I’m not checking the site. Be mindful and compassionate towards each other and appreciate the privilege of being on this AMAZING site.
I started my infertility journey 8 years ago…..When we started trying I thought that I would get pregnant on first try! How naïve!!! I even planned months ahead on the date that I was going to conceive! On our Italian Riveria trip. Infertility was my biggest nightmare…..all I ever wanted was to be a mother……that was my life ambition to be a perfect stay at home, Leave it to Beaver mom. Well, things didn’t work out that way. After a year of trying, we had every test done in the world and they couldn’t find out what was wrong. In the next couple years we endured 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs. Finally on the third IVF we were successful.
During my 3rd IVF is where I discovered IVF.ca. I was desperate and had googled “success with day 5 morula transfer” and up came a post from this site which offered hope to me. Over the years, this site has offered a wealth of knowledge from doctors and other IVFers and has been a constant source of support. I always thought that after I was “done” with my journey I would stay on this site to offer the same support and knowledge others had given me.
It took me four years to conceive my child. At the time I thought that those would be the most difficult, saddest years of my life. Little did I know of what was to come…… For the first year after my daughter was born, I was the happiest person in the world (I’m sorry if that’s hard for some people to hear). I felt normal….I know some of you understand that when you are suffering infertility you feel like it is all consuming. Then we started thinking about a second child. Before I conceived all I prayed for was one baby, that’s all I needed. That is why I was so shocked at how sad I felt. I wanted a sibling for my daughter. But I’m going to be honest……..for me having one child did make it easier going through it the second time. It still hurt but the sting was a tad less. I got pregnant. Ecstatic!!! At 9 weeks we went for our ultrasound and there was a great deal of fluid behind the baby’s neck which suggested that there could be a chromosomal issue with the baby. We wouldn’t find out until our 12 week ultrasound when they did the nuchal test, the severity. I was heartbroken and confused. The next few weeks were agonizing and sleepless. When we went for our first trimester screening, we held our breath. The minute I saw the doctors face I knew that the news wasn’t good. Our baby’s heart had stopped beating. Our little one had passed away.
After 6 months, we tried again. We were pregnant again! I was so anxious all through the first trimester. When we went for our first trimester screening I was a nervous wreck and when we found out that the baby was healthy, I cried tears of joy. I was still nervous but we had passed the big hurdle. When I went for our 4 month appointment, we heard his amazing heartbeat and I was overjoyed. The doctor told me that I should stop worrying and enjoy the pregnancy, I was “in the clear”! A week later at 17 weeks, I went to go to the bathroom and all of a sudden felt a bulge in my vagina. My bag of water had passed through my cervix. I was rushed to the hospital and went through the worst experience of my life. The doctors tried everything to save my child. But my water broke and I had to deliver my perfect beautiful baby boy. He was born alive and stayed with us for 25 minutes. It was devastating, the worst pain I had ever endured. There was a time that I didn’t think that I would get past it.
After a lot of sadness, self-reflection and mourning, 9 months later we conceived through a very complicated IVF process we did in the US because of our unique situation. So fast-forward 29 weeks……that’s where I am now. This has been some of the most difficult months of my life. My pregnancy is very high risk. We confirmed during this pregnancy that I have an incompetent cervix. I’ve gone through weekly ultrasounds, a cerclage surgery, bedrest and more anxiety than anyone can imagine. Up to 24 weeks I cried EVERY single day. After reaching 28 weeks (a big milestone) I have relaxed a little but I still am scared everyday that this little boy will join my other son in heaven.
So there is my story. I was a vet before I came to IVF.ca……4 years of infertility, 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs under my belt. Then I became someone with secondary infertility. Then someone who had experienced a first trimester loss and then worst of all I joined the second trimester loss club. I think in terms of the infertility world, I’m pretty well-rounded!
So, now I want to explain why I’m leaving this site. One of the best things about IVF.ca is that there is a broad range of women (and men) on this site. If you look at the headings of the forums……it’s for people who haven’t started IVF yet, people in the midst of IVF, IVF vets, people experiencing secondary infertility, people adopting, women who are pregnant as a result of fertility treatments, moms who are moms to IVF babies and those who have done fertility treatments and have lost babies. It’s an amazing thing to bring all these women together. There are no headings on this site that are highlighted and starred and labeled “priorities”, this is a site that is supposed to be for all of us.
Over the last year, there have been a lot of comments made on threads and status updates that have upset me but the good things of this site always outweighed the bad. What I found difficult with the discussion that went on a few days ago was the judgmental nature of some of the comments. People make assumptions about what people have been through, their feelings and emotions. They put their own pain above others and make assumptions about how their pain is worse than what you are going through. For me personally, the four years before I conceived my daughter were horrible and there was a time that I didn’t think I would ever have a child. But FOR ME that was not the most difficult time of my life…….losing my baby boy at 17 weeks was far worse. The pain was not even a comparison. Yes, I had a living child but no one can imagine the loss I suffered unless they have experienced it. Luckily I had found women on this site who had suffered similar losses and understood. I’m not saying my pain is worse than other people on this site who are going through IVF, I’m saying that everyone’s journey is personal. No one has the monopoly on pain and suffering and it is so unfair to claim it. A month ago, my friend suddenly lost her husband. Absolutely devastating. When I spoke to her I talked to her about my loss but I prefaced it with “I know my loss is in no way as difficult as yours……”. She stopped me and said that it was, that I lost someone I loved too. I was shocked by her compassion and grace in her time of need. Amazing.
Infertility is a sisterhood for me. It is a bond we all have…..whether we have been able to conceive or not at the end of it. Before I was pregnant, my mother used to say to me that when I had children I would back and laugh. NO WAY. I will never forgot what I have been through in the last 8 years and still going through. It is something I will carry for the rest of my life. What I will say is that everything I have been through has made me a stronger, more compassionate, better person.
We IF sisters should be supporting one another through the good and the bad, not polarizing each other into groups of “fertiles” vs “infertiles”, BFN vs BPFs. IVF.ca should be a safe place. A place that people feel like they can say things and not feel judged or bullied or made to feel bad about themselves. We have the outside world for that. That is why I left…….I didn’t feel safe anymore. I was upset that people told me and other members that we were second class citizen on this site when they have no idea what we have been through or how we are feeling. Who has the right to decide the hierarchy of who suffers or is in pain. I don’t want to stay on knowing that every comment I make would be dissected and that I would have to walk on egg shells with any positive or negative update I would make. For the record, I never put up weekly updates of my pregnancy but only big milestones as I was at risk for preterm birth, so I didn’t feel like I was necessarily the target of some people’s comments. I love this site and I have made so many amazing connections and people that I feel so invested in but I think it’s time to move on to a site that addresses my current concerns of pregnancy after late miscarriage and high-risk pregnancy.
So here is one thing I will leave you with and my two cents on a solution so more people don’t leave (a lot of people silently left too) or hurt feelings. If you have a problem with things said in status updates or threads……..bring it up to Rick and the site administrators. I have so much respect for them and it should be up to them to decide what is the right thing to do. It is not up to ANY of us to decide what to censor or what is considered offensive, disrespectful or inappropriate. None of us have ownership over the forums and it is not up to us to make decisions, take it up with those in charge, start a discussion. If they don’t agree, then it is your choice to leave. This site is a privilege, not a right. I think that this would be the best way to avoid conflict, hurt and unhappiness on this site.
Anyway, I wish ALL of you the best of luck and I hope all your dreams come true! I will miss so many of you especially my “loss” friends (I do plan to lurk from time to time, I need to know how you girls are doing!) If there are others who are going through a high risk pregnancy or an incompetent cervix and have a question you can message me, the messages still go to my email so I will answer them even if I’m not checking the site. Be mindful and compassionate towards each other and appreciate the privilege of being on this AMAZING site.
- leigh14, Luckypenny, Zuu and 7 others like this
. we will miss you ;(.
