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how do you keep going....

Posted by wngu , 15 June 2012 · 1,356 views

Here I am again, another dramatic day in my life. I keep on telling myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel but each cycle I get farther away from it. I am hopeless and am sure this is temporary and after a few weeks I will be back to square one trying and struggling and hoping that the end of this nightmare will come soon. I am tired of people telling me to stay strong. I am tired of everyone telling me everything will be okay. I am tired of keeping the faith that wverything will turn out allright when in fact it is not. A year of struggle has gone by and nothing is better. Here is my story again for the tired time. This cycle was our 3rd attempted at having our dreams come true. Of course not including 3 attempts at IUI and 5 months of clomid treatments.
For this cycle everything was picture perfect. My embryos looked much better than the last time and my first betas were in the high 200s. I was very hopeful that this time it would work. Our First ultrasound at 6 weeks was uneventful. Sac and yolk were visible but no heartbeat. Ultrasound showed me a few days behind. I was happy that at least there was a sac. Three days later I started to bleed heavily and franticly called my RE to see what I need to do. HE asked me to go to his office as soon as possible. 2nd ultrasound at 6weeks and 3 days showed a sac, a yoke and a heartbeat. I was in tears. My paradise was taken away in a few seconds later. RE informed me that the heartbeat was weak and the chance of another M/C is 50/50 and to come back in 5 days.
For 5 days I prayed and wished and hoped that everything will be ok and all of this nightmare will be over. But it was not over. Today ultrasound should very slow growth. Heart is still beating but too small to detect. My chances are down to 10%. Here is another agonizing week of waiting and hanging on to the 10% chance. But is it fair to put myself through that? I am in the cross road to give up on this embryo that is still beating to ease my pains and come to closure or give it all I have that maybe 10% is all he needs to survive. If this is going to end no matter what why am I put trough all this pain? Is it enough what we have gone trough to have this added to the pot? Have not taken enough punches?
I wish I could say I am doing well. I wish I could say I am strong and will get over this but I am not………

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You've been through so much already. Hoping that your little one can hang on and grow strong and healthy for you. In the meantime, you don't need to remain strong, its okay to let go, cry and scream and do whatever you need to do to get through this difficult time. I hope someone is there to give you a much needed hug.
My heart is breaking for you. I agree with tjluvbug, you don't need to be strong but I wouldn't give up hope. By you even writing this message, shows that you are strong. My thoughts are with you.

take care

I forgot to answer your question! How do you keep going on... well, there are lots of people out there who truely can't have kids and they have been told so by the doctors. You're not in this situation. Also, some days will feel better than others. I would just write today off and maybe you'll feel better in the morning. Tomorrow is a brand new day Posted Image Hang in there girl.
Jun 15 2012 06:29 PM
I remember what you are going through so clearly...hb decreasing...they said, oh it's FINE quit worrying, but I just knew something was amiss...but then again there are those miracles...so hard to be "stuck" in the middle, very hard spot you are in. Mentally prepare yourself for either outcome and don't give up yet. It will be a rollercoaster. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst...and love the little baby you have right now growing inside. My story didn't end well that June 6th, 2009. I planted a tree, put a little angel statue by it my mom gave me, greived and moved on. But it's a process and if you don't greive or keep trying, whatever route to be a mommy, that is when you are truly stuck...and you want it so bad you will be a mommy somehow. What if next year at this time you are preparing to have your baby? You never know! I hope so.
Thank you so much everyone for your support. I am so unlucky to be going through infertility but at the same time I know I am not alone and having you all on my side that know exactly how I feel is a blessing. you might not realize how helpful your comments have been but I hope when you need a helping hand you will find it as I have. thank you
    • jaan and gibasgirl like this
(((hugs))) I have no words of wisdom or comfort...but you aren't alone♥

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