1
how do you keep going....
Posted by
wngu
,
15 June 2012
·
782 views
Here I am again, another dramatic day in my life. I keep on telling myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel but each cycle I get farther away from it. I am hopeless and am sure this is temporary and after a few weeks I will be back to square one trying and struggling and hoping that the end of this nightmare will come soon. I am tired of people telling me to stay strong. I am tired of everyone telling me everything will be okay. I am tired of keeping the faith that wverything will turn out allright when in fact it is not. A year of struggle has gone by and nothing is better. Here is my story again for the tired time. This cycle was our 3rd attempted at having our dreams come true. Of course not including 3 attempts at IUI and 5 months of clomid treatments.
For this cycle everything was picture perfect. My embryos looked much better than the last time and my first betas were in the high 200s. I was very hopeful that this time it would work. Our First ultrasound at 6 weeks was uneventful. Sac and yolk were visible but no heartbeat. Ultrasound showed me a few days behind. I was happy that at least there was a sac. Three days later I started to bleed heavily and franticly called my RE to see what I need to do. HE asked me to go to his office as soon as possible. 2nd ultrasound at 6weeks and 3 days showed a sac, a yoke and a heartbeat. I was in tears. My paradise was taken away in a few seconds later. RE informed me that the heartbeat was weak and the chance of another M/C is 50/50 and to come back in 5 days.
For 5 days I prayed and wished and hoped that everything will be ok and all of this nightmare will be over. But it was not over. Today ultrasound should very slow growth. Heart is still beating but too small to detect. My chances are down to 10%. Here is another agonizing week of waiting and hanging on to the 10% chance. But is it fair to put myself through that? I am in the cross road to give up on this embryo that is still beating to ease my pains and come to closure or give it all I have that maybe 10% is all he needs to survive. If this is going to end no matter what why am I put trough all this pain? Is it enough what we have gone trough to have this added to the pot? Have not taken enough punches?
I wish I could say I am doing well. I wish I could say I am strong and will get over this but I am not………
For this cycle everything was picture perfect. My embryos looked much better than the last time and my first betas were in the high 200s. I was very hopeful that this time it would work. Our First ultrasound at 6 weeks was uneventful. Sac and yolk were visible but no heartbeat. Ultrasound showed me a few days behind. I was happy that at least there was a sac. Three days later I started to bleed heavily and franticly called my RE to see what I need to do. HE asked me to go to his office as soon as possible. 2nd ultrasound at 6weeks and 3 days showed a sac, a yoke and a heartbeat. I was in tears. My paradise was taken away in a few seconds later. RE informed me that the heartbeat was weak and the chance of another M/C is 50/50 and to come back in 5 days.
For 5 days I prayed and wished and hoped that everything will be ok and all of this nightmare will be over. But it was not over. Today ultrasound should very slow growth. Heart is still beating but too small to detect. My chances are down to 10%. Here is another agonizing week of waiting and hanging on to the 10% chance. But is it fair to put myself through that? I am in the cross road to give up on this embryo that is still beating to ease my pains and come to closure or give it all I have that maybe 10% is all he needs to survive. If this is going to end no matter what why am I put trough all this pain? Is it enough what we have gone trough to have this added to the pot? Have not taken enough punches?
I wish I could say I am doing well. I wish I could say I am strong and will get over this but I am not………
