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Just numb

Posted by Iman77 , 10 January 2012 · 1,067 views

I'm in perpetual hell, first years of struggling to get this far in the firm belief that if I could get pregnant everything would be ok. I never imagined pregnancy itself to be full of so many pit holes, peaks and troughs. One moment I'm normal, all's well, the next I'm bleeding and being wheeled around the ER. After weeks of worry and fear I'm told that issue has resolved now, only to be replaced with another freaky condition. Just told yesterday baby has multiple cysts on the brain which may or may not be a problem.

I feel so, so numb, and emotionally drained. Every time I tell myself to "just get through" the next few weeks and think I'll be in the "clear" I only get to that landmark weeks later to have yet another bomb dropped on my head. Dazed, confused, heartbroken and devastated I try to think of all the questions I need to ask the callous Dr before he walks out after seeing us for just a couple of minutes, not wanting to explain our diagnosis to us and not caring in the slightest what the hell may or may not be happening to our baby. Every time I think maybe now I can "enjoy" my pregnancy I'm struck with another thunder bolt. I can not believe how heartless these bastard Dr's are, how blase, flippant and fickle, we're talking about a life here, one we have fought for years and thousands of dollars to get and they couldn't make it more obvious just how little they care. It makes me furious.
I feel helpless, overwhelmed, confused, scared, heartbroken, sad, depressed all at once. It's too much...it's beyond unfair after all I've been through, and there's the rest of the world, churning out babies like it's nothing. It costs them nothing to get pregnant, they breeze through pregnancy, get their figures back and get on with their lives. Not us. We're forever in hell, whether we're ttc or pregnant.

They tell me not to worry. How can I not? I can't go through IVF for a 4th time and at the end of that if I'm lucky have another complicated pregnancy.
The thing is, all this could be nothing at all, it's very likely that's the case, and if that's true why oh why can I not have peace of mind and "enjoy" this time?
Most of all I feel a mute frustration I can not begin to express and an anger which leaves me speechless and spent. I just wanted to look forward to having our baby, to buy little baby things and start the final count down as I approach my final trimester next month, but no such luck. After all these years ttc I really thought (how naive and stupid) that this would be the happiest time of my life.

We've yet to buy a single thing for the baby and now I just don't feel like it, walking around babiesrus where happy, normal, healthily pregnant women are shopping for their babies.

If somehow this all doesn't work out I don't know that I'll ever recover but I do know that after 10 years of suffering and almost 5 months of a high risk pregnancy with new complications thrown into the works every few weeks, that I will be done trying forever. It's now or never, is this baby or nothing. I refuse to lose any more of my life in this hell. I will find a way to happiness and know that I did everything I could do to have a child and it just wasn't in the stars. I'm not throwing in the towel just yet on this, my one and only pregnancy, I'll fight until the end and keep hoping somehow that all will be well, but it's out of my hands just like IVF was.
Come what may, I will always remember how wonderful it was to have actually been pregnant, to see my baby move on the ultrasound, and now to feel those little movements I have felt every day. I have never felt so much love in my life for a person I have never met but dreamed of for so very, very long.
I feel responsible somehow, and guilty that I can not protect my baby. I know the placenta previa, the clot and now the cysts are not my fault but somehow I blame myself and feel so useless and helpless.

Jan 10 2012 12:16 PM
All your feelings are normal and OK. I cannot imagine what you are going through but anger and resentment seem like exactly what anyone in your shoes would feel.

I wish you had a more compassionate doctor who could help you through this. I wish you didn't have to go through this! You're so right, you've been through enough.

I'm doing all that I can which is to send you a hug and let you know that you are strong enough to make it through this.
    • Iman77 likes this

So sorry to hear of the continued struggles.
Big hugs of support to you.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping for smoother sailing ahead.

    • Iman77 likes this
Sending hugs. I know how difficult it can be to be given potentially bad news about your baby that you have worked so hard to conceive. Wishing you strength to get through.
    • Iman77 likes this
Dearest Iman,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am with you in spirit and am sending you my support.

Know that you remain in my prayers for better days and less worry.

Thinking of you and sending my best,

    • Iman77 likes this
I have a friend whose baby also had a cyst in his brain around the fifth month that the doctors' couldn't explain. She was also very worried like yourself and had tons of tests done on the baby which turned out inconclusive. In the end, the cyst disappeared and everything is alright, and she has a beautiful newborn baby now! She gave birth on the 7th, the baby was 2 days past his due date! She had a bumpy pregnancy and was put on bed rest since the beginning.

I'm hoping that you can stay positive and know that you're not alone. Give yourself a pat on the back because you've come such a long way! You did great and so strong for going through all this, even though we have our bad days! I know IF is such a hard thing to go through, on top of pregnancy complications, it's just cruel. I feel for you.

Regarding your doctor, are you able to switch to a better doctor that you're happier with? I would! It's a big thing and the doctor will be taking care of you throughout your 9 months of pregnancy. If you're unhappy with him now, what about at birth?

Best wishes and I hope it's smooth sailing from now on! *hugs*
    • Iman77 likes this
Jan 10 2012 02:22 PM
Since I had a pregnancy quite like yours...never really being able to enjoy it and just waiting for the other shoe to drop, what I will say is this:

- sometimes too many ultrasounds isn't good. I know today they give us almost weekly ultrasounds, but you have to think back to when our moms and grandmothers were pregnant, they were lucky to get one ultrasound if that. I think today too many ultrasounds are being done and they are over-analyzing each thing they see. I wonder how many babies have been born into this world showing these cysts on their brains at 18 weeks?
- I was told at 12 weeks that my baby had a calcium growth in her heart. They labelled it some weird name and I started to freak out. They sent me for even more ultrasounds...and they kept saying this irregular heart beat issue. I felt my pregnancy was doomed. Sure enough...my water broke at 20 weeks. After all the autopsy and placenta data has come back...nothing shows an irregular heart or a calcium build up in the heart. My water broke because of an infection I got. The baby was deemed 100% healthy...even though during my pregnancy they treated me as if I were carrying a sick baby.

I look back at my pregnancy and in planning my next pregnancy, I see myself not worrying so much about ultrasounds. Not worrying at what is written on the ultrasounds. It's not that I don't care...its that I think we are in a position where they assume our babies all have issues, so its almost like they pinpoint the issues. I dunno, thats my opinion from being in a position of where you are.

I would try to forget about what the doctors have said. I would let things roll off your shoulders more and focus on that healthy baby. Focus on making it to term and holding that baby in your arms. These are things I didn't envision because I felt so stuck in what was said at the ultrasounds. I feel like today me not envisioning them hindered me from getting there.\

I am keeping you in my prayers and have everything crossed that is will all work out.
    • gibasgirl and Iman77 like this
Thank you all so much. I felt so alone and bewildered and have had PM's and lots of positive responses which I'd be lost without.
Angelpoo: I wish I could change OB's, this is a practice of 5 Dr's, so far I've dealt with only 2 of them. The practice is affiliated with the hospital where I would have the baby and as it's in a hospital it's all very convenient. If I continue to feel unhappy I may get a second opinion but because of the location it seems I'm stuck with these guys.
Sweetest Dream: Wise words to live by, thank you. You're so right, I thought ultrasounds were going to be reassuring and was excited to see how baby is doing, but instead it seems they just keep finding things which ultimately resolve with time, but knowing them causes unnecessary additional stress which might be more dangerous than they're finding actually is. I'm going to try to do what you say and block it all out, pretend it's all fine, because it possibly/probably is and try to believe it's all going to be alright. Worry never helps anything...
    • gibasgirl likes this
Thinking positive thoughts. Enjoy any little moment of happiness you get, and that will get you through the dark time.
Best wishes for you and your growing baby.
    • Iman77 likes this
I know it's so hard not to worry. At my 20w ultrasound it showed the baby had a spinal abnormality. I cried for days and could not go to work. They sent us to McMaster. I somehow was able to get through the next 20 w and we had what looked like a beautiful healthy baby girl. When we went back to McMaster after she was born, they do see the spine abnormality. I asked if it was something I could have and she said sure, people walk around with it all the time without knowing and unless my mother had an ultrasound when she was pregnant or I had a back x ray I would never know. Sometimes ultrasounds are great, but sometimes they just see things that cause us to worry through our whole pregnancy. I hope everything is okay with your baby and you can somehow get through the coming months and somewhat enjoy your pregnancy.
    • gibasgirl and Iman77 like this
My BFF's baby had cysts as well, however they resolved themselves in the third trimester. She went full term, and her son is an amazingly happy little boy. I know its worrying to have anything go wrong, especially after we have fought so hard for the life we have created. Try to remain as positive as you can, as difficult as that is. That little babe of yours can sense your stress.
Hoping the rest of your pregnancy is worry free.
    • gibasgirl and Iman77 like this
A difficult pregnancy is nearly impossible to enjoy - especially if you had to use ART to achieve it. As an IVFer, I could not make that leap of faith to "everything is going to be alright". I'd tried to do that with my cycles, and got burned. When pregnant, the most I could manage was not giving in to the panic and fear that was always threatening to overwhelm me. I gave up hoping to enjoy my high risk pregnancy, and just took it one day at a time. It was the only way to make it through without losing my mind. I'm not religious, but at the end of each and every day, I'd express my joy and relief at having made it through 24 more hours with babies on board.

I simply could not compare myself or relate to the oblivious masses - not when I was TTCing, and not when I was pregnant. I had a very different road, and although it felt very unfair that we'd have such a challenge getting AND staying pregnant, and I wanted my blissful ignorance back, I also recognize that my path has given me strength and gratitude that the oblivious masses lack. Small rewards, perhaps, but at least my trials and tribulations were not in vain. To me, that would have been the worst - to go through Hell and have absolutely nothing positive to show for it.

My babies were born two months early (at 31w5d), and as a standard protocol, they perform head ultrasounds to look for bleeds - premies are prone to these because the brain at that stage of development is extremely fragile. They noticed a pretty large cyst in Colin's brain, right in the area that control his large motor skills. I was really concerned, but they reassured me that it would likely resolve on its own, and it did. The neonatologist told me that because medical imaging is so advanced these days, they see things they would never have noticed before - half of us could be walking around with cysts in our brains and be none the wiser.

No one can tell you not to worry. My high risk OBGYN was always telling me to only worry about that which I could control... which didn't amount to much. And while I wasn't able to follow his advice all day and every day, it did help me to focus on the short term goal of an hour, a day, a week. Hang in there. Give yourself space to feel angry and frustrated - go easy on yourself and what you *think* you should be feeling. If you feel comfortable, perhaps you can remind your doctor that this is your first pregnancy; that it didn't come easy, and that it hasn't been easy. Sometimes they need a reminder to see the sum of the parts - the emotional patient - and not just the parts.

Please keep us updated!
    • gibasgirl and Iman77 like this
Thanks S00n, Alison and Heather.
Journey, thank you so much for sharing your story, you went through exactly how I feel daily. So glad to hear that the cyst wasn't a problem in the end. I agree, Ultrasounds seem to be both a blessing and a curse and it seems it's possible to know too much. I will certainly let the Dr know next time that this pregnancy has taken 10 years and 3 rounds of IVF to achieve and so it's only to be expected that I'm already very anxious about it.
Will be sure to update as I know more and to try not to worry...
Oh Iman77

I dont feel there is anything I can say that could explain to the heartbreak I feel for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jan 11 2012 08:26 AM
Oh Iman my heart breaks reading of your struggles. After a long stressful journey to get pregnant, it's just not fair to have to endure a stressful pregnancy to boot. Someone gave me this advice early on in my pregnancy and it really helped to ease some of my anxietiies. They said to focus on the fact that for today you are pregnant. If that changes tomorrow, then you'll deal with it then but you don't need to pre-live a nightmare that may or may never be. I agree with others that all the ultrasounds and tests can be a bit overkill. All of us walk around with any number of anatomical anomolies, and are mist often none the wiser.
    • Iman77 likes this
Iman77, can I ever relate with you. My pregnancy was unfortunately not the picture perfect pregnancy I dreamed of. There was heartache, loss, sleepless sad nights and stressful days. But I tried my absolute best to enjoy what I could. There are things that have happened that I haven't shared with this forum....but let me say that all those feelings you have I have felt as well. Even thinking about it now fills me with so much emotion.

I pray that these remaining months go quickly for you and please try to enjoy what you can and try not to overanalyze (avoid google). Being high risk is not fun, but don't let it hijack your entire pregnancy. You have a little peanut inside you that is still thriving and wants to meet you just as much as you want to meet them. xo
    • Iman77 likes this
Anyone who has a high-risk pregnancy can relate. I only enjoyed the first twelve weeks, if you can enjoy waiting to get til that 12 week mark. LOL. I agree that u/s are both a blessing and a curse. Just wanted to share that my grandaughter, while in womb, had a cyst, can't remember the name now, but when googled, it was bad. They booked mom for a 3D u/s and by time it happened, two weeks later, baby was fine. Sometimes it is just the image they capture.

Sending positive thoughts your way. Take care.
Iman - while I have not had to endure your struggles of TTC for 10 years, all of us on this board understand the emotional and financial cost of IVF. I agree with the others in that sometimes the testing, ultrasounds, etc. that we as IVFers seem to go through more often then those that conceive naturally almost seems like a punishment rather then a blessing. You have every right to feel angry - especially if you have health care providers that are not conscious or compassionate to what you have been through up to this point. My best advice to you is this...focus on the connection and love you feel for your little one to get you through the rough times. We have no control over any of the other "medical issues" that may arise throughout our pregnancies, but we do have control over providing a loving environment for our little ones while they are developing - sing, talk, or read to your baby, take a moment each time you feel it move to stop and enjoy just focusing on that moment and nothing else. Wishing you a stress free last trimester - hang in there and take care of you and your little one.
Thanks Kitten, SD, Hopeful, Tannikka and Poisondoc and everyone who has reached out to me. So grateful to everyone.
    • gibasgirl likes this
I'm sorry you're going through this. It is so very hard. I wish you strength and peace. Take it a day at a time. I hope that your upcoming months turn out to be uneventful and that your baby is born healthy and happy.
    • gibasgirl and Iman77 like this
I just wanted to wish you well and that I hope everything is going ok for you and your baby.

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