It came in threes...

After 10 years, 7 failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF's I made it to the very first BFP of my life. I had dreamed and wondered what it would be like to see two lines on the HPT...and when it happened I sat staring in disbelief, my mouth open as I both screamed and cried the way you'd expect someone to who had a BFN. I stayed in shock for ages, staring at it, wondering if I was imagining it or if this was just another dream.

The Dr just called, and my beta is 145. Next beta on Wednesday.  

This was our third ART attempt this year, I had two failed IUI's earlier this year. It was our third Ivf. It was a day 3 transfer and they transferred 3 embryos...everything happened in threes and I wondered if the third time would be the charm.

Of all three IVF's this one went the smoothest. That's not to say nothing bad happened, I had collapsed veins and the dilapan rod I had to have inserted to stretch and soften my cervix was a hellish ordeal, but it was totally worth it as my transfer went without a hitch. We lost power when Hurricaine Irene tore through here, and had no flashlight. We couldn't find one anywhere even three days before the hurricaine. DH managed to find a headlight from a camping store and injected me while wearing that light. It was unbelievable. The clinic had to close because of the hurricaine and my appointment days were changed, but somehow...everything still fell into place. My RE wasn't happy with my left ovary which was slower than the right and has now developed another cyst. (I had one there before)
And yet...somehow we got 3 good embryos, an A-, a B+ and a B-. I had hoped for blasts so wasn't happy with a day 3 transfer, but I should have seen how everything was coming in threes.

As I drove for the beta test this morning to the clinic I have driven to so often for the last three years I cried tears of joy and I re-lived the painful procedures, failures and ordeals of the last decade. I remembered the first IVF at my former clinic where the RE did a hysteroscopy on me without any pain meds or sedation and yelled at me when I writhed on the table in agony. "Will you hold still?". That was the clinic where they put the ultrasound probe in my rectum and then inserted it inside me, exposing me to potential infection.
I thought of all the days and nights I have cried and the sadness I thought would never end.

I lost all hope, and sight of my dreams. I couldn't be positive or optimistic anymore, but bitter sarcasm has been my survival mechanism. It is only recently that I became aware of my anger about all of this, and came to understand that I must allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel. If I was angry that was ok, if I wanted to cry all day that was fine too and if I felt completely emotionally dead and detatched, so be it.
Despite all of that, I couldn't give up. I felt as though I was now just going through the motions without any hope of a happy ending out of sheer anger and defiance. I knew my family and friends had long given up hope for me and this only motivated me even more to keep going. I couldn't believe how everyone had written me off and given up on my behalf.

I still have a long way to go, I'm in a state of happy shock and disbelief. It will take time to process, absorb and believe this has actually happened.
I could no longer imagine being this happy and had resigned myself to a life of painful dissapointments and social exclusion.

I want to wish you all this moment, this day of unbelievable joy and the fulfillment of your desperate hopes and dreams and to say that even if you no longer have hope or faith, don't give up. You don't have to have hope, faith or a positive attitude. My first two attempts I ate like a saint and did acupunture...no caffeine, no alcohol, no fun of any kind...
This time if I wanted coffee when I was on stims I had a cup, my RE said it was fine to have a glass of wine up until ER and although I didn't drink much, if and when I wanted to, I did. I refused to torment myself anymore than I already have been. I was sceptical, cynical and hopeless.
I want all of you to know it's ok to feel all of this negativity...it can still happen! I'm proof of that, and I have beaten myself up in the past for not being zen, relaxed and optimistic. When it failed, it wasn't my fault and now that it has worked, it is not anything to my credit. It's a crapshoot, a roll of the dice, a shot in the dark (or quite literally injections in the dark!) and when IVF works, it's still a miracle because as so many of us know, there are no guarantees.

What I really want to say to you all is never, never give up. I am and will be eternally grateful to so many of you who have been so kind and supportive, who cheered me on when I felt like I was crawling on broken glass and gashed knees. You wished me luck and shared my highs and lows and rooted for me. I will never forget that, or these ten years of sadness. They have forever changed me and now I believe it is my turn to be there for all of you and to remind you to keep going, even when you can't see the point anymore, and feel nothing but despair. It's ok to be hopeless, just never stop trying. As long as you keep trying anything is possible.