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Wishing, wondering and hoping

Posted by galfromaway , 25 July 2012 · 1,134 views

Friday we had confirmed what we had hoped - that we really did have a little creature on board! We saw the heart beat, we saw its shape, and it was the most amazing pre-birthday gift we could ever receive! My husband giggles whenever I mention I'm feeling queasy, and he's pouting like crazy because he can't touch my breasts without them hurting. There seems to be a slight curve to my belly that wasn't there before, and I have to consciously not check it every time I use the washroom because it's not growing as fast as I'd like it to. Posted Image

As excited and amazed as I am, there's a part of me that's nervous. I'm 8w4d along, and I keep sending thoughts to my belly, wishing the fetus to keep its heart beating, to stay around for the long haul. I'm curious to know if anything has changed since Friday. I want to ask questions of people, but don't know who to ask, or how to ask without sounding paranoid and over-thinking. I felt sicker last week than I do this week - is this normal? But then I'll feel more gross again, and I'll be happy about it because it means (to me) that things are ok in there. Breast tenderness and soreness increases and decreases at different times. Twinges are still happening in my belly, but then I'll go a few days without anything. Is that normal?

My ob/gyn said I can go into the clinic for an ultrasound if I feel concerned at any point before our scheduled ultrasound on Aug 23rd. But I don't want to do that if I can help it, as much as I'd like the reassurance that the little heart is still beating and things still look good for our little creature.

I know there's no right or wrong in all of this... it's all a matter of what we're comfortable with...

And I know that I likely know too much about this whole process after going through two IVF attempts and learning more than I ever needed to know about reproduction and my own anatomy. That probably doesn't help things at all. Neither does knowing how many early miscarriages there are...

I want our creature to stick around. I want it to grow and develop and be healthy and come to us in late February or early March. Our never expected "oops."

And I don't know what I can do to help that happen beyond what I'm doing now - eating well, trying to keep my worry and stress levels as low as I can, thinking good thoughts, and staying active.

I guess I just needed to write this out.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good beyond nausea and a few twinges. No spotting, no pain, nothing like that. I'm trying to go with the thought of "no news is good news" so to speak - if something was going to go wrong, I'd have symptoms of some sort, right?

So, little one in there, please feel the love we have for you, and grow healthy. You're our amazing surprise, and one that we never expected to have. We'd be shattered to lose you.

Jul 25 2012 09:13 AM
Come join the Feb or March due date threads :) You'll come to see that your concerns are perfectly normal as we've all had those moments where feeling too "normal" is cause for us to all go batty :)

Congrats and keep growing little creature :)
Jul 25 2012 10:09 AM
Thanks, DesignerBug. :) I've been thinking about joining the due date thread, but have hesitated because (silly me!) doesn't want to jinx anything. *laugh* I think it might be a good place for me to be, tho.

Thanks. :)
Jul 25 2012 10:12 AM
(Now which one to join... do I do February in case I'm early, or March cause it's March 1? Or can I hover in both? Hm...)
yes please join us in February 2013 due dates! I am 8 weeks and 4 days today too! I feel EXACTLY the same as you! I think its normal! Congratulations! =)
Jul 25 2012 11:37 AM
Thanks, ValleyGirl! I'll be there!! And glad we're on the same schedule! :D

Thanks, Kcruz85 :)
You expressed so perfectly what many of us feel when a struggled for and long awaited dream finally seems to be true! And guess what - it IS true. After what you have been through and learned, it can only be expected that your knowledge and worry-base will be more heightened than the lucky mommies who know nothing of what it means to struggle, and give so much of their lives in exchange for the chance to have a baby. But knowing that, it's also important to concentrate on celebrating what you have dreamed of for so long. I am just like you, still feeling cautious and detached a bit as a security blanket, but I know it is only healthy and positive for both me and baby to get the positive vibes and joy flowing. You deserve it! CONGRATULATIONS! And we will be here to support you through each milestone :)
    • jaan likes this
Jul 25 2012 02:39 PM
It's our first attempt and I am just as freaked out as you are. I'm 11weeks 2 days now and I'm really starting to show, I look like I'm 4 months pregnant. The only assurance I get is my symptoms (some nausea, higher heart rate, increase white blood cell count, constipation, and my growing belly) because it's too early for the doppler and I don't have my ultrasound until 18 weeks (Sept 11). I've been hesitant to join the due dates thread as well as I don't want to jinx it either, but I do peek in and see how everyone is doing there. Good luck!!!
Hi gal, What you are feeling is totally normal. It's not that I didn't have any symptoms but the symptoms I did have were not really out of the normal for any given day. Well maybe I felt slightly crappier on a while. So I don't think you can read too much into symptoms. I also think that non-IVF pregnancies are generally a little stronger than IVF pregnancies because the process of stripping the eggs and growing them outside of their natural environment makes those embryos more vulnerable. Have some piece of mind that in non-assisted pregnancies hearing a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks significantly reduces the likelihood of miscarriage. Of course anything can happen at any time but you will drive yourself crazy if you think about all the possibilities. I'm in the same place as well really overthinking everything. I'm wishing the best for you and your little miracle.

Jul 26 2012 07:18 AM
Thanks, Saffy. Your perspective is just what I needed to hear (read) this morning. We didn't hear the heartbeat on Friday, but did see it, and the doctor seemed very happy with what she saw. And I know my hormones are totally out of whack because I could cry at the sight of a cute kitten photo, or from just reading a kind word. *laugh* I will keep repeating that to myself - that non-assisted pregnancies are a little stronger, and our little creature is stronger than our first IVF attempt. We'll see if I get spooked enough to book an ultrasound in the next week...

Smurfette_wong, I'm glad I'm not the only one freaking out. :) I hope everything keeps going well for you. And glad you peek in. :)

Juliet, I am so grateful for this chance... It's difficult to not be overly cautious. I mean, in a way I know more, but at the same time because this is so new I feel like I don't know enough. Glad I've got you ladies here for words of support and encouragement!! *hug*

Thanks. :)
Knowledge is a good thing...but sometimes knowing too much isn't that great...IF does that too us...we become uber sensitive to our bodies...which is good & bad.....that is the down side to IF is the fear of m/c...normal pg's have that fear too...but it's different when you had to undergo years of IF and spend a wad of money to conceive...something a fertile person will never understand. Your fears are normal...your twinges and pg symptoms are very normal....I wish you the best of luck...try to be positive and focus on the good, enjoy your pg...it will feel like forever...and the stress sometimes will get the best of you...and then when you bring home your baby...a NEW stress will kick in.....which are very normal stresses too...I think it makes us more sensitive to our babies needs....I believe it has to serve a purpose...I hope ;) ok again congrats and best of luck
Congrats! So happy for you and your DH. Wishing you an uneventful and healthy pregnancy! xo
I am so happy for you. Reading your blog brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye (happy tears!)

I'm sure your little one is in it for the long haul. I know its hard not to worry but you have made it this far, and seen the heartbeat - which is such a wonderful sign! :)

Stay positive and sending you my best wishes!

Jul 31 2012 10:45 AM
Thanks, jaan. :) My MIL said that she was pretty naieve in the early stages of her two pregnancies, so she can't entirely relate to the uber-sensitivity. But so far so good right now. Nausea is happening like crazy, and DH is so happy that my breasts are growing. :D So far the anxiety is staying at a good level - I figure if I'm still feeling gross and there's no spotting, all is good. :)

Iman77, thank you. :)

Lindsey, I'm glad the tears were happy ones. :) I've made it thus far (9w3d now), and am cautiously optimistic. This is way farther than our first IVF!!

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