Month to Month

So as my dearly departed friend told me before I started this journey, once you start you have to realize it will always be on your mind. Sex will become a means to an end, not that it won't still be enjoyable, but no matter what it will be a "schedule". Testing - either ovulation or pregnancy will become routine, and each negative will hit you hard. I sure wish I realized how right she was. I told myself, and her, that I would be able to handle it and it has become a battle of emotion ever since. It also seems so much harder the past year since she passed on so unexpected. Lost was my friend and all her witty advice on how to handle my feelings. She went through the same battle for years before she even discussed it with me.

Not that I don't have other friends that have infertility problems, but most already have children and don't truly understand. I would seriously like to sit down and explain to so many that it is truly a blessing, and a miracle to become pregnant. It isn't just a matter of getting drunk and having sex, it is about timing and the window is so minute when you look at it. I despise fertile myrtles, but more so comments like "God gives you what you can handle", "if its' meant to be it will happen" and the worst - "Just relax". Are you kidding me?? "Just Relax"..and trust me my Husband - bless his heart - just about was a victim of an assault when he said this to me after I had a mini break down because my period had graced me with its' presence. I feel like sometimes no one understands..including my Doctors - because for all their experience why in the world would you look at a distraught patient and use those words "Just Relax"?

My friend was so right. My life is a schedule, regardless if I acknowledge it, it is always at the back of my mind. I took a few months off fertility drugs, specialists, testing and I still new when sex would be most beneficial. That is not what I wanted when we decided to try and conceive. I was so certain that if everyone else seemed to be able to get pregnant right away, so would I. Was I wrong. I have always been relatively healthy, but when we decided to TTC, I stopped eating, using, and doing things that would be detrimental or not recommended during the process. Only Tylenol or tums for ailments unless I spoke to a DR or Pharmacist to confirm it wouldn't harm my chances of conceiving. Changed eating and exercise habits. No vitamins, supplements or herbal remedies not recommended for use during or prior to pregnancy. No medical evidence either way - didn't use them. Lose weight - done although I have gained it back (call it giving up, I call it comfort foods).

One small beef - why can there not be a more defined time to do a pregnancy test?? The tests say it can detect pregnancy up to 5 days before your period, one DR says to test if you are late, one DR says to test 10 days after your scheduled period - 10 days really?? With that I would miss a month of fertility drug treatment because you shouldn't start treatment if pregnant right?? So confusing. My solution - alternate months of fertility drugs. This way, in my mind, if I do become pregnant it should give me plenty of time to test positive at home - or to recognize symptoms. I can read and discuss early symptoms, but never experiencing them I wonder if I would pick them out as early indicators.

I know that those I am most wanting to view this will never been on this site, as they have no reason to be, but I want to put this down. Most/All of you reading this will be familiar with the schedule, so feel free to quit reading as the rest of this is more of a written vent for me.
Sending all an this site good thoughts and hugs for the days you need them, and especially on the days you don't think you do.

For all you "I wasn't trying" , "I don't know how it happened" and "What?" Fertile Myrtles that is . Here is how my life runs now and will until I have no more will power to continue. Or, as one DR so kindly said "I come to terms with not being able to have children"

Day 1 - My Period has begun - back in the day this was a good sign now it is like losing a pregnancy every month
Day 2 - Record symptoms, and don't become an alcoholic or serial killer
Day 3-Day 7 - Take fertility drugs and hope for few side effects
Day 8-Day 9 - "Relax"
Day 10-Day 16 - Start having sexual intercourse every other day, start doing ovulation testing. If doing IUI or Superovulation contact DR on Day 10 to start ultrasounds to properly schedule injections.
Day 14-Day 16 - After positive Ovulation test - contact DR to schedule IUI
Day 17-Day 18 - Convince husband that him providing his semen in a jar is greatly appreciated and will eventually get easier
Day 17-Day 18 - IUI, Keep legs crossed, stay laying down (because you know gravity is your enemy) and "Relax"
Day 18-Day 25 - "Relax", do NOT become homicidal, do NOT become and emotional basket case, do NOT watch movies involving pregnancy
Day 25-Day 32 - Do not become OCD with pregnancy testing and really can they detect if "5 days before your period"?. Try not to count the hours until what should be the beginning of Day 1. Do not dwell on symptoms that could be either PMS or early pregnancy. "Relax".

Once you have quit analyzing whether it was truly a period or Implantation Bleeding, and have confirmed for the last time through a pregnancy test - determine your plan of action for the next 32 days.

I may have missed a few items but that is a day by day view of my life month to month. So you see the window for conception is small 4-5 days and really 24-48 hours depending on what DR or resource you take into consideration.