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Life After Infertility

Posted by impatient , 14 June 2012 · 1,553 views

I'm being sarcastic. We all know that once infertility hits, it's with you for life, whether your dreams come true or not.

For those of us who haven't rolled the lucky dice, it's holding our hand even tighter. There's no positive HPT or heartbeat on an ultrasound to mark a transition between life as an infertility patient and life as a former infertility patient. Instead, there's just a gradual realization that the anger and sadness, while still there, are not as sharp as they once were. Eventually, counting the days of your menstrual cycle, or googling the word 'infertility', seems less relevant and less interesting than other things in life.

You don't often hear much on this site from those of us who are still not mothers. Maybe we don't write much because we are aware that those who are starting out might find it depressing to consider that a baby is not the only possible outcome of IVF. Yes, it IS quite possible to put your heart and soul (as well as your life savings) into fertility treatments and years later still have pretty much exactly what you had when you started (minus the life savings).

Perhaps you also don't hear from us much because when you're not doing fertility treatments, and you're not pregnant, and you don't have kids, there's not too much relevant to say on an infertility website. There are no pregnancy or baby-related milestones to share. No birth announcements, no first steps, no first days of school. The milestones we do have are a little depressing: wedding anniversary (= more than four years of trying to conceive), birthday (= one year closer to menopause). You get the picture.

DH and I have been trying to adopt for the last two years. We've been trying to throw ourselves into the world of adoption as much as we can, and we feel excited about the possibility of one day having our spare bedroom turn into a kid's bedroom. However, we realize that the number of adoptions in BC has declined dramatically over the last few years. As much as we would like to think of ourselves as ideal candidates, we're aware that there are many, many wonderful people out there who are also waiting. It might happen for us or it might not.

Life is best lived in the moment, and right now at this moment, we don't have kids, and actually ... for now, that's okay. Watching my friends with kids has made me appreciate what we do have: freedom and spare time. And lately we've been taking advantage of that. We've been renovating our house. We've been working lots and trying to save money. We've been exercising and signing up for crazy races together. I've been taking random classes just for fun - the latest one is an acting class. DH and I are best friends. We talk and spend time together. We go on dates. We've got some great summer vacations planned. And we've discovered that even though it seems like ALL of our friends are having kids (and they are), there are also lots of fun and inspirational people out there who don't, and they are a lot easier to hang out with because they don't need a babysitter.

I want people to know that life after fertility treatments is NOT all bad. Even if it doesn't work out, you WILL survive and things WILL get easier. The pain does fade and you do adjust. One day you will wake up in the morning and realize that you are excited about life again.

  • jaan, tannikka, Vetter and 8 others like this

What a wonderful Blog entry. You seriously have put into words what I have been feeling for a while now. Yes there is life after fertility treatments for sure. :)
    • gibasgirl likes this
Jun 14 2012 01:10 PM
Thank you for sticking around. I've always had a great deal of respect for how you've handled so much adversity thrown your way, and yet continue to support others (who have often gone on to have success with IVF). Best wishes for all good things to come your way.
    • gibasgirl likes this
Thanks for writing this entry Impatient and sharing your perspective on things.

BTW...I'm a crankypants lurker and I enjoy the things that you guys post about :)
    • Vetter and gibasgirl like this
Thanks impatient....very ispirational
    • gibasgirl likes this
Jun 14 2012 02:24 PM
Thanks impatient! I absolutely agree with your thoughts and have always believed in them myself. Thanks for putting them into words.
    • gibasgirl likes this
Highest hopes
Jun 14 2012 02:44 PM
Beautiful post - a good reminder :)
    • gibasgirl likes this
Jun 14 2012 02:58 PM
Beautiful. I have thought about you often and wondered how life has been treating you. I'm glad that you have been able to find some good stuff... I'm a little jealous of the fun races. I have another friend who's gotten into them too. They sound like so much fun.
    • Vetter and gibasgirl like this
It brings a tear to my eye..... wonderful post my friend :) Yes... there IS life after infertility treatments - a VERY good life....
    • gibasgirl likes this
Very well said, Impatient.
    • Vetter likes this
Jun 14 2012 04:29 PM
I'm so glad to read a blog entry from you; I think is a very poignant reminder that it's important to keep living life as best you can even in the face of adversity. We only have so much time on this earth and there is much to enjoy!
    • gibasgirl likes this
Thank you for this truly amazing post.
    • gibasgirl likes this
Very thoughtful and well-written. Thank you for sharing!
    • gibasgirl likes this
Thanks Impatient, That was so well said, I think you covered many aspects of the IF journey. I guess all you have been through has made you somewhat of an expert, add that to your list of accomplishments!! When you are in the thick of it all it is hard to imagine life after IF treatment or application processes, it is kind of scary to think about it, but this post was a good reminder that no matter the outcome, we have the choice in how we live the life that we have been given.
    • gibasgirl likes this
I'm really glad you wrote this, because I'm sure there are many women who feel the same way and wonder if they're alone. I learned over the years that IF treatment is really a roll of the dice, and sometimes the house wins every time. There's no superpower out there or law that absolutely entitles you to get what you want in life, and that's a very hard thing to accept sometimes. Some have been lucky, some have been crushed. But the truly strong and self-aware, such as yourself, keep going on with life as it is in your world. I have fond memories of getting together with you. You were the first person from this community that I met IRL, during my first cycle, and you remain in my thoughts.
    • tannikka, Vetter and gibasgirl like this
Impatient, I loved this post, I think it came right from your inner core. Your relationship with your DH sounds like something most of the rest of us only read about.

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