IVF.ca Forums: Thinking about things... - IVF.ca Forums

I must admit that I'm feeling a bit anxious today/tonight. I suspect that it might be me getting a bit PMS-y as my period draws closer. As it looms, so does the start of a new cycle and this is both exciting and stressful for me. One of the things that I am worried about the most is that, in addition to all this cycling business, I have taken on a lot in my workplace. Unfortunately, it's just the nature of where I work--it is very hard to scale back. I worry about going into this cycle with projects/work hanging over my head. Do I wait? Do I look for a more opportune time? Will there ever be a more opportune time? Time seems so much more precious to me now than it did even a year ago.

I also feel like this whole process has set off some sort of "mid-life crisis-like" (cause, hey, I'm not ACTUALLY in mid-life state in me. Maybe it all started when the doctor used terms like "advanced maternal age" in our conversations. I thought, "What did he just say?" I had walked in there, feeling like a trendy 30-something and suddenly I wanted to whack him with my cane! In later conversations, he said things like, "You're young...don't worry" but the "advanced maternal age" thing just stuck in my head. Today I was in La Senza picking up some undies and suddenly felt really out of place amongst the 20-something shoppers. The salesgirl called me Ma'am and suddenly I was wondering, "How did I become a Ma'am? When did that happen?" Anyways, the point being, is that I am suddenly so much more aware of my age. I think that I need to try to forget about it...easier said than done. I know I'm not OLD but boy, oh boy, do I ever wish that I could turn the clock back even just a few years.

DH and I are a great couple but there is a significant age difference. If I weren't in his life he would never be going down this route. He has grown children who basically have nothing to do with me. It's frustrating and, at times, I get very p.o'd at DH who does nothing to try to encourage them to have any sort of relationship with me. A little while ago we went to see the movie, "It's Complicated" and (Spoiler Alert!) Alec Baldwin's character is married to a younger woman and they end up at a fertility clinic. There's one scene where they show couples waiting at the clinic and, in each instance, it's a younger woman with an older guy. This certainly doesn't reflect what I see at the clinic, but it is reflective of DH and I. It made me squirm a little, while at the theatre. Sometimes, I worry that I'm dragging him down this route when he is perhaps not as committed to the process as I am. But the heart wants what it wants and motherhood is something that I've always wanted. We do not have the ideal situation but who does really? And I have noted a glimmer of excitement in DH's eyes--I know it's not something that I'm imagining. It may not be as strong as the glimmer in my eyes, but it's still there.

And so, I go on...trying not to stress too much, trying to maintain some sort of work/life balance and, trying to be good with my eating habits. I think I have actually begun to like wheatgrass! I have to disguise it by putting it in my juice but, hey...whatever works! Sure beats puking it up over my kitchen floor, spewing green like Linda Blair in The Exorcist! (Yes, that was my first experience with Wheatgrass...it's gotten much better!)

Writing here has put me in a bit of a better frame of mind....I'm so glad that this forum exists!