IVF.ca Forums: IVF.ca Forums -> Sad Things & Bad Thoughts

I talked to a very close friend of mine who also struggles with IF on Saturday afternoon. She is gettin a divorce. She has been married 13 years and her DH had just pretty much emotionally shut her off. She finally got him to talk and he brought up the fact that she couldnt have children. I started crying because I felt her pain. 6 years ago, she got preg naturally and then miscarried, she told him then that children were not going to happen and that he still had time to move on if he wanted too. Of course, he didnt, but now he is bringing it up. We also think there may be something other things going on with him too but not quite sure. It was very painful to hear because my dh and I have had the same conversation!!! I dont want to get 6 years down the road and him hold this against me because he cannot or will not try to work thru his grief and move forward!! I can see it coming though.

I did a jazzercise demonstration at church last Thursday night. Several ladies shared their talents. One very young girl who Ive taught in Sunday School when she was 13 got up at the end. She has a 9 month old and is very preg with number 2 and not even 20 yet. Anway, she got up and shared that she had been in dance and blah blah blah (she always rambles like an idiot when she talks) and I thought to myself "BITCH, YOUR DANCE DAYS ARE OVER NOW". It just makes me so sick. I try to act like it doesnt bother me, but it really does. She got preg out of wedlock the first time and is now on number 2 and here I am with none!!! One of my other girls that I taught in sunday school when she was 15 just gave birth to her first last week and here I am almost 40 and still have no living children.

I am so angry with Heavenly Father. I have been acting out in inappropriate ways. I guess I call myself gettin back at Him for takin my baby away from me. I am still hurting so bad. Baby G would have been 3 weeks old by now. I am thoughts that I was not prepared to have. Like, I should be on maternity leave now and not worrying about work and stuff like that. I should be holding and nursing my son. DH and I should be happy with our son instead of grievin his loss and trying to find a new norm-if there is one.

2 babies were blessed last sunday and it about tore my heart out. All I could think was that my son should be getting blessed as well. My sobs got to be a little loud so I have to remove myself from the chapel. I went out. Later on, my dear friend brought me my stuff and told me that I could go home if I wanted to and that she would find someone to take my class. i told her NO, I wasnt going to go home, the only way I am going to be able to work thru it is to keep exposing myself to it no matter how much it hurt.

I never thought I would hurt on the inside this bad. My heart aches every day for my son. I will be forever changed and there will always be a sadness inside that will never be erased. I smile on the outside but on the inside I am falling apart. Everyone thinks I have moved on, but I havent.

My dh wont even talk about it anymore. My mother continues to ask me when I am going to get on clomid again. I want to scream at the top of my lungs at her "NEVER, YOU STUPID, IDIOT" "DO YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID YOU SOUND, WHEN YOU SAY THAT".

Thank you for these blogs. A place where you can sort your feelings out and put them in text.