IVF.ca Forums: IVF.ca Forums -> Tough Weekend

Oh man are the weekends rought for me. I guess its because I feel more open and vulnerable when Im not at work. At work, I try to keep a check on my emotions. When not at work, I guess if I feel it, I express it. I started with double class on Saturday. 8:15 Body Sculpt and 9 am regular class. I saw some ladies that I hadnt seen since I lost the baby. One lady I have seen but when talking to her I just started crying. Then I saw a couple of other ladies and we just hugged and I just cried. In fact, I found myself cryin thru most of the second class. In the middle of the second class, one of my instructors came up behind me and said "you really need to get back into trainin mode and get certified, you look great and I had forgotten what a great dancer you are". It did make me feel good. After class, I ran some errands. Later that afternoon, I decided to go look for my locket. I went staples and made a copy of Baby G's handprints at staples and asked the lady if she could possibly darken them a little bit. She took one look at the certificate and her face just fell. Of course, I fell apart. She asked about the certificate and I told her what happened. She was so nice and took great care to try and darken the handprints for me. I know it sounds like little simple thing but it really meant the world to me!! Then she didnt even charge me. Im sure it wouldnt have cost much anyway, but it was a gesture from a her heart.

I took the handprints to Mason Jewelers. They are a little pricey for me, but I wanted someplace quiet that would give me one on one attention with out any distractions. I did find a perfect 14k gold locket. Very plain and simple. I think the handprints will fit just fine. I am going to have Baby G's initials engraved on the front along with his bday. I want to go ahead and get it so I will have it for Mothers Day. The lady at the jewelry store was alright. She was nice but I got the sense that she wanted me to hurry and be gone. I am going to buy the locket and a 20 inch gold chain. The locket comes with a 16 inch chain but I want a little bit longer than that.

I went back to church yesterday too. I havent been in 3 weeks. I am so confused with my feelings these days. I am so angry at Heavenly Father and really I feel like a hypocrite being in church and being this angry. I arrived early and sat in the parking lot for awhile. I was trembling and I almost just left. My mom and sister were waiting on me. I saw a bunch of ladies and the ones I actually talked to hugged me and told me they were sorry and that they loved me. One lady even told me that I was her hero!! How in the hell can I be a hero?? Another lady told me that she admired me and that she thought I was strong and brave. I sure dont feel strong or brave. My sister and my mom stayed for Sacrament meeting with me. I sat between my mom and my sister. It was very comforting actually. I felt safe and protected. I cried during the service and when the choir sang. I really think I was cryin because I felt guilty for being so angry. We left after Sacrament. On my way out, I ran into a very very dear friend. She asked me if I got the blanket and hat that she made. I said yes and thanked her. She was one of the first people I called when we found out we had lost baby G. When I got home from hospital and told her it was a boy she wanted to make the blanket and hat. I told her please do!! Anyway, at church I hugged her and I was crying. She told me that it was a very spiritual experience for her to make that blanket. She said she felt the Lords hands guiding her work. She thanked me for allowin her to make the blanket. I just hugged her and cried and told her thank you so much.

I put most of the cards I got in sheet protectors and into a binder. Of course, I didnt get a big enough binder, so Im going to have to start another one. Its ok because, I am going to print out the email updates that I was sendin out every wednesday and I had started takin weekly belly pics too. Im going to put the belly pics with the email updates and put those in the other binder. Along with someeveryones email responses. I also have some poems and quotes Im going to put in there too. I saved flowers from each of the arrangements we got and they are dried and ready to be put with my paw paws dried rose petals that I took off his casket when he died. Baby G was named after both of his great grandfathers. My grandfather and my DH grandfather was named George.

I bought a large plastic bin and going to put away the few maternity clothes that I had along with the other stuff. Then I am going to put the bin into the empty room. DH and I will be able to go into that room whenever we need too and have private time with the few memories we have of our son.

We are still plannin on attendin the greif support group which will meet this Thursday. I still wear my little gold baby feet pin every day!!