IVF.ca Forums: I just don't know, sometimes. - IVF.ca Forums

Oh to contemplate life, over and over again, to seek answers where none seem to be, to try to find light when there only seems to be darkness, to ask the questions and face roadblocks at every turn. Yes, maybe I am being melodramatic but this is the life I seem to lead.

I hate the person I am in this instance, well maybe not who I am, but more how I am feeling. Bitter and angry, sad and confused. Uncertain, mostly, about life, needs, and how I want to spend the next 30 years of my life. Yes, I could easily turn it around, look around really and see how truly blessed I am in so many ways. I have so many things to be grateful for, so many things that are truly beautiful and wonderful, things that many people never get to see. My life is spent next to a partner who in every way, shape, and form is the most amazing and strong man that I could ever meet. The true love of my life, my one and only. Having my fair share of "rough romances" I know that this man is definitely a keeper, who no matter what will support me and carry me when I am weak. A man who could never say no to me, yet who I would never abuse that privilege with.

I told my mom last week about our TTC struggles. It was an accident really, I was home alone because DH was working the night shift. I was having a major emotional meltdown, just feeling like the cycle was a bust and bawling my eyes out. The phone rang and as much as I didn't want to answer, I did. It was my mom. We have had a inconsistent relationship over the years, once being really close but then life stress came between us and we didn't talk for a few years. However, we made it back and reformulated our relationship, becoming closer than ever. Well, then I went and got a divorce many moons ago and she was unable to accept me and we spent another few years of silence. Last year we made amends and have been trying to re-establish a semblance of a mother-daughter relationship. She has had an amazingly rough couple of years, dealing with my father's cancer, then getting cancer of her own. She had surgery on her face, which has left her permanently scarred with limited hearing and vision. Then she lost her mother on Xmas Eve last year and my dad one year later. Although we are still somewhat distant, I have tried to be there for her as much as I can, as well as her trying to be there for me as much as she is able.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. So as I sat on the couch in my emotional state, she called and I answered. She could tell U had been crying and asked what was wrong. I ended up telling her that I was in the 2WW and explained the process. Well, she asked about it and I continued to tell her about last year's IVF as well as the 2fets in the summer and fall. She was shocked I guess, but did her best to calm me down and tried to comfort me, telling me that in my "delicate state" I shouldn't be so upset. Well, she knew today was beta day so I called to let her know my sad news that the cycle had failed. She responded the way that I think most of the population is responding lately ("Well, why don't you just adopt a Haitian baby?") I tried to explain that things just weren't that simple, that international adoption is another arduous journey, costing 10-20 thousand dollars and she thought all of that was waived because of their circumstances. She still didn't get that wanting a baby is different than wanting to adopt (nothing against those who choose that route, but just that adopting isn't an easy answer for us "infertiles." I tried to explain that if she pictured herself many years ago, newly married and desperately wanting children, would someone else's child fill that void, but not surprisingly she couldn't get it. I wasn't upset by her response because I really don't think there is an ideal reaction that would have fit the way I was feeling. She then went on, trying her best to comfort me, that maybe with DH's disease this was just the way it is supposed to be for us. Now don't get me wrong, these are thoughts that have been going through my own messed up brain too, but it was still that painful realization that people just don't get it. I am just praying that once I told her she was the only person who knows, that she will not tell anyone else what I shared.

On another note, I freaked out on a nurse at the clinic this morning, and unfortunately, it felt good. She was very unempathetic and actually quite rude and I gave it back to her 10 fold. When I explained that AF had arrived (very heavy flow), she rudely responded that I still had to go for my beta because many women bleed and still are preggers. I was quite pointed in refusing to go for beta, that I had -ive hpts all weekend and that I know my body. We then got into an argument over consents, as she demanded I go to the clinic to sign a new consent and we argued about that for awhile/ She ended up putting me on hold and giving me another nurse who was much more empathetic and caring. Ofcourse by this time I was crying and got the "I know this is so very hard on you." To make a long story short (I don't think I am actually able to do that right now, lol) I have a follow up appt with a different RE at the same clinic at the end of April. So now I have to choose between going ahead with an FET in March or waiting to see what the 2nd opinion will say at the end of April. DH and I will have to have some chats tonight about what's what.

Anyway, I guess I just needed to get some of this stuff out of my head and although I risk looking like I am missing my marbles, I needed to put some stuff on paper (or on the screen). Geesh, what a draining life we lead!