IVF.ca Forums: ET Eve - IVF.ca Forums

So, I sit here tonight and re-read my blog entries over the past year. I see some similarities and some difference of who I am and who I was. I look at the failed cycles, the struggles with DH's disability, and the death of my father. It's been quite a year! lol. I am coping as well as I can. I still have days where I break down and cry or a song will play on the radio and I find myself crying. I have had a few moments where I know my dad is with me. One time last week I was driving to the city and was getting quite sad. I cried for my father and asked for a sign that he is with me. The radio then began to play Daddy's Little Girl. It still hurts, probably always will, but I'm doing my best.

So, I am nearing the end of IVF#2 and I am preparing myself for transfer for tomorrow. I had a decent response to the meds, not as good as last cycle, but good enough I guess. We got 11 eggs and of those 7 have now fertilized. DH was unable to get a sample on retrieval day so thank goodness we had a good fertilization rate or he would have been really down on himself. I am very worried about the drive to the clinic tomorrow morning, as there is freezing rain and snow right now and it's supposed to get really cold tonight. The highway is bad at the best of times, let alone driving in freezing rain!

As always when nearing this point, I find myself asking the question of what if. I know how important it is to remain positive, however I also need to be realistic with myself about my life and what I am (and am not) willing/able to cope with. If DH and I cannot have children, is that ok? Will I be able to live my life in completeness? Will my arms forever ache and my heart never be filled with the love of our child? DH has told me that he is ok with it just being us, that our life can be just as wonderful without a child together. I have not yet come to that conclusion. I am a planner... I need to know "What next." And after this cycle there is no "What next," at least not that I can see. We will have had so many failed cycles and I know DH is not willing to go ahead with another ivf. Natural miracles do not exist in our world, because of DH's disability. I don't know whether I go into "waiting" mode, or whether (as a self defense mechanism) I give up (at least for a few years.

If this cycle does give us our miracle, I can already picture our nursery, the clothes I would buy, the baby items that I would so lovingly pick out, the names we have already agreed on, that huge step forward of sharing something so new and exciting together. Oh how I want this to work. Please, please, please, let this be our time. I don't know who I am begging right now because I have questioned faith and religion so significantly over the last 10 years but please, hear my plea. We need something to go right for us for a change... We deserve a break.