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Well, just found out today that my dad is dying. We have known for a long time that he is terminal, however he had an "episode" early this morning where he was rushed to the hospital via ambulance. Apparently the cancer has spread throughout his brain and the tumors have erupted, leading to bleeding and swelling in the brain. He may have hours, days, or a few weeks. Now, I have a very conflicting relationship with my dad and other than a few attempts to reconcile (fully on my part) in the last year, we have not spoken in many years. Why am I still sitting here and not racing to be by my family's side, you might ask? Well, I really don't have an answer. I am overwhlemed by so many emotions right now that I am more blank and numb (and very easy to tear up). I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so sad, knowing that this is the inevitable end, and feel so guilty that I am not there (I live in a different city) helping out, but in the same respect, I don't fit in there, feel so lonely and alienated when I am there. DH can't come with me because he doesn't have time off work. We're scheduled to go there Dec 22 for a few days, but in all likelihood, he won't make it that long. I just don't know what to do...
We are supposed to go to Winnipeg tomorrow to pick up my meds. I am supposed to write an exam this weekend. On Monday we are supposed to go back to Winnipeg to an Information Session at the MS clinic on the recent research. I am supposed to be preparing for Christmas. My grandmother who I was very close to died Xmas Eve last year. I am still grieving over that loss, although I know she lived a good life and it was her time. Will Christmas ever be the same? I feel terrible that my oldest brother is there helping to make all of the decisions. My mom is disabled as well, (cancer took most of her hearing and vision) and I know she is going through a devastating time. Everyone is telling me that I need to go there, that I need to "resolve" my issues with my dad and say goodbye in order to help me through his death. I "know" this, but it is so scary for me, and so sad. And I am an avoider. Whenever there is conflict/problems I do my darndest to stay as far away from it as possible. The dynamic with my family has been so dysfunctional. I am a mess... seems like I am saying that alot lately.
Sad and heartbroken,
Jenn
We are supposed to go to Winnipeg tomorrow to pick up my meds. I am supposed to write an exam this weekend. On Monday we are supposed to go back to Winnipeg to an Information Session at the MS clinic on the recent research. I am supposed to be preparing for Christmas. My grandmother who I was very close to died Xmas Eve last year. I am still grieving over that loss, although I know she lived a good life and it was her time. Will Christmas ever be the same? I feel terrible that my oldest brother is there helping to make all of the decisions. My mom is disabled as well, (cancer took most of her hearing and vision) and I know she is going through a devastating time. Everyone is telling me that I need to go there, that I need to "resolve" my issues with my dad and say goodbye in order to help me through his death. I "know" this, but it is so scary for me, and so sad. And I am an avoider. Whenever there is conflict/problems I do my darndest to stay as far away from it as possible. The dynamic with my family has been so dysfunctional. I am a mess... seems like I am saying that alot lately.
Sad and heartbroken,
Jenn
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~*Megan*~
10 December 2009 - 04:57 PM
I am very sorry you and your family have to go through this right now. It is hard enough but during Christmas is even worse.
Do what you feel is right, only you know what is right for you.
*hugs* We are here if you need us
Do what you feel is right, only you know what is right for you.
*hugs* We are here if you need us
babatime
10 December 2009 - 05:10 PM
Sending you lots of love and hugs at this difficult time. Only you know what is right for you, and you will choose the path of least regrets.
Big big hugs.
Kat
Big big hugs.
Kat
wishuponastar
10 December 2009 - 05:29 PM
Jennykash, I am praying for strength for you at this time. I have had a similar experience to yours - had a terrible relationship with my dad. Certainly, I tried many times to reconcile, but it was very obviously not possible for him to change his emotionally abusive ways, and every time I extended an olive branch, I always ended up more and more hurt. This went from my pre-teen years, right up until last year. I called him for his birthday ( he was in a nursing home, thousands of miles away) and the nurse on the line told me he was not going to make it through the night. I was in shock. They hadn't even gotten in touch with my mom, who had to fly from Alberta to Nova Scotia to try and be with him (she didn't make it)...Do I have regrets? My regrets are not that I couldn't be there at his bedside - I'd been through too much emotional turmoil in my life to have the strength to sit there and bring peace to the situation. I think I would've been more desperate, more guilty, and again, it wouldn't have resolved my feelings of "always needing my dad in my life"...it wasn't in him before, and it sure wouldn't have been in him during his last moments. I had spoken to him days previously on the phone, and we had a nice, pleasant conversation - all he could handle - nothing deep, nothing truly meaningful, but at least not arguing. That's how I can at least remember him. I have photos of him, and I can think back to the good times...there weren't many but there definately were some. I can tell my daughter about him, and about the things I want her to know, and she will never know or witness the mean way he treated me. I can step back and appreciate that I have inherited some of his genes, that there were some definate qualities about him that weren't so great to deal with in a father-daughter way, but which have influenced my life and my behaviour for the better. Death can be devastating, but if your family member is ill, or suffering, there is a cleansing aspect of it that can bring peace.
I would say that if you lived close, there would be more expectation of you by your family to get there and "help out" but where you live far away - it gives you the option to support your family but protect your feelings and your memories.
Anyway, I am ramblng, as usual. Just wanted you to know that whatever you decide, you will make the right choice, and that you are not alone.
Best wishes and blessings to you in this sad time.
I would say that if you lived close, there would be more expectation of you by your family to get there and "help out" but where you live far away - it gives you the option to support your family but protect your feelings and your memories.
Anyway, I am ramblng, as usual. Just wanted you to know that whatever you decide, you will make the right choice, and that you are not alone.
Best wishes and blessings to you in this sad time.
HugsALot
10 December 2009 - 06:01 PM
I am not sure what to say, other than I am sorry that your load seems to heavy to carry right now. We are here for you. xooxox
RainbowsPromise
10 December 2009 - 06:15 PM
I have no words, other than to send huge hugs your way and tell you that I'll be praying for peace for you.
Good Fortune
10 December 2009 - 06:26 PM
If at all possible, get yourself over there. Not to resolve any issues with your dad, but to give some small comfort to your mum. I think that's the right thing to do.
My mum's long standing "partner" (who incidentally is married, and a right sh*t, and I won't be sorry to see the back of him) is seriously ill at the moment and my mum's very worried about him. She was pretty useless when my first DH died and part of me wants to give her the same treatment when her bloke snuffs it, but I know I won't. I will just be there and listen and keep my lip buttoned about how I feel about him. It's the right thing to do.
So sorry for you. What a horrible time.
And don't tar yourself with the "avoider" brush. You doing ART! That's hardly avoidance! Dig deep, Jennykash.
My mum's long standing "partner" (who incidentally is married, and a right sh*t, and I won't be sorry to see the back of him) is seriously ill at the moment and my mum's very worried about him. She was pretty useless when my first DH died and part of me wants to give her the same treatment when her bloke snuffs it, but I know I won't. I will just be there and listen and keep my lip buttoned about how I feel about him. It's the right thing to do.
So sorry for you. What a horrible time.
And don't tar yourself with the "avoider" brush. You doing ART! That's hardly avoidance! Dig deep, Jennykash.
Dreaming
10 December 2009 - 07:20 PM
So sorry for this terrible news, and your inner turmoil about what to do. Thinking of you.
ceska_holkacz
10 December 2009 - 07:30 PM
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You really need to do what is right for you and what you feel in right in your heart.
Thinking of you during this difficult time.
Hugs,
Karolyn
Thinking of you during this difficult time.
Hugs,
Karolyn
mollygirl21
10 December 2009 - 07:46 PM
I'm sorry Jennykash. You're not a mess, you've got a lot to handle right now and you're are dealing as best you can. Do what will bring the fewest regrets. 
gibasgirl
10 December 2009 - 10:52 PM
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. My heart goes out to you.
DeeHopes
11 December 2009 - 12:43 AM
You know in your heart what you need to do. Listen to what it has to say. Either way your spirit knows what is best for you.
Tina37
11 December 2009 - 09:24 AM
I'm very sorry! I can relate in many way's to your situation. Just follow your heart. Then find peace within yourself and heal from this!
Hugs
Hugs
Zuu
11 December 2009 - 09:28 AM
You're not a mess - you have so much on your plate. Take deep breaths and lean on DH. You are strong.
Take good care.
Take good care.
kerrilyn
11 December 2009 - 09:50 AM
Jenny,
I am so sorry to hear of these struggles. The advice I want to offer is for you to go and say goodbye, not to resolve any issues, not to make amends, just for you to say goodbye FOR YOU. Do it so you don't ever have to question yourself if you didn't go. I lost my father 13 years ago, and we were close. I spent many nights in the hospital with him before his death but my brother and sister did not. And I think it haunts them to this day. We were all there the night before he passed, but I think they both have had difficulty with the decisions they made in the weeks before that. I tell you this so you do this for yourself and noone else. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time.
XO KL
I am so sorry to hear of these struggles. The advice I want to offer is for you to go and say goodbye, not to resolve any issues, not to make amends, just for you to say goodbye FOR YOU. Do it so you don't ever have to question yourself if you didn't go. I lost my father 13 years ago, and we were close. I spent many nights in the hospital with him before his death but my brother and sister did not. And I think it haunts them to this day. We were all there the night before he passed, but I think they both have had difficulty with the decisions they made in the weeks before that. I tell you this so you do this for yourself and noone else. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time.
XO KL
bc_ivf
11 December 2009 - 11:25 AM
Jenny,
I lost my father but he was the anti-Christ of fathers. In fact, he stopped being a father when I was 4 years old and I didn't see him again until he passed away - my choice. After he passed I found a small piece of my heart able to finally forgive him and even feel sorry for him. I couldn't be there when he passed, it was sudden. However, even though this man was an a.hole I found myself wanting some type of connection in his final moments before cremation. You never know how you will feel when the moment actually comes.
Only you know what is right. Timing is never good when someone passes but just think about how you would want to reflect back upon this time. You'll find the answer in your heart.
I know DH can't get the time off... athough legally he can as this is your immediate family. If he could go and support you, would you be able to be there?
I'm hoping and praying you find some peace and your father is not in pain or suffering.
I lost my father but he was the anti-Christ of fathers. In fact, he stopped being a father when I was 4 years old and I didn't see him again until he passed away - my choice. After he passed I found a small piece of my heart able to finally forgive him and even feel sorry for him. I couldn't be there when he passed, it was sudden. However, even though this man was an a.hole I found myself wanting some type of connection in his final moments before cremation. You never know how you will feel when the moment actually comes.
Only you know what is right. Timing is never good when someone passes but just think about how you would want to reflect back upon this time. You'll find the answer in your heart.
I know DH can't get the time off... athough legally he can as this is your immediate family. If he could go and support you, would you be able to be there?
I'm hoping and praying you find some peace and your father is not in pain or suffering.
Rosa
11 December 2009 - 05:22 PM
Hi Jen,
So sorry to hear of your dad's illness and I can relate. My father was very sick in Dec 06 around Christmas time and was in palliative care only 4 days at the beginning of January and then passed away. He also died of cancer. When he was close to death, they never even called me to let me know! Consequently I wasn't at his bedside when he died as the doctors had led us to believe he would still live another 3-4 months. He went quickly once he was put ino palliative care.
We were very close, so there was a different family dynamic. I was devastated and still am. I miss him terribly every Christmas.
Follow your heart. Just make sure that whatever you decide to do that you have no regrets.
You don't want to regret anything because you won't be able to take it back or change it later.
Blessings
So sorry to hear of your dad's illness and I can relate. My father was very sick in Dec 06 around Christmas time and was in palliative care only 4 days at the beginning of January and then passed away. He also died of cancer. When he was close to death, they never even called me to let me know! Consequently I wasn't at his bedside when he died as the doctors had led us to believe he would still live another 3-4 months. He went quickly once he was put ino palliative care.
We were very close, so there was a different family dynamic. I was devastated and still am. I miss him terribly every Christmas.
Follow your heart. Just make sure that whatever you decide to do that you have no regrets.
You don't want to regret anything because you won't be able to take it back or change it later.
Blessings
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