IVF.ca Forums: Next... - IVF.ca Forums

So I went for my bloodwork Friday morning and OFCOURSE the clinic didn't bother to get back to me. I knew Heartland wouldn't call because my local clinic does not release out of province results on the same day. I called and asked four times throughout the day. The woman who answered the phone the first 3 times was very pleasant, told me they still weren't back. By the 3rd call, she suggested calling back 5 minutes to closing, just to see if they were there. So I did. A different woman answered the phone and when I asked her to check and see if my results were back, she said "I don't think so" (Not as in "I don't think they are back" but as in "I am not willing to check because we are closing." I almost lost it on this woman, thinking who the F** do you think you are when you don't know me?? I was already in quite the nasty mood and was ready to take her on! BUT I kept my cool and explained that the previous woman had told me to call back. She answered with "And WHO was that?" Well, I basically answered so sweetly that I didn't know her name but if she would be so kind to just check for me rather than arguing on the phone then she'd still get out of there on time. Whether she checked or not, I'll never know, but she came back on 30 seconds later and said they weren't in. It would have been so much better to have the "official" word over the weekend, rather than having to wait until Monday morning and being at work when the call comes in. Then again, with AF in full force and a -ive hpt, i know i already have my answer.

So with all of that said... this one is done. I have spent some time this weekend reviewing my whole IF journey. The ups and downs (mostly downs, I guess when you really think about it). I know that this whole thing has helped (and hurt, in some ways), my relationship with DH. We didn't really talk too much about the failed cycle this weekend. I told him AF was here and he knows what that means. I can't blame him for not talking it through with me, he's worked 3 twleve hour shifts Friday, Saturday, and today, so he's exhausted by the time he gets home and just wants to zone out on the couch. But a part of me feels the need to grieve it with him, although this year it seems like we've done so much of that. What more is there to say other than "Shit," and move forward with the plan. Throughout the cycle we talked about our back up plan, I always need one so that I know what's next. But for me, I want to talk it to death and he'd rather just keep moving forward. I know he's hurting and disappointed, and doesn't want me to be upset. We have such a strong and true relationship that is just filled with so much love and understanding. I guess I just needed a dose of "No matter what, babe, we'll be ok. What do we need to do now?"

When I really truly try to think what I am supposed to learn from all of this, sometimes I think I know, other times I am at a loss. How much further am I willing to go? How much more money can we afford to spend? We are not breaking the bank yet, but in the same respect our nest egg is losing it's shape. We're both going to be needing new vehicles soon (newer, not new), house renos, big bills, the credit line, etc. DH mentioned possibly waiting to see if the government starts funding IVF, I kind of laughed and said it likely won't be in our lifetime. I know that I have learned to handle (sometimes, lol) the disappointments, and I know that if we were to have a child together it would be such an added blessing because of how hard we worked to get there. I know that my body can handle SO much more than I had initially thought. I know that in dark times, DH is right by my side.

I can't help but question, maybe, possibly we are not meant to share a child together? Maybe with DH's failing health, that will be too much to cope with over the next 20 years that this is an added "stressor" (I really struggle calling it that) that I may not be able to handle. I know we would be amazing parents together and I crave the opportunity have that. I also know that I am NOT a quitter and could see myself potentially being "addicted" to trying to get pregnant and not knowing when to stop.

Just a few ramblings from a crazy lady. lol. As you can see, the post cycle stress creates an atmosphere of self doubt and at times self loathing. I know I am a good person and that these thoughts are just a glimpse into all of the stress that are placed on us.

So with all of that being said... I now join the "waiting group," not really knowing where I fit in. (Then again, in a normal day/week/year, I never quite know where I fit in!). We're going to see our RE on November 16 to discuss the past year and see if he has any new recommendations. Then I think we'll go on the waiting list for the next batch of fresh cycles in March/April. I am going to check and see if we can do an IUI in January, but I think the clinic is not accepting anything "new" until March. So I'll start tucking away my pay cheques (no I did not win the $25 million lotto max) in preparation for IVF#2.

Oh and DH and I are going to Dominican on November 8, so that will hopefully be a good breather from all of this. Here's to pina coladas and bahama mamas! Countdown 14 days today!!