Help
Subscribe to This Will Work
43 Comments
This is the most difficult blog update I've ever written. We had our 13 week u/s today and went to it with such excitement only to find out our baby stopped developing around 8 weeks, shortly after our last u/s. We are devastated.
The u/s tech and doctor were wonderful but I don't think I'll ever forget it. She went over our dates of retrieval and transfer and when she put the probe on my belly and brought up the baby on the screen I knew something was wrong. It didn't look like it was supposed to and it wasn't moving. She said I don't think you're 12 weeks 6 days. I said, the baby's measuring a bit small is it? She said yes. She looked some more and took some measurements and then said, I don't have any good news for you, I'm sorry. She want on to describe what she was seeing vs what she was supposed to be seeing. I already knew what she was supposed to be seeing, I had done my research. She also went on to tell me it was nothing I did and nothing I could have done different.
After a few minutes, she left DH and I alone. We just hugged and cried and held each other. The doctor came in and gave us our options. Because it's a missed miscarriage, we can 1. wait for it to occur naturally (not recommended because it's already been 4 or 5 weeks), 2. take the drug to induce m/c or 3. have a D&C. We have opted for the D&C because I don't like the idea of taking a pill and then sitting and waiting for a few hours to see what happens. My sister did the medicated option and still ended up with the D&C because it didn't get rid of all the tissue.
I just spoke to the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic and they earliest they can do the procedure is Friday. DH can't be there on Friday unless something changes at work. I'm hoping his boss will have a heart and change his vacation so he can be there with me but if not, I have 2 sisters who will be a huge comfort.
When I got up off the bed to walk down the hall after the u/s, I felt like my legs weighed about 100 lbs each. I could hardly lift my feet. We were put in one the quiet family rooms to wait for my doctor to be reached. They reached her but she is at the Fertility Clinic today (she's also our R/E) so we have an appointment to see her tomorrow. I also have to go to the Early Pregancy Loss clinic tomorrow for some pre-surgery tests and to sign consent forms and such.
This sucks. I can't believe this is happening to us after all we've been through. It's not fair - how can one couple be forced to deal with infertility and a miscarriage too? No one person should have to go through both.
Ironically, now that i'm home, I think it's starting to happen naturally. I have some coloured discharge so that might be the beginning of it all.
DH asked what he could do to help distract me today and I told him I don't want to be distracted today, I want to take today to mourn and grieve this loss and then deal with the idea of moving on another day. He thought that was a good idea and he has reassured me that he thinks I have done everything right, including deciding to not worry about the what ifs. I never allowed the thought that this could happen to enter my mind, I enjoyed being pregnant the entire time and I'm so happy and proud of myself for that. I don't think I am any more devastated today because of that mindset. I highly recommend it. You can't prevent this from happening and worrying about it won't save you from the sorrow. I lived each day joyfully pregnant and I feel blessed to have experienced it for as long as I did.
I hope I get the chance to do it again (for 9 months next time please).
The u/s tech and doctor were wonderful but I don't think I'll ever forget it. She went over our dates of retrieval and transfer and when she put the probe on my belly and brought up the baby on the screen I knew something was wrong. It didn't look like it was supposed to and it wasn't moving. She said I don't think you're 12 weeks 6 days. I said, the baby's measuring a bit small is it? She said yes. She looked some more and took some measurements and then said, I don't have any good news for you, I'm sorry. She want on to describe what she was seeing vs what she was supposed to be seeing. I already knew what she was supposed to be seeing, I had done my research. She also went on to tell me it was nothing I did and nothing I could have done different.
After a few minutes, she left DH and I alone. We just hugged and cried and held each other. The doctor came in and gave us our options. Because it's a missed miscarriage, we can 1. wait for it to occur naturally (not recommended because it's already been 4 or 5 weeks), 2. take the drug to induce m/c or 3. have a D&C. We have opted for the D&C because I don't like the idea of taking a pill and then sitting and waiting for a few hours to see what happens. My sister did the medicated option and still ended up with the D&C because it didn't get rid of all the tissue.
I just spoke to the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic and they earliest they can do the procedure is Friday. DH can't be there on Friday unless something changes at work. I'm hoping his boss will have a heart and change his vacation so he can be there with me but if not, I have 2 sisters who will be a huge comfort.
When I got up off the bed to walk down the hall after the u/s, I felt like my legs weighed about 100 lbs each. I could hardly lift my feet. We were put in one the quiet family rooms to wait for my doctor to be reached. They reached her but she is at the Fertility Clinic today (she's also our R/E) so we have an appointment to see her tomorrow. I also have to go to the Early Pregancy Loss clinic tomorrow for some pre-surgery tests and to sign consent forms and such.
This sucks. I can't believe this is happening to us after all we've been through. It's not fair - how can one couple be forced to deal with infertility and a miscarriage too? No one person should have to go through both.
Ironically, now that i'm home, I think it's starting to happen naturally. I have some coloured discharge so that might be the beginning of it all.
DH asked what he could do to help distract me today and I told him I don't want to be distracted today, I want to take today to mourn and grieve this loss and then deal with the idea of moving on another day. He thought that was a good idea and he has reassured me that he thinks I have done everything right, including deciding to not worry about the what ifs. I never allowed the thought that this could happen to enter my mind, I enjoyed being pregnant the entire time and I'm so happy and proud of myself for that. I don't think I am any more devastated today because of that mindset. I highly recommend it. You can't prevent this from happening and worrying about it won't save you from the sorrow. I lived each day joyfully pregnant and I feel blessed to have experienced it for as long as I did.
I hope I get the chance to do it again (for 9 months next time please).
Share This Entry:
43 Comments On This Entry
Browneyes81
09 September 2009 - 07:37 AM
{{MG}}I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't know if i could have had you positive perpective or strenght. My heart goes out to you and your DH. hugs.
KateR
09 September 2009 - 09:49 PM
So sorry to read of your news. I also lost my first baby at 8.5 weeks, but had spotting that made me go to the doctor and tell them I needed an ultrasound. No D&C needed, but we were devastated. I don't think DH cried in the U/S room, but I sure did. The tech was nice enough to tell us she couldn't find the heartbeat (I'd told her I was a doctor and had had a look myself, was just there for official confirmation), after just having told us that she'd not be able to say anything about the scan. It was just awful.
You sound like you have a very healthy outlook on things. Take the time you need to mourn - everyone is diffferent. I took one day off work to grieve, and then needed the distraction. At least you know what you need, and can communicate it to your DH.
Hang in there - it does slowly get better.
You sound like you have a very healthy outlook on things. Take the time you need to mourn - everyone is diffferent. I took one day off work to grieve, and then needed the distraction. At least you know what you need, and can communicate it to your DH.
Hang in there - it does slowly get better.
Kate
12 September 2009 - 02:59 PM
I am so very sorry. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
PUPO Journal
Transferred 3 embryos on Saturday June 27, 2009.
3dt: June 27 - ER in the morning, slept for the afternoon and went to the Bon Jovi concert in Moncton that night!
1dp3dt: June 28 - relaxed, was nauseous from the Dostinex
2dp3dt: June 29 - back to work first day since ER. Still nauseous, exhausted (slept 12 hours last night) and a bit crampy.
3dp3dt: June 30 - nauseous, tired. Went to chiropractor for my neck and arm.
5dp3dt: July 2 - nausea is gone, neck still hurts, went to massage today. Slight cramps.
8dp3dt: July 5 - still crampy, woke up with heavy/tight feeling in lower abdomen, starting to breakout on my face
10dp3dt: July 7 - bbs not as sore, cramps have subsided somewhat
11dp3dt: July 8 - woke up with AF like cramps - much stronger than the cramps I've felt all along. Today is 11dp3dt.
12dp3dt: July 9 - not much cramping. Feeling good today 12dp3dt
13dp3dt: July 10 - BFP! Beta 164
20dp3dt: July 17 - beta 1440
3dt: June 27 - ER in the morning, slept for the afternoon and went to the Bon Jovi concert in Moncton that night!
1dp3dt: June 28 - relaxed, was nauseous from the Dostinex
2dp3dt: June 29 - back to work first day since ER. Still nauseous, exhausted (slept 12 hours last night) and a bit crampy.
3dp3dt: June 30 - nauseous, tired. Went to chiropractor for my neck and arm.
5dp3dt: July 2 - nausea is gone, neck still hurts, went to massage today. Slight cramps.
8dp3dt: July 5 - still crampy, woke up with heavy/tight feeling in lower abdomen, starting to breakout on my face
10dp3dt: July 7 - bbs not as sore, cramps have subsided somewhat
11dp3dt: July 8 - woke up with AF like cramps - much stronger than the cramps I've felt all along. Today is 11dp3dt.
12dp3dt: July 9 - not much cramping. Feeling good today 12dp3dt
13dp3dt: July 10 - BFP! Beta 164
20dp3dt: July 17 - beta 1440
IVF#2 Important Dates
May 6, 2009 - CD1
May 15 - uterine biopsy #1 - CD9
May 19 - uterine biopsy #2 - CD13
May 26 - start Suprefact
May 27 - uterine biopsy #3 - CD22
June 3 - AF started
June 10 - down regulation check
June 11 - start injections 375 Bravelle, 75 Repronex
June 12 - both start antibiotics
June 15 - b/w E2 800
June 18 - b/w & u/s E2 5000, 28-34 follicles
June 19 - b/w E2 9000
June 20 - b/w & u/s E2 15,000
June 21 - b/w E2 23,000
June 22 - b/w &u/s, E2 32,000, trigger tonight
June 24 - ER, 23 eggs
June 25 - 15/23 eggs fertilized
June 26 - only 4 viable embryos
June 27 - transferred 3: two 8 cell grade 18, one 6 cell grade 17
July 10 - beta
May 15 - uterine biopsy #1 - CD9
May 19 - uterine biopsy #2 - CD13
May 26 - start Suprefact
May 27 - uterine biopsy #3 - CD22
June 3 - AF started
June 10 - down regulation check
June 11 - start injections 375 Bravelle, 75 Repronex
June 12 - both start antibiotics
June 15 - b/w E2 800
June 18 - b/w & u/s E2 5000, 28-34 follicles
June 19 - b/w E2 9000
June 20 - b/w & u/s E2 15,000
June 21 - b/w E2 23,000
June 22 - b/w &u/s, E2 32,000, trigger tonight
June 24 - ER, 23 eggs
June 25 - 15/23 eggs fertilized
June 26 - only 4 viable embryos
June 27 - transferred 3: two 8 cell grade 18, one 6 cell grade 17
July 10 - beta
IVF#2 Journal
Leading up to IVF#2 - I had 3 uterine biopsies and I think they did something because my period was heavier and longer than ever. It lasted a full 7 days and was heavy for 2 of those. My lining was definitely affected by the biopsies. I have felt very optimistic and hopeful that this will work this time and even if it doesn't I know I will survive. Physically feeling great, no side effects other than a couple hot flashes from the suprefact.
June 10 - Down Regulation check today. Uterine lining very thin, ovaries nice and quiet - the follicles were very small so she was only able to count 5 or 6 on my right, didn't mention how many on the left. She said more will reveal themselves as they get bigger. As usual, it was difficult to see my uterus and left ovary and it took her some time with the wand. Feeling good!
Day 1: June 11 - first injection tonight. Mentally and emotionally still feeling good but physically I'm feeling awful - headache, crampy, gassy, bloated and my hands are icy cold and aching. They started hurting yesterday and got worse today and now they are cold unless they are tucked in under my legs. Injection hurt just like I remember, the pharmicist tells me it's the repronex.
Day 2: June 12 - started antibiotics this morning. The bottle said to take with food but I was late so I skipped breakfast. I felt very sick by the time I got to work, lesson learned. Feeling better today (other than that little episode). Had a little dark brown discharge tonight. Got a great new haircut last night, feeling great!
Day 3: June 13 - Day 3 of injections, nothing to report except that I've developed a few very large pimples. Going shopping today with mil and gmil.
Day 4: June 14 - day 4 and DH hit a vein tonight. Not too bad, just a bit more painful. I don't look when he injects me but he said tonight when I flexed from the pain, it pushed the needle right out! Luckily the medicine was already injected. Feels fine now. I think I have a touch of food poisoning, had some undercooked chicken for supper.
Day 5: June 15 - had my bloodwork done this morning to check my estrogen levels and everything looks good, the nurse said I am responding very well to this dose. This is when they had to increase the dose last time. My level last time was 480 at this point but today I am over 800. Next check up is Thurs for b/w and u/s. Feeling a little bloated and gassy today, still energized and positive though.
Day 7: June 17 - I'm starting to notice my ovaries (could be gas too). I'm a bit bloated and the injection sites are irritated. I feel best in my sweats. Lots of ewcm started today. I'm tired, I find I don't sleep well on the drugs.
Day 8: June 18 - day 8 u/s this morning, uterine lining on track (around 7mm) and 18-22 follicles on right, 10-12 on left (could be more, it hides). All follicles measuring around 10mm. Estrogen level is around 5000. Woohooo!
Day 9: June 19 - day 9 b/w - Estrogen has shot up to 9000. Lowering my dose to 225 bravelle and 75 repronex.June 20 - Estrogen up to 15,000, still lots of follicles measuring 12 - 15 mm, lining 9.5. Lowered dose again to 150 bravelle plus 75 repronex
Day 11: June 21 - E2 23,000, no injection tonight, hope to trigger tomorrow.
Day 12: June 22 - u/s showed 15 -18 follicles on each side, measuring 17-20mms. Trigger tonight, ER Wed June 24. E2 level is 32,000 so I'm at high risk for OHSS but we decided to go for it
Day 13: June 23 - no needles, no tests today. I'm tired, grumpy, nauseous, bbs are sore. ER is tomorrow
Day 14 ER day: June 24 - ER went well, 23 eggs. June 25 - 15/23 eggs fertilized. I'm sore and a bit bloated plus nauseous from dostinex. no sign of OHSS though
Day 16: June 26 - devastating day - only 4 look to be viable, others are severely fragmented. Need to decide on 3day or 5 day tranfser. Leaning toward 5 day. Will meet with dr on day 3 to decide. Best ones are a 4 cell and a 2 cell.
Day 17 3dt: June 27 - met with dr, decided on 3 day transfer. 2 of the embryos took off over night and have become "beautiful" 8 cell embies, graded 18/20 with less than 10% fragmentation. Transferred those plus a 6 cell grade 17 with little fragmentation.
June 10 - Down Regulation check today. Uterine lining very thin, ovaries nice and quiet - the follicles were very small so she was only able to count 5 or 6 on my right, didn't mention how many on the left. She said more will reveal themselves as they get bigger. As usual, it was difficult to see my uterus and left ovary and it took her some time with the wand. Feeling good!
Day 1: June 11 - first injection tonight. Mentally and emotionally still feeling good but physically I'm feeling awful - headache, crampy, gassy, bloated and my hands are icy cold and aching. They started hurting yesterday and got worse today and now they are cold unless they are tucked in under my legs. Injection hurt just like I remember, the pharmicist tells me it's the repronex.
Day 2: June 12 - started antibiotics this morning. The bottle said to take with food but I was late so I skipped breakfast. I felt very sick by the time I got to work, lesson learned. Feeling better today (other than that little episode). Had a little dark brown discharge tonight. Got a great new haircut last night, feeling great!
Day 3: June 13 - Day 3 of injections, nothing to report except that I've developed a few very large pimples. Going shopping today with mil and gmil.
Day 4: June 14 - day 4 and DH hit a vein tonight. Not too bad, just a bit more painful. I don't look when he injects me but he said tonight when I flexed from the pain, it pushed the needle right out! Luckily the medicine was already injected. Feels fine now. I think I have a touch of food poisoning, had some undercooked chicken for supper.
Day 5: June 15 - had my bloodwork done this morning to check my estrogen levels and everything looks good, the nurse said I am responding very well to this dose. This is when they had to increase the dose last time. My level last time was 480 at this point but today I am over 800. Next check up is Thurs for b/w and u/s. Feeling a little bloated and gassy today, still energized and positive though.
Day 7: June 17 - I'm starting to notice my ovaries (could be gas too). I'm a bit bloated and the injection sites are irritated. I feel best in my sweats. Lots of ewcm started today. I'm tired, I find I don't sleep well on the drugs.
Day 8: June 18 - day 8 u/s this morning, uterine lining on track (around 7mm) and 18-22 follicles on right, 10-12 on left (could be more, it hides). All follicles measuring around 10mm. Estrogen level is around 5000. Woohooo!
Day 9: June 19 - day 9 b/w - Estrogen has shot up to 9000. Lowering my dose to 225 bravelle and 75 repronex.June 20 - Estrogen up to 15,000, still lots of follicles measuring 12 - 15 mm, lining 9.5. Lowered dose again to 150 bravelle plus 75 repronex
Day 11: June 21 - E2 23,000, no injection tonight, hope to trigger tomorrow.
Day 12: June 22 - u/s showed 15 -18 follicles on each side, measuring 17-20mms. Trigger tonight, ER Wed June 24. E2 level is 32,000 so I'm at high risk for OHSS but we decided to go for it
Day 13: June 23 - no needles, no tests today. I'm tired, grumpy, nauseous, bbs are sore. ER is tomorrow
Day 14 ER day: June 24 - ER went well, 23 eggs. June 25 - 15/23 eggs fertilized. I'm sore and a bit bloated plus nauseous from dostinex. no sign of OHSS though
Day 16: June 26 - devastating day - only 4 look to be viable, others are severely fragmented. Need to decide on 3day or 5 day tranfser. Leaning toward 5 day. Will meet with dr on day 3 to decide. Best ones are a 4 cell and a 2 cell.
Day 17 3dt: June 27 - met with dr, decided on 3 day transfer. 2 of the embryos took off over night and have become "beautiful" 8 cell embies, graded 18/20 with less than 10% fragmentation. Transferred those plus a 6 cell grade 17 with little fragmentation.
Note to Self:
Read and re-read while PUPO:Enjoy this time of not knowing. Keep hope close to you and do not poas. It will be inconclusive. The best way to spend these 2 weeks is imagining pregnancy and motherhood. Imagine that this has worked and you will soon know for sure - we are pregnant!Keep hope alive until the very last minute, until you go for your beta and know for sure. Keep the dream alive, keep the fantasy alive. Do not give in to your thoughts of poas. Wait for the beta and keep hoping and dreaming.Love, Yourself in saner moments
Favourite Sayings
After climbing a great hill, one only finds there are more hills to climb.I have taken a moment here to rest,to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me and to look back on the distance I have come.But I dare not linger and can only rest a moment,for my long walk has not ended. -Nelson Mandela
It's kind of fun to do the impossible. -Walt Disney
If you live expecting the worst then you will experience even if it doesn't happen and if it does happen, you will have lived it twice. - Michael J Fox
It's kind of fun to do the impossible. -Walt Disney
If you live expecting the worst then you will experience even if it doesn't happen and if it does happen, you will have lived it twice. - Michael J Fox
A little about me
Clinic: AART, Halifax
Treatment History:
began July 2008
Clomid
IUI with ovarian stim
IVF #1 - BFN
IVF #2 - BFP
M/C at 13 weeks on Sept 8, 2009
Feb 2010 - started adoption classes
Mar 2010 - started seeing Naturopath
Mar 2010 - finished PRIDE classes
we're adopting!
Treatment History:
began July 2008
Clomid
IUI with ovarian stim
IVF #1 - BFN
IVF #2 - BFP
M/C at 13 weeks on Sept 8, 2009
Feb 2010 - started adoption classes
Mar 2010 - started seeing Naturopath
Mar 2010 - finished PRIDE classes
we're adopting!
Recent Entries
Latest Visitors
Recent Comments
0 user(s) viewing
0 Guests
0 member(s)
0 anonymous member(s)
0 member(s)
0 anonymous member(s)
Search My Blog
My Blog Links
IVF #2 $$$$
Paid clinic $5,250
Suprefact $35
Repronex (7days) $453
Antibiotics $7Bravelle (7days) $2143
Bravelle (1 day) $315
Repronex (1 day) $74
Bravelle (1 day) $193
Repronex (1 day) $74
Bravelle (1 day) $132
Repronex (1 day) $74
Suprefact $19
HCG Trigger $89
Total so far: $8,858
Suprefact $35
Repronex (7days) $453
Antibiotics $7Bravelle (7days) $2143
Bravelle (1 day) $315
Repronex (1 day) $74
Bravelle (1 day) $193
Repronex (1 day) $74
Bravelle (1 day) $132
Repronex (1 day) $74
Suprefact $19
HCG Trigger $89
Total so far: $8,858
IVF#1
CD1 - January 1, 2009
Jan 21 - started suprefact nasal spray
Feb 4 - down regulation check, good to go
Feb 5 - started injectibles started with 225 units Bravelle increased to 375 untis on day 5 75 units Repronex
Feb 6 - DH and I both started antibiotics
Feb 19 - Egg Retrieval resulted in 7 eggs 5 eggs fertilized
Feb 22 - Day 3 transfer: one 8 cell grade 17 embryo two 6 cell grade 16 embryosBeta scheduled for Friday Mar 6
March 6 - AF arrived, BFN
Jan 21 - started suprefact nasal spray
Feb 4 - down regulation check, good to go
Feb 5 - started injectibles started with 225 units Bravelle increased to 375 untis on day 5 75 units Repronex
Feb 6 - DH and I both started antibiotics
Feb 19 - Egg Retrieval resulted in 7 eggs 5 eggs fertilized
Feb 22 - Day 3 transfer: one 8 cell grade 17 embryo two 6 cell grade 16 embryosBeta scheduled for Friday Mar 6
March 6 - AF arrived, BFN
