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This is the most difficult blog update I've ever written. We had our 13 week u/s today and went to it with such excitement only to find out our baby stopped developing around 8 weeks, shortly after our last u/s. We are devastated.
The u/s tech and doctor were wonderful but I don't think I'll ever forget it. She went over our dates of retrieval and transfer and when she put the probe on my belly and brought up the baby on the screen I knew something was wrong. It didn't look like it was supposed to and it wasn't moving. She said I don't think you're 12 weeks 6 days. I said, the baby's measuring a bit small is it? She said yes. She looked some more and took some measurements and then said, I don't have any good news for you, I'm sorry. She want on to describe what she was seeing vs what she was supposed to be seeing. I already knew what she was supposed to be seeing, I had done my research. She also went on to tell me it was nothing I did and nothing I could have done different.
After a few minutes, she left DH and I alone. We just hugged and cried and held each other. The doctor came in and gave us our options. Because it's a missed miscarriage, we can 1. wait for it to occur naturally (not recommended because it's already been 4 or 5 weeks), 2. take the drug to induce m/c or 3. have a D&C. We have opted for the D&C because I don't like the idea of taking a pill and then sitting and waiting for a few hours to see what happens. My sister did the medicated option and still ended up with the D&C because it didn't get rid of all the tissue.
I just spoke to the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic and they earliest they can do the procedure is Friday. DH can't be there on Friday unless something changes at work. I'm hoping his boss will have a heart and change his vacation so he can be there with me but if not, I have 2 sisters who will be a huge comfort.
When I got up off the bed to walk down the hall after the u/s, I felt like my legs weighed about 100 lbs each. I could hardly lift my feet. We were put in one the quiet family rooms to wait for my doctor to be reached. They reached her but she is at the Fertility Clinic today (she's also our R/E) so we have an appointment to see her tomorrow. I also have to go to the Early Pregancy Loss clinic tomorrow for some pre-surgery tests and to sign consent forms and such.
This sucks. I can't believe this is happening to us after all we've been through. It's not fair - how can one couple be forced to deal with infertility and a miscarriage too? No one person should have to go through both.
Ironically, now that i'm home, I think it's starting to happen naturally. I have some coloured discharge so that might be the beginning of it all.
DH asked what he could do to help distract me today and I told him I don't want to be distracted today, I want to take today to mourn and grieve this loss and then deal with the idea of moving on another day. He thought that was a good idea and he has reassured me that he thinks I have done everything right, including deciding to not worry about the what ifs. I never allowed the thought that this could happen to enter my mind, I enjoyed being pregnant the entire time and I'm so happy and proud of myself for that. I don't think I am any more devastated today because of that mindset. I highly recommend it. You can't prevent this from happening and worrying about it won't save you from the sorrow. I lived each day joyfully pregnant and I feel blessed to have experienced it for as long as I did.
I hope I get the chance to do it again (for 9 months next time please).
The u/s tech and doctor were wonderful but I don't think I'll ever forget it. She went over our dates of retrieval and transfer and when she put the probe on my belly and brought up the baby on the screen I knew something was wrong. It didn't look like it was supposed to and it wasn't moving. She said I don't think you're 12 weeks 6 days. I said, the baby's measuring a bit small is it? She said yes. She looked some more and took some measurements and then said, I don't have any good news for you, I'm sorry. She want on to describe what she was seeing vs what she was supposed to be seeing. I already knew what she was supposed to be seeing, I had done my research. She also went on to tell me it was nothing I did and nothing I could have done different.
After a few minutes, she left DH and I alone. We just hugged and cried and held each other. The doctor came in and gave us our options. Because it's a missed miscarriage, we can 1. wait for it to occur naturally (not recommended because it's already been 4 or 5 weeks), 2. take the drug to induce m/c or 3. have a D&C. We have opted for the D&C because I don't like the idea of taking a pill and then sitting and waiting for a few hours to see what happens. My sister did the medicated option and still ended up with the D&C because it didn't get rid of all the tissue.
I just spoke to the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic and they earliest they can do the procedure is Friday. DH can't be there on Friday unless something changes at work. I'm hoping his boss will have a heart and change his vacation so he can be there with me but if not, I have 2 sisters who will be a huge comfort.
When I got up off the bed to walk down the hall after the u/s, I felt like my legs weighed about 100 lbs each. I could hardly lift my feet. We were put in one the quiet family rooms to wait for my doctor to be reached. They reached her but she is at the Fertility Clinic today (she's also our R/E) so we have an appointment to see her tomorrow. I also have to go to the Early Pregancy Loss clinic tomorrow for some pre-surgery tests and to sign consent forms and such.
This sucks. I can't believe this is happening to us after all we've been through. It's not fair - how can one couple be forced to deal with infertility and a miscarriage too? No one person should have to go through both.
Ironically, now that i'm home, I think it's starting to happen naturally. I have some coloured discharge so that might be the beginning of it all.
DH asked what he could do to help distract me today and I told him I don't want to be distracted today, I want to take today to mourn and grieve this loss and then deal with the idea of moving on another day. He thought that was a good idea and he has reassured me that he thinks I have done everything right, including deciding to not worry about the what ifs. I never allowed the thought that this could happen to enter my mind, I enjoyed being pregnant the entire time and I'm so happy and proud of myself for that. I don't think I am any more devastated today because of that mindset. I highly recommend it. You can't prevent this from happening and worrying about it won't save you from the sorrow. I lived each day joyfully pregnant and I feel blessed to have experienced it for as long as I did.
I hope I get the chance to do it again (for 9 months next time please).
