This Can't be Real
I thought it was over, that our path to a potential successful transfer was decided. But he said to wait until after the 2016 December holidays. I was reluctant at first. I saw it as a pause for a change of mind again, but I said OK because I wanted to maintain trust. After all, he was taking the initiative to get other fertility stuff done. But that was short-lived.
Angel kept saying he will change his mind again. I kept saying he gave me his word again. He kept saying he's all in it. I wanted to stay optimistic.
This morning he said, "Let's adopt."
"No," I said. "You're stalling again. You told me you didn't want to. We could have had a foster child or adopted years ago. I started classes with you and you stopped going and said no. You wanted a biological link."
"Ok, I change my mind."
"No," I said. "I'm not going there. We are days away from a transfer. [Angel] is waiting for her period to come and you want us to start an adoption process now, something that could take a year or years. No."
Two hours later, we are on our way to get his semen check because we are using a surrogate. He stopped to buy gas and then said he can't do this because he couldn't see himself doing "that" in "that place."
"OK," I said, "We can drive to the [fertility] clinic."
Minutes later, we turned around to go home.
On our way home, he said he wanted a new surrogate and new donor eggs, not the other "back-up" surrogate or the embryos we have, but my niece who, after seeing us during the holiday and probably feeling pity for me, said she could be my surrogate. I told her she had promised me before and changed her mind several times, so I could not trust her words.
My partner said he would feel more comfortable with her.
Taking deep breaths now because that's all I can do.